Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Anywhere's Visit: The First Two Days

Since Anywhere is blogging this and I'm reading it, I feel it's only fair for me to blog it as well from my perspective (though mine will most likely be a little less detailed, and less often updated).

The past three or four days have been incredibly stressful, not strictly because of school, but because of some other things going on. By yesterday I wasn't even sure what I felt anymore – I just wanted to be told that everything would be alright.

When I walked out of Speech class at 3:30, I noticed Linte, Telpe, Emerwen, and Anywhere walking down the hallway towards me. I think I smiled a little. I wasn't sure whether I should speed up and walk faster, or slow down, or call out, or make eye contact – fortunately moments of transition like that never last long. Before anything was said, Anywhere and I hugged and held on. It's been so long since someone dared to hug me like that.

We were joined by a friend from school (who had been in Speech class with me), Che, who stood in the hallway with us and told us stories about the exploits of great soldiers. I was mostly either watching Anywhere when I knew she wasn't looking (which is probably going to creep her out when she reads this) or trying to decide whether I should watch her or not. I do a lot of watching and figuring people out (something Linte and I have in common, which made me watch her and wonder what she was figuring out).

Eventually Che went back to his room, and they decided they were dragging me home because it was 4:00 and I hadn't had lunch yet. We said goodbye to Em. I see Emerwen more than I see most of my family members, so goodbyes mean almost nothing with her – I always know that within less than 24 hours we'll see each other again.

We went home, and I didn't really feel like eating, but Linte wanted me to. I felt a bit better about eating once we found out that Anywhere hadn't had lunch either, so I could make her a sandwich too so I wouldn't be the only one eating.

We looked at some older slideshows and movies on my laptop. It made me realize exactly how long it's been since I made one. Telpe had to go to work, but Any, Linte, and I (later joined by Mar) went to check my mail. On the way we met Draug, and introduced her to Anywhere.

We had hotdogs for dinner – there was a beautiful sunset out the window. I told Maranar that the sky was on fire. I don't think he appreciated the poetry in that statement as much as I did, considering he went off on some tangent about the atmosphere burning like in Doctor Who and how impossible that was.

I needed more of my caffeinated energy drink mix (which Ferns probably remember from my stay there), and Mar needed some things, so we decided to do a Wal-mart run. I suggested we all wear cloaks, and asked Mar if he wanted to. He was in a very hyper mood, so he easily agreed. I wore my beautiful greenish-gold cloak out in public for the very first time. Mar of course wore his black cloak, our older sister wore her cloak, and I offered Anywhere Mar's first cloak, which Telpe and I often borrow now. She said it was her first time wearing a cloak, which made me really excited for her (yes, I am a total cloak nerd, and not ashamed of it).

Maranar continued to entertain us throughout the car ride. We had fun in Wal-mart, as we always do. I managed to get a few pictures.



I think the check-out lady thought we were insane, especially when I started piling coins in Mar's hands to pay for my drink mix (I had had to dig through the bottom of my backpack and find old coins that had been under picture frames in order to afford it). On the way out, a couple asked us if we were with a play. It took me a moment to realize they were referring to our cloaks. Cloaks are so natural to me, even though I don't wear them anywhere near as often as I once did (cloaks, backpacks, and college classrooms don't mix very well).

We came home, and I had to face the fact that I was 140 pages behind in Bible and 10 in Biology. The others decided to watch Monk, while I settled into my customary corner at my desk to read and listen to Anberlin. Anywhere came over before going to watch Monk with my family and gave me a hug, which surprised me, but made me very happy.

By the time it was 11:30 and I had read 90 pages on different philosophies and world views, I decided enough was enough and went to bed. Anywhere was on her laptop across the room from me, right behind Maranar.

I was tired, and not even ready to process anything at this point. I didn't sleep well due to some really disturbing dreams (the only good part being Wolfsong blowing up a dam and surfing on the resulting massive wave using only his tennis shoes).

This morning (Tuesday) is my lightest school day by far, so my mother had planned an outing to the local Daffodil Farm. Two friends of my mother arrived to come with us, and Linte arrived at about the same time, so we all loaded into the van and headed out.

We had to drop Telpe off at art lessons, leaving my three youngest siblings, my mother and her friends, Anywhere, Linte, and me in the car. The drive is roughly 40 minutes. Being with a new CPer and being in the van, sitting the spot I sat in on the way to Garden of the Gods, Pike's Peak, and Camping really brought back moot memories – I talked about them for a while, which I hope didn't bother Any and Linte, considering the fact that neither of them had been at the moot to share the memories.

We got to the farm, and spent a good long while driving over dirt roads before finally parking so we could take pictures.







The last picture was taken on a second (and final) stop.

We went home, and I had a few minutes to eat something before rushing to Bible class. Class was good, but I was struggling to stay awake, which is unusual for me. The past few days have been so exhausting emotionally that my body, mind, and heart are all starting to shut down at once, and I felt sick in pretty much every possible way. I got home and tried to do precal for a while (Anywhere, Telpe, and Mar were on campus together), but I couldn't focus at all so I went and curled up in bed to try to read more of my Bible textbook. After about half an hour my brain started to shut down (as it invariably does if I try to do homework in bed). I ended up dozing for about 15 minutes with my textbook over my face. Which probably looked ridiculous, but I didn't care. I woke myself up exactly when I wanted to wake up and came back downstairs to finish precal.

All this is rather unimportant. Suffice it to say that Anywhere went off with Emerwen for the evening, Linte, Telpe, and I had our customary monthly Literary Society meeting to attend, and then I went to work.

Emerwen and Anywhere came to meet me towards the end of my shift, and we walked together. Em parted ways with us to go back to her dorm, and I got just a few minutes alone with Any as we walked back to our house, which was very special to me.

Telpe was lying in wait for us at the house, so we made tea together and then watched the moot play. I love watching that. It makes me so happy. I hadn't seen it since I last watched it with the Ferns, which made me miss them.

I really didn't feel like doing any more homework that night, and I'd done a lot that afternoon, so I watched an episode of Monk with my family and Anywhere before coming to write this.

There have been some hard things going on lately that have been testing my limits in new, creative, and painful ways. But something comes to mind as I think about the past week: before this, I had several weeks where I was happier than I had been in months. Not because of anything happening in my life, but because I was absolutely drowning in the current of God's love, and I felt absolutely lost in and in awe of Him. At the time I wondered what in the world was going on. Now I realize He was strengthening me with His strength. God's just awesome like that.

I have a separate blog entry that needs to be written as far as thoughts on this topic go, but that comes later. For now, I'm just going to say that... life is crazy, and insane, and I'm glad God knows what He's doing, because I definitely don't. I love having Anywhere here. On the one hand I keep feeling like I should apologize for who I am, and all I do and don't do – the way I'm awkward and withdrawn, the way I don't always have the right words to say, the way I forget I'm supposed to smile. I remind myself I felt this way for the first 8 days of the moot. It doesn't help much.

On the other hand, whenever I'm actually actively interacting with Anywhere, I'm happy and content. She is so gentle. I don't know if I can explain it, but it's something I admire so much more than I could say. It's something I strive for, but never quite reach. It's so... refreshing, and calming, to be with her. I love to listen to her laugh. I love her hugs. I love the fact that she loves Sharpies about as much as I do. I just love to be with her. I get to see just little pieces of who she is, and it's beautiful.

These next few days and weeks will be interesting. Over and over I remind myself that some days – most days, if you're like me – the best we can do is take it one day, maybe one moment, at a time, trusting God to love us through it.

- Elraen -


Joy said...

You know, this post makes me quite happy. :) Knowing that you are happy - and with people who love you just for being YOU makes me happy. I'm not sure how to explain it...
The pictures are wonderful too.

MangyCat said...

Thank you for the update from your perspective, Elraen. You know we like to hear from you too!

I am so sorry that things have been rough lately. I pray that things get better. Hey, if you need to IM me (even when it says I'm busy) just to be listened to, I'm always here for you. *hugs*
(I would offer for you to call, but I know you're not much of a phone person. Me either. :oops:)

It brings great joy to my heart that you and Anywhere are enjoying each other. I feel privileged to know you both.