Closed Doors, Empty Hallways, and God

I haven’t written as much about my personal walk with Christ these past few months, partly because it’s been too much to get into words. This blog entry has been heavy on my heart for a long time, but it kept trying to wrap itself in the security of all the right words and Christian phrases, and that got it so tangled that it choked up my creativity. So I’ll just aim for honesty instead.

College was hard (and I’ve said that so much that it’s barely even necessary anymore). As I approached graduation, God told me pretty clearly I needed to head out-- away from Texas. After months of prayer and uncertainty, a very dear friend who I’ve known since I was 14 let me know her house in Colorado Springs (already a second home to me) was open to me for however long I needed to get on my feet. I prayed some more, and God told me this was the next step He was giving me.

Broke, weary from four years of full time college and working multiple jobs, having no firm idea of what I would do... I bought a car for $25, got rid of a lot of my stuff, packed up some of what was left, and set off for Colorado. I came up with lots of reasons to tell people why I was going out there, but I knew the real reason, the reason that would make a lot of people say I am crazy: I was chasing God. I’d heard Him whisper to me the simple word “come.” So I went.

I will be honest: I was obedient when God asked me to leave what I knew behind, but I was also very much still operating under the mindset that this earned me something, however indirectly. You surrender to God, God does good things. That’s how it works, right? I felt sure that He must be sending me out there because He has some mission for me to do, some huge job opportunity, something to justify the sacrifice I was making.

We are rarely taught how to handle it when we give everything to God and things turn out nothing like we expected. After 30-something job applications and a half dozen interviews, I had heard these basic things many times: “you are talented, you are qualified, but because of [insert random out-of-the-blue reason here] we can’t hire you.”

In this process, at least twice I had interviews for jobs that I would have considered exactly what I expected God to do with my life. Both times I was told I was qualified, and both times something completely out of my control happened to close the door (and slam and lock it in my face). And instead of saving the world, I found myself doing different things entirely-- spending hours on the phone and typing e-mails to friends and family. Babysitting my friend’s two precious children, learning how to play again. Helping admin one of my favorite bands’ street team. Scrubbing toilets and taking out the trash at a local vocational school to earn money for bills. Trading in my car for scrap metal to fund plane tickets.

These are all things that feel very small to me compared to what I had assumed would happen. Everything I sacrificed seemed to have seen no return. It felt like I’d been walking down a long, empty hallway for months, frantically knocking on every door I encountered-- sometimes seeing them open just enough to give me a glimpse of something beyond before they closed again. But slowly that perspective has been changing.

When I was in college, the classrooms may have been my destinations, but that doesn’t mean that nothing was happening in the hallways. Many of the conversations I had happened because I bumped into someone on the way to class. I saw people playing games in hallways, I sang songs in hallways, I had time to think. Hallways are not empty when we start to pay attention to the other people there-- people we would not have met had we been in a room at that point in time. Those little things we do in transit, the conversations that happen, the time for thinking-- these things are not as insignificant as we think they are (especially when we stop seeing things as coincidences and instead understand the intentionality of something beyond us at work). These every day moments may seem small in themselves, but they build something bigger. I have had some of my most meaningful conversations in hallways, and I have built some of my strongest friendships in hallways-- both literal and figurative.

More importantly for me, I have come to believe this: God is not hiding behind one of these closed doors, laughing to see us stuck on the other side. He’s with us in the hallway. This is not a cosmic game of hide and seek. This is a steady walking with a Person who is as much in the process as in the destination. Maybe one of these doors will be opened someday, but if so it will be opened not from the other side, but by the One who has been walking beside me this whole time.

Every time I’ve felt like this time has been wasted, I’ve heard Him say “I am with you.” And every time I’ve pounded my fist against a closed door, I’ve heard Him say “I am still with you.” And every time I’ve asked an unanswerable question, I’ve heard Him say “I’m not leaving.” And that has been slowly teaching me something new, something hard, something beautiful: the end goal of all this was never a job or a mission or a ministry, as valuable as those things are. It was Him. I came to Colorado, and I will leave Colorado, for one reason alone... to know Him more.

And all of this makes me wonder if any good I think is behind these locked doors is a myth anyway. The future is not a long list of possible options anymore. There are only two for me now-- to walk with God, or to not. And as long as I am walking with Him, I am in the place where I am supposed to be.



And I know this is very uncool and very theologically simplistic of me, but what I’m trying to say is this: maybe more than ever before, I feel like there is nothing in this world for me but Jesus Christ. And as long as He goes with me, I don’t care anymore which doors I go through.

Be blessed today, wherever you're coming from as you read this. Thanks so much to so many of you who have been hanging out in the hallway with me-- I am so grateful.

- Elraen -

Best of 2012

I used to do this every year, and then for 2011 I wrote it but never posted it because, honestly, I was too cynical at the time to want to inflict it on the world. But I thought it would be worthwhile to give the summary another shot for 2012.

12 Goals I Wrote For Myself for 2012:
1. Get out of college. Preferably with my GPA intact. - (Done.)
2. Move out on my own, Lord willing. - (Also done, more or less)
3. Get a decent DSLR camera - (Done, thanks to some very generous graduation gifts)
4. Spend as much time with Jordan as possible - (We got more time than in any other year before, so that can be called successful)
5. Work on letting God break my obsessive need for validation - (Well, I didn’t do so great at this one, so He pried my fingers loose)
6. Actually get an internship. For real this time. (Done. And got published again as a result)
7. Get rid of everything I own that is nonessential (Done. I got rid of at least ⅓ of my stuff, if not ½, and much of what is left is in storage)
8. Get my car fixed and drivable (Done, for the majority of the year, though it stopped working for good towards the end)
9. See shows in at least two new states (Done-- saw shows in Tennessee, Colorado, and Indiana for the first time)
10. Write more than 20 blog posts and more than 12 songs (Fell short here-- 17 blog posts, and only about 4 or 5 new songs are in a more or less complete state)
11. Do a better job knowing when to humble myself and ask for help (That one also kind of was forced on me)
12. Live in joy (I get a feeling I’ll be working on this one for the rest of my life)


10 Significant Events of 2012:
1. Shooting the Rock and Worship Roadshow at the American Airlines Arena in Dallas, February 10, 2012
2. Visiting Nashville over Spring Break 2012
3. Graduating from college summa cum laude with a Bachelor of Arts in Digital Writing, May 5
4. Being a bridesmaid in my dear friend Kate’s wedding
5. Moving to Colorado June 3 to live with a longtime friend and mentor and her family
6. Getting engaged to my highschool best friend, August 12
7. Getting my first tattoo
8. Shooting the Music With a Mission tour, meeting up with a whole crowd of my Disciple fan-mily friends, and getting to meet a fantastic NRT coworker (all in one night), October 7
9. Waiting in line all day with a friend for the midnight release of The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey and then sharing my first-ever midnight showing with friends
10. Visiting Texas for Christmas and sharing my first holiday with my fiance

Photo credits-- graduation picture by my sister Mercy, bridesmaids picture by Curt Collier, engagement picture by my friend Ruth, tattoo picture by my friend and housemate Mangy, MWAM tour shot by Sarah Atkins, Christmas picture by my sister

10 Random Places I Visited in 2012:
1. A courthouse in South Carolina with a fountain that looked silver in the moonlight
2. A resort in Nashville, Tennessee in order to photograph music-themed topiary created by a friend’s uncle
3. A random little cafe in Little Rock, Arkansas filled with work by local artists
4. The surprisingly comfortable motel in the little nowhere town of Hayes, Kansas
5. A little carnival in Greeley, Colorado, outside of an arena where we went to see Skillet
6. A Kroger parking lot in New Albany, Indiana that proved to be an exceptionally hard-to-find meeting place
7. A strange barn in Georgia covered in red, white, and blue decorations where my friend Daer and I ended up when we got minorly lost on the way to a rehearsal dinner
8. A little church hidden in the sidestreets of Arlington, Texas, with an unusually good sound system
9. The grave of Bonnie Parker, famous as one half of the outlaw duo Bonnie and Clyde
10. A friend’s grandparents’ friends house near Woodland Park, Colorado in order to help with evacuation on the first day of the Waldo Canyon Fire


The 10 Songs that were the Most Special to Me in 2012:
1. “Glass Heart Hymn” by Paper Route
2. “Center Aisle” by Caedmon’s Call
3. “The First Time” by MercyMe
4. “Once and For All” by Disciple
5. “Holy (Wedding Day)” by The City Harmonic
6. “Superhero” by Family Force 5
7. “Be Somebody” by Thousand Foot Krutch
8. “Life in the Pain” by SafetySuit
9. “Heartbeat” by The Fray
10. “Something Beautiful” by Needtobreathe


10 Books I Read in 2012 (“read,” not necessarily “recommend for all audiences”):
1. “Howl’s Moving Castle” by Diana Wynne Jones
2. “The Sparrow” by Mary Doria Russell
3. “Searching for God Knows What” by Donald Miller
4. “Heart, You Bully, You Punk” by Leah Hager Cohen
5. “Warbreaker” by Brandon Sanderson
6. “One Thousand Gifts” by Ann Voskamp (re-read)
7. “Letters to Malcolm” by C.S. Lewis
8. “Till We Have Faces” by C.S. Lewis (3rd re-read)
9. “Body Piercing Saved My Life” by Andrew Beaujon
10. “The Hobbit” by J.R.R. Tolkien (11th re-read)


10 Miscellaneous Things I Learned in 2012:
1. God will not always give us what we want, but He will always, without fail, give us what we need.
2. Loving people and being liked by people are two very different things.
3. The American dream is never going to satisfy me.
4. Freedom is found in grace, which by its very nature is only to be accepted, not earned.
5. There is something incredibly, unspeakably valuable in a friend who has been through the darkest nights with you and yet is still willing to share absurd jokes or talk about nothing at all over a cup of coffee.
6. Sometimes it’s not a bad thing to lose things, even if it hurts.
7. At the end of the day, every single person you meet is a human as fragile and brave as you are-- no matter how different their lifestyles or beliefs are from your own. As such, there is very little reason to be afraid of anyone.
8. I would rather be honest and not get a position because of it than to fake who I am and get somewhere on false pretenses.
9. Christ will always be the cornerstone of my life. This will not always make me well liked, and it will often lead me to places that even the church will not support me in, but I would not have it any other way.
10. I cannot throw something out and call it worthless or invalid simply because it doesn’t make sense to me. This goes for events, ideas, beliefs, and truths. I find no other way to face life than head on-- even when it’s hard, confusing, and even when it hurts.


10 Goals for 2013:
(This is problematic to write this time around because I have so little idea of what my life will look like for much of the year. So I’m going to have to aim pretty low)
1. Finish a draft of my novel “Starlings”
2. See (and shoot) at least one band I haven’t seen before
3. Make a more dedicated effort to keep up with guitar playing
4. Plan a wedding (more specifically, mine)
5. Learn to take more personal initiative
6. Invest better in relationships that I have slighted much more than I should
7. Keep up with Greek
8. Learn at least one new piece on the piano (from sheets, not that I personally arrange)
9. Drink less coffee (and learn to drink it black)
10. Volunteer more of my time investing in the ministries and causes I care deeply about

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey Review in Brief

Here is my bullet-point review of The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey. It should be noted that this is after only one viewing, and I’m sure it will take another dozen to fully form my opinions on a lot of it.

The Awesome:

- The Elves. They were absolutely brilliantly done. This movie made them more accessible without detracting from their nobility-- we see them eating, playing music, smiling. I love the other side we get to see of Elrond, and Galadriel was absolutely perfectly portrayed. And the small glimpse we get of Thranduil and the wood elves beautifully conveyed their beautiful-but-perilous nature, as well as giving them a look that is elvish but distinct from Lorien and Rivendell elves.

- Martin Freeman is Bilbo in a way I have very rarely seen on screen. He captured the heart of the character beautifully.

- The rendering of Thorin is fantastic-- they managed to really draw his motivations to the fore, making him a very dynamic and more relatable character.

- The way they drew on Middle Earth history (via the LotR appendices, The Silmarillion, and Unfinished Tales) is absolutely fantastic. It does slow the movie down a bit at the beginning, but it effectively builds the backdrop. Slowing the movies down into three gave them time to explore more history than the LotR trilogy did, and they do so with tremendous accuracy and respect for detail.

- This movie gives an opportunity to explore Dwarvish culture. The glimpses we get of Erebor and even the interactions between the questing company gives us some fascinating glimpses into the world of dwarves, and they explore while remaining remarkably true to the spirit of Tolkien’s work.

- We get to see Frodo again. It might be slightly gimmicky to provide an interlude that shows Frodo and Bilbo interacting on the morning of the day where their story in Fellowship of the Ring starts, but even if it is a little contrived, I love it so much that I don’t care. Frodo is very much in character as the Hobbit he was before his own quest, which is bittersweet.

- The White Council was portrayed with both class and accuracy. The dynamic between Elrond, Galadriel, Gandalf, and Saruman is really intriguing, and clear without being simplistic even for those with very little knowledge of the characters’ histories. I was intensely grateful that they stayed true to Saruman’s character in particular instead of falling prey to the over-obvious foreshadow option.

- Despite the massive amount of Dwarves in the questing party, they are all kept relatively distinct and given personalities. I love how well they captured Balin in particular.

- The wizards. I like that they included Radagast, and despite the slight oddity of the mushroom references and pipe weed, overall I thought that they provided a valid take on his character. I also love how Gandalf says he “never quite could remember their names” of the blue wizards, who Tolkien also remained oddly silent about-- it was a fun nod to an element of Middle Earth lore.

- Figwit. I really, really appreciate that Jackson and co dropped in a reference that only rabid fans digging through internet forums and chat rooms a decade ago would really pick up on. It was done well, inserting him recast as an actual Rivendell elf mentioned in Fellowship of the Ring without any self-congratulatory references to his past role.

- Almost all of the deviations from Tolkien’s work are very purposeful and justified. I am a big fan of the idea that you have to keep in mind that movies and books are different mediums requiring different methods. I felt that Jackson stayed more true to the spirit of Tolkien’s work here than even in his original trilogy, and even where there are deviations, they (usually) feel in line with the world of Middle Earth and are easily explained by the shift from 80-year-old literature to contemporary film.

- By the end, Bilbo provides a heartfelt quality of trying to do the right thing without seeming oppressively didactic. Rather than inserting elements of a philosophy that was not there, the movie drew themes that were more subtle in the book into the foreground throughout.


The In-between:

- This story is less sophisticated. Which is completely expected and understandable given that the narrative was originally fashioned for children, but it means looking at it through a slightly different lens than the Lord of the Rings movies. It’s less layered and more shiny.

- I have mixed feelings about the use of Orkish, particularly given that Tolkien never developed that language. It feels more or less genuine, but also unnecessary. The Elvish, on the other hand, was beautifully placed and phrased.

- On a similar note, I was intrigued by the re-imagining of the goblins. We see Misty Mountains goblins in the Mines of Moria in Fellowship of the Ring, but the filmmakers opted to completely re-imagine them this time around.


The Less Awesome

- The entire side story regarding Azog the Pale Orc. I understand the need to drive the story by drawing on a more immediate antagonist while Smaug is still far away, but I think it could have been done in a better way-- that entire side plot felt like a contrived story element they plugged in for the sake of injecting urgency and drama. The deviation from Tolkien canon doesn’t bother me as much as the narrative sloppiness. The character is based on information found in the appendices, but turned into a sort of reverse Moby Dick revenge side plot.

- At times the humor was overly cheap for my taste. I recognize that The Hobbit is intended to be more lighthearted, but lighthearted does not necessarily require reduction. I was mildly disappointed in that aspect (examples: Bilbo being used as a troll handkerchief, the entire sequence with the Great Goblin).

- The CGI feels a little rushed in places, which is more disappointing than it otherwise would be given that this movie is from the same creators who had a major role in defining modern special effects to begin with. Some of the perspective work also felt a little bit shoddy-- the overall standards did not seem as high as in the LotR trilogy, despite having more resources and significantly more advanced technology this time around. Again, I probably wouldn't think anything of it were it any movie besides this one.


Overall
The moment the credits rolled, I wanted the movie to go back to the beginning so I could watch it all over again. The revisit to Middle Earth was vibrant, well-balanced, and faithful to the original while updating some narrative elements for a new generation of fans. Even at 2 hours and 45 minutes it felt too short, and the movie never lost my focus. I will most certainly be watching it many more times in the months and years to come.

Favorite 10 Albums of 2012

Every year has its soundtrack. These were the albums that contributed to mine this year.

Top 10 Albums of 2012

1. The Fray: Scars and Stories
Favorite tracks: “Heartbeat,” “Rainy Zurich,” “Be Still”
I’ve liked The Fray’s last two albums, but I feel like this is the album where they truly came into their own. The lyrics are about living life-- when it feels like flying and when it rubs you raw, love and faith and trying to move forward. There is a perfect layer of guitars to counterweight Isaac Slade’s fragile, almost weightless voice. This has had consistent plays throughout the year, but was the soundtrack specifically to my spring.

2. David Crowder*Band: Give Us Rest
Favorite tracks: “O Great God, Give Us Rest,” “Let Me Feel You Shine,” “Sometimes,” “Oh, My God I’m Coming Home”
I’m going to be honest, I was a little biased against this album purely because the mainstream CCM community was excited about it. Fortunately, I gave it a shot anyway. This is an album that largely needs to be taken as a whole-- an experience, a religious mass, a journey. It is reverent and rich and layered, a spectacular end to the career of a band that changed the way the Christian community worships.

3. Thousand Foot Krutch: The End Is Where We Begin
Favorite tracks: “Be Somebody,” “Courtesy Call,” “Fly On the Wall”
This album provides a beautiful blend of TFK’s strong points, from the rapcore that established their career over a decade ago to the symphonic rock sound that buoyed 2009’s Welcome to the Masquerade. Although there are a lot of relatively substance-less rock anthems, they are balanced by themes of change, of identity, of overcoming apathy, even of worship. This is an album that carries a little of the explosive energy of Thousand Foot Krutch’s live show into my headphones.

4. Capital Lights: Rhythm N Moves
Favorite tracks: “Rhythm N’ Moves,” “Caroline,” “Newport”
This is a bit of a departure for this list, but it has been a consistent favorite since its summer release. I was a fan of Capital Lights’ debut, and thus devastated by the disbandment that shortly followed-- and thrilled when they reunited to hit the studio again. This is a rare case of clean dance music that actually provokes some thought while still providing some killer beats. Their tongue-in-cheek writing style and infectious hooks make this album memorable.

5. The Classic Crime: Phoenix
Favorite tracks: “Beautiful Darkside,” “Heaven and Hell,” “Let Me Die,” “What I’d Give Up”
I was a kickstarter backer for this one, and I certainly didn’t regret it. Independence allowed The Classic Crime to fully dig into their rich potential, coloring their tunes with dark-edged lyrics and a punk-influenced rock vibe that feels more mature and dynamic than any of their previous releases.

6. Project 86: Wait for the Siren
Favorite tracks: “Fall, Goliath, Fall,” “Off the Grid,” “Blood Moon”
This is one of the few releases I’ve heard in the past five years that has legitimately heavy guitars-- “skull crushing” might be a more apt descriptor. The instrumentation is strong in more areas than just guitar work though, including pipes and a dulcimer to add a haunting thread to the songs. Project 86 mastermind Andrew Schwab didn’t hold off on the lyrics either, using words to weave an epic with an almost narrative feeling to it. This is one of the very few albums I have ever reviewed that I legitimately could not find flaws with.

7. Anberlin: Vital
Favorite tracks: “Self-Starter,” “Little Tyrants,” “Modern Age,” “God, Drugs & Sex”
I’ve been following Anberlin since their masterpiece Cities, but like many fans, none of their more recent releases had connected to me in anywhere near the same way. Although this isn’t quite Cities-level, it’s the first one that could be compared in the past 6 years. Anberlin brought back the more brooding, hard-edged guitar sound of Never Take Friendship Personal and Cities while blending in the more atmospheric, electronic elements of Dark is the Way, Light is a Place. This is truly a masterpiece, experimental but grounded, poetic but raw.

8. Disciple: O God Save Us All
Favorite tracks: “Once And For All,” “O God Save Us All,” “Draw the Line”
This album was very highly anticipated for me to the point where I was afraid of being let down-- but I wasn’t. This is a beautiful blending of their harder sound and their skill with symphonic ballads, showcasing their skill in diverse formats. The lyrics are the strongest songwriting I’ve heard yet on a Disciple record, bridging themes of the Christian life from beginning to end. The album beautifully captures Disciple’s identity and mission as a band, and achieves some serious rock and roll in the process.


9. Flyleaf: New Horizon
Favorite tracks:  “Fire Fire,” “Bury Your Heart,” “Broken Wings”
The last Flyleaf album really had to grow on me, but this one I liked from the first listen. Beyond being the band’s most musically textured work to date, it is also the most thematically dynamic, exploring both struggle and victory with both urgency and thoughtfulness. Lead vocalist Lacey Sturm’s announcement about stepping down coincided with the record’s release, making it even more meaningful for fans. This is an album that has promise to endure.

10. Paper Route: The Peace of Wild Things
Favorite tracks: “Glass Heart Hymn,” “Letting You Let Go,” “Rabbit Holes”
Although the indie sound of Paper Route’s Absence was enough to earn them an underground following, the most accessible sound of Peace of the Wild Things is launching them into a more visible spotlight. Although this could easily be just another indie-and-electronic influenced alt rock release, Paper Route really poured their hearts into this album-- heartache, spirituality, healing, and despair are all explored with the flashlight provided by the band’s intensely purposeful instrumentation. This album is breathtaking, raw, and worth every single word of critical acclaim.


Runners Up Who Were Also Awesome But Won't Fit On the List:
World We View - Nine Lashes
Lights of Distant Cities - Bebo Norman
Mean What You Say - Sent By Ravens
Beneath the Scars - 12 Stones
Murdered Love - P.O.D.
Resuscitate - Remedy Drive
The Struggle - Tenth Avenue North
Life Will Write the Words - The Rocket Summer
The Midsummer Station - Owl City



(Feel free to comment with your own favorites-- I’m sure I’ve overlooked some with my list, and I’m always up for hearing more good tunes!)

Just A Story: Lord of the Rings

When I was 13 years old, in the deepest throes of my Lord of the Rings fandom days, my family gathered for a reunion in Tennessee. The final movie installment, Return of the King, had released the winter before, and despite being on a 12-year-old’s budget with a 12-year-old’s transportation challenges, I’d managed to scrape together enough allowance to see the movie in theaters 6 times. Now I was eagerly awaiting the DVD release, constantly adding to my memorabilia collection, and wearing a One Ring on a chain around my neck (as I did for at least five years of my life).

During that reunion, I remember a morning where I escaped the hubbub of family breakfast to sit at a table by the lake, watching the morning waves wash the rocks over and over again, imagining it was the sea. My great aunt came out to join me, and she noticed the ring on my chain. I told her about how much I loved the stories, and she listened with a kind of attention adults rarely gave me. When I finished, she sat back and looked at me for a moment. “Mary, what do you think the greatest lesson you’ve learned from those stories is?”

I paused, struggling to put into words the weight of what I drew from that narrative, the fantasy that was more real to me than anything else I’d ever known. “I think it’s that you have to keep going, you have to keep doing the right thing-- even if sometimes you can’t see any hope that you’re going to make it through.”

It’s 2012 now, over eight years since that conversation, over a decade since I first picked up the books or went to see Fellowship of the Ring in the theater. I’ve worked half a dozen jobs, gone to college and earned my B.A., owned my first car, gotten engaged. And yet there is a part of me that is still that kid who dedicated hours to writing poetry in elvish, who put up nearly 300 Lord of the Rings pictures and posters in a hallway. That is not all I am now-- my life is bigger, and my heart holds more. But there will always be a part of me that is still tethered there.

There are very few stories that are “just” a story. We take these stories, these narratives, and they become part of our own story-- and in that way they are incredibly, piercingly real. Lord of the Rings has shaped me in a way very few other stories could. It informed my hobbies, pushed me to make friends with incredible people all over the world, taught me a deeper appreciation for myth and literature, and strengthened and shaped my faith. And it’s not just my story-- that is the beautiful thing. It’s a story I share with everyone else who claims it as a favorite, who has left a piece of themselves in Middle Earth. We might all live it in different ways, for different reasons, and it means different things to different people, but it belongs to all of us equally.

For me the story has become my story because of that simple lesson I could already put into words when I was 13, a truth that became increasingly adamant to me as I grew up and learned that the “real world” was so much darker and harder than even Lord of the Rings could have prepared me for. We all have our journeys through Mordor. We all have our rings to carry, our burdens like chains around our necks, threatening to wear us away to nothing. And in the moments of my life when I can see absolutely no practical reason to believe there is anything on the other side of the dark, when the idea of a return journey after everything that has happened seems impossible-- I remember this story that I claimed as a 10-year-old. You keep going. Even if you don’t get to know how it ends. Even if all the odds are against you. Even if it seems like you’ve lost everything, that the whole world is crumbling. Samwise Gamgee gives the reason well: we hold on because “there’s some good in this world, Mr. Frodo. And it’s worth fighting for.” And sometimes, against all the odds... you reach the end of the fight and find that everything sad comes untrue.



It was never just a story.

“Though here at journey’s end I lie
In darkness buried deep,
Beyond all towers strong and high,
Beyond all mountains steep,
Above all shadows rides the Sun
And Stars forever dwell:
I will not say the day is done,
Nor bid the stars farewell.”
- Return of the King

- Elraen -

Chasing Beauty

Our hearts can be ugly places.

The fight against bitterness, anger, despair, lust, pride, and fear leaves us torn, more like a warzone than the lighthouses our hearts were meant to be-- more like the reactionary sea than the smooth depths of the sky. I think we lose ourselves sometimes in that fight, in that ever-busy attempt to escape the clutter we have collected or the stains that have been painted on us by an equally busy world. Maybe getting lost in introspection, in obsessive self-examination and despair at what we find, is a trademark of the artist. Maybe it is a mark more widespread than that. Regardless, I find myself there often.

This year I learned I had two options: I could let the stone of my heart soften and learn how to soak in grace, or I could let it go completely cold and die. So I seek to soften my heart, even when it means bleeding. And a part of that has been an increasing fight to see beauty, to recognize it.

I learned something a long time ago in the worst days of depression: when you wake up in the morning too crippled to get out of bed, name one thing in life that is beautiful, one thing that gives you cause for hope. It’s harder than it sounds, when you’re in the thick of it and everything inside is a wasteland. It’s a discipline I had to train myself into. Many days, the only thing I could think of to name was my converse, but that was enough. It was one beautiful thing that pulled me outside myself and gave me a taste of gratitude.

We need to remember that there are beautiful things. We need to see them and name them. Maybe because it pulls us outside of ourselves, maybe because the existence of beautiful things gives us hope for our own hearts, so wayward, so reckless, yet slowly being shaped, molded-- made beautiful. I think this is why I am a photographer. I started photography my freshman year of college, in a time when I desperately needed to believe there were still beautiful things in the world. I would go on long walks with my camera over the campus that I hated, forcing myself to stop at details, to capture them, to see beauty.

That has been more important than ever before these past few months. Instagram has become a tool for capturing it, for forcing my eyes to see. Sometimes I write lists of things I saw that day that were beautiful, lists that to other eyes might look strange-- things like the way a favorite singer’s voice climbs to perfectly fill out a high note, the contrast of houses raised high on a ridge against a pale sky, watching two strangers talk like friends on facebook, hearing a brief sentence from someone that shows their heart is brave even in the midst of pain, seeing someone laugh in the tired ordinary of a grocery store. These are beautiful things. I write them down, I let them pull me outside myself. I walk out the door to work at 6:45 early in the morning, see the sun rising all red-gold with the splendor of autumn leaves, and I open my hands and say thank you.

Because for me, that is the necessary response, the part that seals it. I do not belong to the aesthetic school of thought that praises beauty for beauty’s sake. I hear in it an echo of this Grace that pours through the cracks, floods the warzone, fills out the shadows. I hear God echoing through my world, and I say thank you. These beautiful things are not deserved or necessary, but they still show up in my life in a riot of color and song. Gratitude is often the most effective way to pull myself beyond the snare of the shadows.

Some days I don’t have a spark in me left to start a fire, to warm the cold, to clear the cobwebs of a world spinning in the dark. But if I can open my eyes to see one thing-- one beautiful thing in this whole world of contrast-- then there is hope. Grace is still here. Redemption still has stories to tell.

- Elraen -

P.S. I don't often recommend books, but I would highly recommend Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Gifts. That book shaped and solidified much of my view on gratitude and grace.

Stickers and Stars

Something I learned about myself long ago (that may be true for many of you as well) is that I like to surround myself with reminders.

One of the most defining characteristics of my walls when I lived at home was that I wallpapered everything in posters. Mostly movie posters to begin with, but later band posters, TWLOHA posters, pictures of friends, poems, song lyrics. I’ve been known to start on the ceiling when I ran out of wall.

Most of my other possessions get similar treatment. My old laptop was covered in stickers, and my new one has already begun to acquire its colorful skin. My guitar has escaped, but the chipboard case has not. Even the bumper of my ornery car has been begrudgingly bequeathed with some color.

I think I do this because I need to remember. I need to remember that there are people, there are things, that are beautiful-- even when my emotions and frustrations and weary human heart would speak otherwise. I need to remember to love people, to be grateful for gifts, to let myself be loved.

Sometimes the reminders are not just pictures. Sometimes the reminders come in the form of days, of moments, of events that poke holes gently in the everyday dark. I had a day like that recently.

I roadtripped to see some of my very favorite bands with some dear friends. For a night I was surrounded by the songs, after so many months of so much silence. For a night I was surrounded by friends, after months in a place where only a handful of people know my name. For a night I felt like I still have a place in this world to stand. I didn’t need that night, in the strict sense of the word-- God is present in the silence, in the loneliness, in the instability, and there have been many blessings in the midst of all of it. And yet, sometimes I am so very grateful that He gently reminds me...

reminds me that there are so many beautiful people I get to know...

reminds me that there are somehow, strangely, people who want to know me...

reminds me that songs still tell true stories, and I sometimes get to hear them...

reminds me that we’re allowed to find joy in things as simple as some solid rock and roll...

reminds me that God still speaks truth through the words and actions of the most unexpected friends...

reminds me that there is still hope beyond what I can see for myself.

Those are the moments I stick to the walls of my heart to remember. Those are the moments I hold close, letting their quiet glow remind me that there is such a thing as a sunrise. Those are the moments that remind me of who I am, of what I love, of the One who loves me.

So in the darkness we look for stars-- the inconsistent yet constant pinpricks of light tearing through the dark to let the shine bleed through. I am still seeking the stars. I hope you’ll watch with me tonight.

- Elraen -

(Thanks to Stac, Sarah Atkins, and Lainie for some of the pictures in this post)