tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-49918953313807254692024-03-08T14:15:40.631-07:00Wandering Starhope is not a strangerElraenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07034918485021649432noreply@blogger.comBlogger145125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991895331380725469.post-84611171950166260942015-01-24T21:02:00.000-07:002015-01-26T12:37:57.161-07:00The Nashville Loneliness<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">You've held your head up,</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">you've fought the fight,</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">you bear the scars,</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">you've done your time.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Listen to me:</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">you've been lonely, too long.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">- The Civil Wars</span></div>
<b id="docs-internal-guid-d33ccd15-1f37-5206-bbd8-2bf60e169641" style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">They shut off all the water to our apartment twice in one week in order to fix a major tear in the water main.
</span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">
The first time, we had no warning, and no awareness of how long it would be off. After half a day of sitting around bemoaning my unshowered state, Jordan and I got out of the house to run errands and live in the world of running water again for a distraction.
</span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">
As we were checking out at Trader Joes, the cashier started a casual conversation with Jordan. In the course of their interchange, it came out that our water was shut off for some indeterminate amount of time. The cashier looked at us with refreshingly human concern in his eyes and said "do you guys have a place to go?"
</span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">
While Jordan was explaining that the water would likely be on later that day, that it wasn't that big a deal, I felt an uncomfortable, familiar ache clamp its hands over my throat. I didn't contribute anything to the conversation. But if I'd been honest, I would have said "we can drive two hours to my in-laws' place, or four hours to my friends-like-family in Atlanta, or to Arkansas or Texas or Kansas or Colorado or North Carolina or Wisconsin or Ohio or just about any other state in this country, plus several other countries, and we'd have a place to go. But here? So few people even know our names."
</span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">
This subject seems so tired and worn out to me, like a song with a solid riff that bites deep-- until I play it dozens of times, play it til it blurs. And I shrink from being ungrateful or self-pitying or just whiny. But the reality is that it's still relevant as 2015 begins, and given that this year is a blank canvas with very little for me to anticipate, the persistent presence of this factor is hard to escape:
</span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">
<a href="http://elraen.blogspot.com/2014/02/the-art-of-isolation.html" target="_blank">it's lonely out here.</a>
</span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">
I'm in a strange position in that some of my external circumstances are perhaps the best they have ever been. Which makes it challenging to me to explain at times why I am not more grateful, why, for example, I spent the second half of last year feeling lifeless and cold in ways I haven't experienced in half a decade. And I'm grateful for what's inside the walls of my apartment, for my husband and our roommate, for our little island in a lonely city. But the reality is this: the cheesy sentiment that "success is nothing unless you have people to share it with" is actually true.
</span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">
Someday I'm going to write more about the vast misperception that achieving "it" (a job you love, a marriage, a change in appearance) mends you, but for now suffice it to say this: when I'm up late with yet another of the panic attacks that have been my constant friend since moving here, or when I can't get out of bed for hours because of the weight on my chest, I'm not clutching my stack of all access lanyards from music industry events for comfort. I'm not repeating to myself the number of pounds I've lost in the past few years. In those moments, I wish instead simply that I could, for five seconds, sit in a corner and listen to a group of friends talk-- to know, for even five seconds, that I have somewhere to go when the water's shut off.
</span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">
I have had the extreme privilege, and extreme responsibility, of having relationships that are indescribably deep and vibrant and tenacious and lasting-- of riding out all the incredible joys and searing pains that come with that. I know, and am constantly reminded, how many people care about me and believe in my story from a distance, even when I give them zero reason to. Texts and messages and emails come out of the blue from people who are incredibly, absurdly kind to me, and I treasure those people and those words beyond what I could say. I know this: if I was ever really, truly in trouble, there are people who would drop everything to help me. I know this because I've had people do it.
</span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">
And all of this is part of what makes my relationship with Nashville more emotionally overwrought than a Taylor Swift song. I've been here for a year and a half and have yet to stick a single root into this dry ground I'll be stuck on for another three and a half years. My efforts to connect to people have been half-hearted at best, usually for a pretty simple reason: I'm not sure I want to succeed.
</span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">
This is in part because I've been burned pretty badly several times in the last few years, and I'm a little worn from the incredible pain love so frequently entails, but I know that's not a valid reason-- I learned a long time ago that burn wounds don't mean that fire can't still be useful, beautiful, and light-giving when used correctly. If nothing else, beyond my emotional hurts, my faith tells me that it lives and breathes in and through and with other people. I believe this (or try to).
</span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">
But every time the quiet internal voice I know as the Spirit tells me "it's time to try again with this heart bonding, with this finding new friends" the bitter angst-ridden self I still contend with so often snaps back "I </span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: italic; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">had </span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">perfectly good friends, it's just that You took them all away."
</span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">
And that is the bottom line I've had to sign my name to, to own: this Nashville loneliness has not just been about the (sometimes self-inflicted) isolation. It's been about loss. And I have to allow myself to grieve it as a kind of loss if I want any hope of moving forward. I will never be able to inhabit old relationships and environments in the same way again.
</span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">
Although I love the people I know very, very deeply, I am relatively independent by nature in my day to day life, and I think I always will be-- I am a textbook introvert. I didn't seek out company a lot when I lived in Texas or Colorado (something I regret at times, in retrospect). But to know that there were people I </span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: italic; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">could</span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> hang with, people who would recognize me if I walked into a room, who I could trust with the details of who I was but who would never demand those details from me? That was a gift that sheltered my spirit in ways I never recognized until it was deconstructed around me.
</span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">
The reality is that I've gone through three of the most monumental changes of my life in the past 19 months: I got married, I moved to a new city with no established prior connections, and I started working my "dream job." And though these things are all good, it has been profoundly, inexpressibly challenging to even know how to accept or process them without the context of living, present souls who care that these things happened to me, who remind me that they matter.
</span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">
Because when I don't get reminded, I forget. I have this thing I do where I mentally shut down and pretend I'm not married, I'm not in Nashville, I'm not living this life-- I hide these things from myself because they're too heavy to carry alone, because I either feel like they matter so much I can't bear them or that they don't matter at all. My perspective swings wildly. Perhaps in part this is why many times over the past year and a half when I've traveled to see friends, one of the most universal sentiments I've heard is </span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>we're worried about you-- you're not yourself.
</i></span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>
</i>And I haven't been.
</span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">
There are benefits to this isolation, this molding heat and hardening cold. It has given me space to work through my major issues with relying on the approval of others, it has demanded that I face down false idols and expose the weaknesses in my faith, it has taught me to treasure moments with people more than ever before. Deserts have their purpose; they can make us stronger.
</span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">
But if we stay out there too long, we'll still die.
</span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">
That's where I'm standing at the start of this year. Although I think deciding to change ourselves at a new year's dawn is a little arbitrary, this year the date switch just happened to coincide with a season of internal change for me-- change where I'm fed up with who I've been. Change where I'm tired of letting life happen to me, bully me, instead of intentionally channeling it. Change where I'm ready to accept failures along the way for the sake of things that will be worth it in the end. Change where I want to be myself even if people feel annoyed or uninterested or threatened or frustrated or just straight-up completely misunderstand.
</span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">
This isn't a "so here's what I've learned today, kids" kind of post. This is a "state of the soul" address, if you will, in part because I know I'm not the only one, and in part because not posting this would perpetuate the kind of dishonesty I got so good at last year (there might have to be another post about the absurd level of self-censorship I developed and why it was a pretty dumb idea).
</span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">
But I will say this: after running as hard as you can to get out of a wasteland, punishing your body and destroying your strength in the process, you'll eventually have to stop. And when that happens, chances are it's time to stop looking for the desert edge for the moment-- time to try to set up shelter and dig a well instead.
</span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">
So in 2015, I'm going to attempt to dig some wells. What I'll find isn't certain; the fact that I'll get my hands dirty in the process is. But I have to try-- because if I find water here, it will be worth it.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEnDlhvA7HPfjbswsJp-b8LwvPZA87VaaExQoPiNiiBhzgwddiRqFU2f0JQEPy_uS6C6tu5xXc2XqjqQYQCFYyJYtTz_780wU2kQCotfeSi64cnS0Jz0GW3XdwTKEspeIFFOASWDV_Xze6/s1600/IMG_3561.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEnDlhvA7HPfjbswsJp-b8LwvPZA87VaaExQoPiNiiBhzgwddiRqFU2f0JQEPy_uS6C6tu5xXc2XqjqQYQCFYyJYtTz_780wU2kQCotfeSi64cnS0Jz0GW3XdwTKEspeIFFOASWDV_Xze6/s1600/IMG_3561.JPG" height="400" width="300" /></a></div>
<br />Elraenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07034918485021649432noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991895331380725469.post-16468773906797357582014-12-28T15:23:00.002-07:002014-12-29T11:16:57.485-07:00Best of 2014<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>It's come time for my yearly revisit of events, travels, and lessons learned-- more as a series of personal touchstones than anything else (for reference: <a href="http://elraen.blogspot.com/2009/12/best-of-2009.html" target="_blank">2009</a>, <a href="http://elraen.blogspot.com/2010/12/best-of-2010.html" target="_blank">2010</a>, <a href="http://elraen.blogspot.com/2013/01/best-of-2012.html" target="_blank">2012</a>, <a href="http://elraen.blogspot.com/2013/12/best-of-2013.html" target="_blank">2013</a>).</i></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">10 Goals I had for 2014:</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">1. Run a race (10k at the very least). </span><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">(Didn't make it to a 10k, but I can easily run that far now, and I ran in three official 5k races. So at least I was close!)</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">2. Change my job situation. </span><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">(Heck. yes. And what a beautiful change it has been.)</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">3. Go to a festival again. </span><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">(If you count Warped Tour, yes, but otherwise, this one will have to roll around to next year.)</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">4. Write a letter to/have a conversation with at least one of my heroes explaining the impact they had in my life. </span><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">(Done. Though there are several others who this conversation still needs to happen with.)</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">5. Find some practical ways to combat recurring anxiety episodes. </span><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">(It seems a little optimistic, in hindsight, to put this on the list as a finite, one year goal. It's going to be a lifetime process, I suspect.)</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">6. Volunteer charity work through church at least once. </span><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">(Yes. Although not enough, and I want to challenge myself a lot more in this area.)</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">7. Wear skirts and dresses more. </span><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">(Done. I wore skirts and dresses more this year than in probably the past 8 years of my life combined, and did so in ways that felt true to who I am.)</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">8. Read at least one book in the fields of theology or literature purely for learning/academic reasons. </span><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">(Done. Though specifying learning/academic as opposed to pleasure seems pretty odd also, since the line is so blurred-- learning IS fun.)</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">9. Visit a place I've never been before. </span><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">(I think I was in a total of three or four states this year that I've never been in my life before. Success!)</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">10. Grow my hair out. </span><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">(My hair is the longest it's been since 2011, and the healthiest it's been in my life. So that's cool.)</span></div>
<b id="docs-internal-guid-e174a6e0-92dd-2db3-98e7-d45a0d96bbd2" style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">10 Significant Events of 2014:</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">1. Traveling to Florida and meeting my twin nieces for the first time</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">2. Being present to photograph and share in the deep joy of my friend Ruth's wedding</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">3. Hiking 15 miles in 24 hours with Jordan to celebrate our first wedding anniversary</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="line-height: 14.9499998092651px;">4. Stepping out of my food service job and into a new role with NewReleaseTuesday and everything that entailed– a crazy amazing weekend covering the KLOVE awards, spending time with my bosses Kevin and Marcus face to face for the first time, getting to know and working with our awesome Nashville interns</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbX0f6ixkzl4c45kdk9Mon_HiFQpijYjDBaK_Hcu1vMwwWC9zPUm50yVdG9Ds79vl9vH9gMOHGdkcZuHzg-J8DNCBvsgOVpLclNGNexng-O5PSsaWO0g78k_kDL0bTigbet6noEDFmUIdz/s1600/2014+Collage+1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbX0f6ixkzl4c45kdk9Mon_HiFQpijYjDBaK_Hcu1vMwwWC9zPUm50yVdG9Ds79vl9vH9gMOHGdkcZuHzg-J8DNCBvsgOVpLclNGNexng-O5PSsaWO0g78k_kDL0bTigbet6noEDFmUIdz/s1600/2014+Collage+1.jpg" height="100" width="400" /></a></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">5. Traveling up north to spend a week with my friend Liz, driving, photographing, adventuring </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">6. Moving into our beautiful riverside apartment</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">7. The exhausting, wonderful insanity of Dove Awards week 2014 with Sarah and Caitlin</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjPJv-bTzjj3K-iHBNVKsMkl5b5nUZpRqQkYOS8BZmFT9cIkrp_-dsNTaLn6kEFPOIApSXipjcVYrQti780mFtjCzjHoKZfKbZxnFoDq51Y6CK-KfLCT69_BCUJImg5xUK3SX5D817IUVmx/s1600/2014+Collage+2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjPJv-bTzjj3K-iHBNVKsMkl5b5nUZpRqQkYOS8BZmFT9cIkrp_-dsNTaLn6kEFPOIApSXipjcVYrQti780mFtjCzjHoKZfKbZxnFoDq51Y6CK-KfLCT69_BCUJImg5xUK3SX5D817IUVmx/s1600/2014+Collage+2.jpg" height="132" width="400" /></a></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">
8. The annual CleanPlace Moot in Colorado, three days talking and brainstorming and drinking coffee and dreaming in a house with many of my dearest friends. Correspondingly, the actual forum CleanPlace itself transitioning out and the community shifting to Facebook and face to face contexts </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">9. Fall visit from three siblings and my two adopted brothers from college</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">10. The Triple Christmas of 2014: three uniquely beautiful Christmas celebrations in three different cities with three uniquely beautiful groups of people</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBkIQYSGuEDNEf4cqiupeNJ4CY42ZX91Ef9JLQob8DEW24Sch4oZppKEwjZcW-c9eQzoZfZMhLRAq9Ve_ir1z8Mxv-yHq7ZIcF0Xw4D0RX8drGnUtJB7-vQIlwcFooIpXmURtErUUV1Cto/s1600/2014+Collage+3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBkIQYSGuEDNEf4cqiupeNJ4CY42ZX91Ef9JLQob8DEW24Sch4oZppKEwjZcW-c9eQzoZfZMhLRAq9Ve_ir1z8Mxv-yHq7ZIcF0Xw4D0RX8drGnUtJB7-vQIlwcFooIpXmURtErUUV1Cto/s1600/2014+Collage+3.jpg" height="132" width="400" /></a></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">10 Random Places I Visited in 2014:</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">1. <a href="https://instagram.com/p/lI4YPRni5z/" target="_blank">Honeymoon Island</a> in Florida, carpeted in white sand and rimmed by frothy aquamarine waves</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">2. The <a href="https://instagram.com/p/ok9NbiHi-t/" target="_blank">shores of Lake Michigan</a> during a chilly sunrise </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">3. A dressing room at a club venue painted neon green and purple with a fish bowl fastened to the wall</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">4. <a href="https://instagram.com/p/ubfBqDnix6/" target="_blank">Michael Tait's house</a> overlooking the smoldering autumn hills of Tennessee</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">5. Little Pella, Iowa, dripping with Dutch immigrant culture and old school American farmers' sensibilities </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">6. Behind the stage at the Grand Ole Opry, weaving around road cases to get to a makeshift press room</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">7. The hiking trails of Garden of the Gods in Colorado late at night, taking pictures of the sky, listening to the locals drum and juggle fire in celebration of the full moon</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">8. A quirky, tiny diner filled with unconventional art, tucked away in a Chattanooga neighborhood</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">9. An <a href="https://instagram.com/p/j4Olonni7V/" target="_blank">arena stage</a> in Louisville, Kentucky, watching the arena fill up with thousands of attendees for a tour headlined by Skillet</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">10. A tiny, ancient graveyard deep in the forests of the Appalachian mountains, left by early settlers to the Gatlinburg area</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The 10 Songs that were the Most Special to Me in 2014:</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">1. "</span><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">My Dear</span><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">" by Matty Mullins</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">2. "</span><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">This Is Your Life</span><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">" by Switchfoot</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">3. "</span><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Room to Breathe</span><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">" by You Me At Six</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">4. "</span><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">This is Gospel</span><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">" by Panic! At The Disco</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">5. "</span><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Hope in Front of Me</span><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">" by Danny Gokey</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">6. "</span><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I'll Be OK</span><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">" by Nothing More</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">7. "</span><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Diamonds" </span><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">by Manafest</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">8. "</span><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>In My Room</b></span><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">" by Thousand Foot Krutch</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">9. "</span><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Unbroken</b></span><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">" by Disciple </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">10. "</span><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>What it Costs</b></span><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">" by Switchfoot</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">10 Miscellaneous Things I Learned in 2014:</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">1. The most significant thing I learned comes from my most significant mistake this year: it never, ever works to make ourselves smaller and dimmer than we are in order to avoid making others uncomfortable. Repressing our own peculiar light may mean we don't hurt anyone's eyes, but it also means we can't light the way for anyone either. We have to somehow be who we are. Even if it means risking others' dislike, discomfort, and disapproval. I have spent way too much time attempting to hide, at great loss to myself and great unfairness to everyone around me.
</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">2. It is more important than I'd ever realized to be honest when we have needs. Saying "I'm fine" when I'm definitely not has deep, relationship-undermining, long term effects. Allowing others to be aware of our needs and giving them the chance to meet them is also a special kind of trust and grace.
</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">3. Success can isolate just as easily as failure. In either case, it is radically important to have people to remind you who you are.
</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">4. Forgiveness without first admitting the depth of our wound is incomplete and cowardly. Forgiveness is not "you didn't do anything wrong." It's "I see and feel to its full extent what you've done, and I love and value you no less." The exact same thing applies to accepting forgiveness from others, myself, and God. Sometimes owning up to my own mistakes and hurtful behaviors is the only way to really grasp the reality that I am loved anyway.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">
5. I have long believed that offering trust before it is earned is a kind of gift we can give, a part of love, and I still believe so. But this has to be tempered with wisdom. Not everyone should be loved by receiving the gift of complete trust; that's not something everyone can, or should, carry. It's not a lack of love to offer trust weighted with wisdom.
</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">6. What I envy and compare myself to most in others' lives is likely what I am idolizing in my own. Comparison is one of the surest roads to self-destruction I have yet found.
</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">7. Our entire lives and philosophies will be shaped by what we give ultimate authority, by what we assign the greatest value. If physical appearance or success or the approval of others is ranked highest, for example, we will reorder everything in our lives to fit that value system– to the point of hurting others and destroying ourselves. In my story, the perpetual journey of my life is to set Jesus Christ in the position of highest value. Nothing else I personally have ever desperately placed there has led me to life.
</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">8. I don't have to categorize my life and then force every action to fall in line with preset labels. I'm not risking losing independent adventurer status by enjoying an afternoon in cooking an epic meal. I'm not betraying my love of edgy indie music by liking a mainstream pop song. The question when evaluating a potential course of action should never be "does this line up with the right labels?" If it's a generally healthy, beneficial thing I should do it because</span><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i> it's good and I like it</i></span><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">, not because I am compelled to do so in order to fit a certain image.
</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">9. It is absolutely, completely impossible for me to make everyone happy, and it wouldn't be the best thing for them even if I could. Sometimes the most helpful thing I can do for a person is to simply allow them to not like me without desperately trying to change their mind (that rings of self-centered control, not love, anyway).
</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">10. I can't hold others responsible to act in accordance with things I've never told them. If I'm unwilling to admit to a particular sensitive area or something bugging me or an ugly moment of my past, I can't blame them for not acting gently in those areas. Honesty is a kind of responsibility.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Bonus number 11: Sometimes I learn the most about relationships when community is hard to come by. Isolation is never intended to be a longterm way of life, but it can certainly be a rather effective spiritual bootcamp when present for a season.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">10 Goals for 2015:</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">1. Set better emotional boundaries; recognize both my limits and my strengths more, and stop hiding from both.</span><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">2. Run a half marathon.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">3. Interview another band in my top 5 all-time favorites (Skillet, Switchfoot, Disciple, Red, Anberlin-- I've got two down, three to go).</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">4. Answer emails faster. Seriously, I make way too many excuses for this, and spend way too much time second guessing my replies. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">5. Read at least 25 books. I have been extremely intellectually lax these past two years, and even be it in the form of fiction, I need to be engaging concepts and ideas more.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">6. Finish at least one major writing project, be it a poem series, a short story/novella, a blog series, a song, etc. This seems like aiming low given how prolific I once was, but I feel like I've run from any personal writing for reasons I can't fully articulate, and I need to revisit it.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">7. Find some place to volunteer consistently. Scattered, noncommittal gifts of time are often half-hearted. I want to find a place to invest myself more fully. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">8. Be more honest, more human, in my writing. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">9. Go to a con. Be it Comic Con or DragonCon, I feel like I'm long overdue to attempt this particular experience. Con-going friends, take note. ;-)</span></div>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">10. Be unapologetic about the things I like and dislike. Which is not to abandon discretion or sensitivity; simply to apologize for being who I actually am less.</span><br />
<div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
Elraenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07034918485021649432noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991895331380725469.post-46573396261089335742014-12-14T13:22:00.000-07:002014-12-14T13:26:38.832-07:00My Materialistic Christmas<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I have a confession to make: this Christmas season, I have been that heinous materialist everyone rails against.
</span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">
It crept in so subtly for me, cloaked as caring, that I didn't notice it until I'd had several meltdowns over gifts. I'm not good at giving gifts. It's not that I'm awful at it; I like to think the presents I give usually fall somewhere within the realm of what is desired by the recipient. But I know people who seem to have a natural, beautiful, warm-hearted grace in the way they choose things out and give them to others, free from self-centered anxiety, beaming with joy. Unfortunately, I am not that way. I overthink every selection to death, cry over the fact that our already strained budget can't afford more than what feels like shabby knickknacks, and think through all the potential ways the person in question will hate me once they receive my utter failure of a present.
</span><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">
I wish I was exaggerating, but I'm not. One night a couple weeks ago I was lying in bed staring into the darkness, fighting back tears, and Jordan asked what was wrong. I gave an answer to the effect of "everything I've bought for people is crap and meaningless and won't impact or affect them at all, and in a year they won't even remember it and </span><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: italic; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">no one will know that I love them</span><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">."
</span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">
Of course it was absurd, and he gently told me so. But it was a while after that conversation that I had the realization with which I opened this post: I am a materialist.
</span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQs4NkfMjL62JNMkbevs0FGDgJPjtCebGvPTaz5FnDBGmbybmLDdmIiWQ9RnkI6swgTMzQu8vFewGKQQS3YNpOX2AHsK6b529geX9nLoYj9qEooxoY7WgolsADGrrIYt8xvnt0hfE6pW1O/s1600/IMG_2641.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQs4NkfMjL62JNMkbevs0FGDgJPjtCebGvPTaz5FnDBGmbybmLDdmIiWQ9RnkI6swgTMzQu8vFewGKQQS3YNpOX2AHsK6b529geX9nLoYj9qEooxoY7WgolsADGrrIYt8xvnt0hfE6pW1O/s1600/IMG_2641.JPG" height="400" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">
I had fallen into the classic trap of making Christmas about "stuff." In a much more subtle way than many others, perhaps, but in a way equally deadly. I was acting as though my merit as a human being, my place in my family's lives, the acceptability of my efforts at caring, all hinged on what I had bought. I was wrapping up my perception of worthiness in fragile colored paper and ribbon.
</span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">
For those of us who follow the church calendar, today is the third Sunday of Advent, the time of anticipation leading up to celebrating the arrival of our incarnate Christ. A friend challenged me at the beginning to be intentional about how I engage this season, to find something specific to do every day to observe it. One of the things that has resulted is a thought that's been eating away at my uptight materialistic mind games.
</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvn4Whsyiob2Glj3ttcgw6osYv-EGPdiJFY0ae-noQxDBhyphenhyphen49Z_RCWzvJQQ2rhNFGe0Pg57W_wwP_ibXvPu-UJu4pufsT65yWuTwnPwx715_27XvuPcaw8QXvaLh4cPSSCRLeQ-jBSuP8N/s1600/IMG_2650.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvn4Whsyiob2Glj3ttcgw6osYv-EGPdiJFY0ae-noQxDBhyphenhyphen49Z_RCWzvJQQ2rhNFGe0Pg57W_wwP_ibXvPu-UJu4pufsT65yWuTwnPwx715_27XvuPcaw8QXvaLh4cPSSCRLeQ-jBSuP8N/s1600/IMG_2650.JPG" height="400" width="300" /></a></div>
<span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">
I grew up in church hearing this concept that we give gifts at Christmas to remember the fact that Jesus was given to us as the greatest gift. As simplistic as it sounds, I think there's truth in the statement-- although perhaps it's been left alone too soon. I feel like Christ-followers often take it at face value, thinking of the act alone: </span><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: italic; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">OK, we are supposed to give things</span><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. And then we dismiss it and move on.
</span><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">
This year I have begun to feel the weighty importance of not just leaving it at the act of giving itself, but rather to look at what </span><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>kind</i></span><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> of gift it was. The Jewish hope for the arrival of their Messiah was that He would bring material prosperity and circumstantial political power. They wanted Him to bring tangible, visible gifts-- that was how they thought He had to love them.
</span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;">
<span style="line-height: 1.15;">But His love was stranger, wilder, harder than that. He didn't show up bringing an army or economic revolution. He brought Himself.
</span></span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="line-height: 1.15;">
In a dark world teeming with unrest and racial hatred and political instability and a lack of medical technology, He presented Himself as the most vulnerable, unimpressive package imaginable: an infant, confined by cloth, helpless in a feeding trough. Not everyone would understand what He was doing, and He knew it (though at moments later in His life we get glimpses of His deep yearning for it to be otherwise). But He came anyway, with nothing but Himself. </span><span style="line-height: 17.25px;">
</span></span><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="line-height: 17.25px;">
</span>That kind of love might not have made the surface level, circumstantial shifts that an oppressed people group hoped for. But it seared the surface of the whole of human history with the peculiar radiance of hope. It marked every dark corner of earthly experience with the achingly brilliant words </span><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: italic; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">God is with us</span><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. The life offered in complete empty-handed vulnerability became the life that would (from a spiritual and arguably historical perspective as well) have the single most impact of any life in human history.
</span><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">
And of course, this is the kind of gift I believe He still gives. My encounters with Him lead me to believe that although we may beg Him for circumstantial reprieves and material successes and even intellectual surety, He doesn't come to us like that. He just comes as Himself. And the promise He gives me, the only one that has ever satisfied me, was never about making these days on the earth's broken skin smoother and softer and shinier. The promise is still </span><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: italic; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">God is with you</span><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. The promise is still </span><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: italic; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">you are not alone</span><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">.
</span><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">
If I am to emulate the Christ this Christmas, to echo this Jewish rabbi who rocked history with His counter-cultural vulnerability, then when I go see my family or engage with my friends I don't </span><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>need</i></span><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> to bring presents. I will, but they're more side effects of an event rather than the event itself (just as there may be moments of circumstantial comfort as a result of Christ's coming into our lives, but that is certainly not the point or even the norm).
</span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;">
<span style="line-height: 1.15;">I just need to bring myself. Vulnerable, messed up, a little too loud about coffee and rock and roll, a little too quiet about everything else, self-absorbed, incomplete, but completely dead-on in love with every single person I see.</span><span style="line-height: 17.25px;">
</span></span><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="line-height: 17.25px;">
</span>And I won't do it perfectly and not everyone will get it and maybe one or two people </span><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: italic; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">will</span><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> be disappointed in my lame gift giving skills. But I'm more OK with that when I know it was never about that anyway. It's the cheesy truth of "presence vs. presents," the fact that I could never manufacture anyway what it looks like when souls rub shoulders-- though it rub them raw.
</span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;">
<span style="line-height: 1.15;">Somehow, someway, we are enough-- as we are, no strings attached.
</span></span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">
Love and deep peace to you all.
</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbEnb2td0DQYzv289a-a-Wb3rHWGDcKBToM4YA-owvxAXulL2yFIKjJTpFmY-N8ONUkXXPjYLqdV0cRznF_Lontbg2b5sCe2TEG5EZzOj1GwmUoVPJ7fFKcRP_G8Z5uyxh32tqe85MiFgn/s1600/10843908_629796623808996_501408532_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbEnb2td0DQYzv289a-a-Wb3rHWGDcKBToM4YA-owvxAXulL2yFIKjJTpFmY-N8ONUkXXPjYLqdV0cRznF_Lontbg2b5sCe2TEG5EZzOj1GwmUoVPJ7fFKcRP_G8Z5uyxh32tqe85MiFgn/s1600/10843908_629796623808996_501408532_n.jpg" height="400" width="400" /></a></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
Elraenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07034918485021649432noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991895331380725469.post-22898721201445925082014-10-22T21:30:00.001-06:002014-10-22T21:31:01.949-06:00A Long Exhale<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">The trees are thrashing angrily against the sky. I am watching– waiting for them to break down the horizon somehow, for their rage at their dying to finally catalyze change in the Way Things Are.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiE3c5Up6f4yKbXLgnWPBedwSBwrXVxXhAkM3zdBCxPPWtMWYSSmKLyibdMSpoHpNY_b4P2ZPUi934GSpX_oF930ugxIfsb63z8E-Tiei1wgQWz6PuLtHA7Rk_rA94tgFFgZmn4KLR3a8ft/s1600/IMG_1409.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiE3c5Up6f4yKbXLgnWPBedwSBwrXVxXhAkM3zdBCxPPWtMWYSSmKLyibdMSpoHpNY_b4P2ZPUi934GSpX_oF930ugxIfsb63z8E-Tiei1wgQWz6PuLtHA7Rk_rA94tgFFgZmn4KLR3a8ft/s1600/IMG_1409.JPG" height="400" width="300" /></a><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">They've been still for much of the process so far, as pieces of the garments they've known slipped quietly to the floor. It's almost as though they didn't notice they were dying. But the moment has come: they know. And they grieve, as sharp rains lash their newly naked forms, as our backyard river laps sullen and gray at their chilled knees.</span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">They endure this every year, this death of what was to make space for what will be, this slow, solemn exhale. And yet every year it still seems painful for them somehow, to lose so much of their recognizable form, to see their beauty strewn across the ground– to feel exposed.</span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvTR8lkOjJtlYjCHUTyB8moyJYFP7_GGlUNCh2XWsspcUtiv2hkhfQn4Hp9LEDU8vTsAh9CQvbncUPokMeoM93N4muDHwU_XwHb4-O8ytrVefZhBmbokgnitV3yMwDd5VfhHaJ0U8Fmnoi/s1600/IMG_1406.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvTR8lkOjJtlYjCHUTyB8moyJYFP7_GGlUNCh2XWsspcUtiv2hkhfQn4Hp9LEDU8vTsAh9CQvbncUPokMeoM93N4muDHwU_XwHb4-O8ytrVefZhBmbokgnitV3yMwDd5VfhHaJ0U8Fmnoi/s1600/IMG_1406.JPG" height="400" width="300" /></a><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br style="background-color: white;" /></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">I want to tell them I understand. I want to tell them there is a poignant, stark grace in their stripped-away forms, the lines of their empty arms reaching for the sky. I want to remind them that next year's coat is coming, but for now there is no dishonor in bearing frost instead of flowers– both are needed in their time. Yes, I want to stand beside them, feel the chill with them, and tell them all these things I am learning myself.</span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">For after all, so many of us are in these seasons, this stripping away, bent between raging at the sky and somber, accepting stillness. So many of us know what it is to lose what we thought made us noteworthy– and so many of us now stand exposed.</span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">But redemption throbs its pulse beneath every frost. Autumn hearts become winter hearts, all clear lines and the nebulous honesty of potential. And then... and then. New life realized.</span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">I'll stand by my backyard trees and breathe out with them. We will weather this winter together.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3mpBPteKgsdXot1y_Jry-J7nqKyvZzwG5m1pJ_PUpItmlP0hfFTz6u0SixM-AHXRbYbtd4BoIXulKdoTfH2g2kr_sIpQYbKxZQdrxHQcMojB-kkfbtzLhK8ie-3CY9DI5Jkzt06fNL8cL/s1600/FullSizeRender.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3mpBPteKgsdXot1y_Jry-J7nqKyvZzwG5m1pJ_PUpItmlP0hfFTz6u0SixM-AHXRbYbtd4BoIXulKdoTfH2g2kr_sIpQYbKxZQdrxHQcMojB-kkfbtzLhK8ie-3CY9DI5Jkzt06fNL8cL/s1600/FullSizeRender.jpg" height="400" width="300" /></a></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"><br /></span>Elraenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07034918485021649432noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991895331380725469.post-16801364120471416142014-09-15T14:28:00.000-06:002014-09-15T18:31:36.617-06:00Speak<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I have recently started to talk a little bit about the fact that I struggled with a speech handicap as a child.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">It seems like a small thing when I type it that way– matter of fact, black on white. But it wasn't a small thing at the time.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">My best theory has been for a while now that it stemmed from the fact that my family completely uprooted our lives and moved to a third world country when I was just shy of 2 years old, only to do the same thing 18 months later when we returned to the States. When we first got back from mission work, we spent a stretch of time hopping from house to house, staying with whoever had room– an experience that deeply troubled 3-year-old Mary, who was clingy and insecure. I am told children with speech handicaps often are that way because of some massive life upheaval in the years they're developing speech. I figure this qualifies.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">The primary way it manifested was that I couldn't pronounce any "R" sound, and "J" posed significant difficulties. In part because I was aware of the deficiency, I often ended up stuttering or slurring to cover it up. I spoke this way until I was 11 years old.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipZyYPyqhicFqWui7_nXOCwKELtrYMX-FtzpcmbHZ_IKLIjX9kKT_DCos1pHDJeEU8jVkGuLYTYSengywQPHiYJXK3ujs93zz2QOj7__sypaxyvr0avwjhRVR9kEjcR8hYVPYMtO5wBB8J/s1600/scan0010.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipZyYPyqhicFqWui7_nXOCwKELtrYMX-FtzpcmbHZ_IKLIjX9kKT_DCos1pHDJeEU8jVkGuLYTYSengywQPHiYJXK3ujs93zz2QOj7__sypaxyvr0avwjhRVR9kEjcR8hYVPYMtO5wBB8J/s1600/scan0010.jpg" height="400" width="262" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i><span style="font-size: x-small;">Imagine this dorktastic mini-human speaking a high percentage of words totally wrong.</span></i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">11 is old enough to encounter an awful lot of bullying for any child who shows signs of abnormality. I was ridiculed for it so often (by relatives, friends, siblings, even adults on occasion) that I learned very early on not to speak much. I also learned early on the alternative: writing. Every word I was too ashamed to speak got turned around, invested, captured on a page. My expressions were primitive at first, rough, like any child holding a new tool in their hand. But I accelerated, leaning into the words, finding in their potential a way to be weightless. By 11 I was reading Shakespeare and writing my first novel.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">But of course that wasn't usually particularly clear to the outside world, a world where I seemed branded as slow and stupid for the fact that I did not speak in public, or if I did, I could not seem to speak correctly. And it weighed on me tremendously.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">My parents believed for a while that it was a discipline problem, and found various ways to try to motivate or punish me into speaking correctly. After one such night where it was explained to me that I just wasn't trying hard enough, I locked myself in the bathroom for hours. I painstakingly repeated words over and over, trying to make their sounds fall into place, looking in the mirror to try to make my mouth work the way everyone else's did so effortlessly. I fought with my unwieldy tongue until I was hoarse and sobbing, 8 years old and deeply convinced of the truth: I was a failure. I somehow had to try harder.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">When I was 11, my mom found a book that they used in special speech therapy classes. We couldn't afford those kinds of classes, but my mom patiently sat down and started to work through it with me on our own. The book had diagrams, descriptions, and exercises. Somehow it clicked. And after a few days, I was able to say my own name correctly for the first time in my life: Mary Rose. I remember it caught in my throat.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">The first reaction was fear. I had sounded a certain way for as long as I could speak, and now the familiarity afforded by that brokenness was being taken from me (I have always been this way: I would rather the familiar hurt than the unfamiliar hope). But soon the realization of being able to do it right, no longer being an outsider in the realm of speech, overtook that apprehension. Within a few months, most surface level traces of my old habits were gone.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">I've been turning this over and over in my head lately as I've been exploring my desperate need for approval and how to overcome it. In a lot of ways, I am silenced by shame these days as surely as I was 13 years ago.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">When I first learned to talk honestly about my life and my faith, it was new and hard and not always perfect but so beautiful. And then I started to realize I wasn't always doing it right (by the standards of others). I was sometimes too liberal, sometimes too conservative. Sometimes too "Christian," sometimes too irreverent. Sometimes too feminist, sometimes too traditional. Sometimes too intellectual, sometimes too simple. So I stopped speaking what I believe about a lot of things, and then I became afraid to believe those things at all, afraid to call attention to my wrongness. I began to feel any opinion at all was more valid than mine.</span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And it started bleeding into every other area of my life. I have heard people saying that things I have experienced are not valid, that they don't understand them-- so I stopped speaking the truth of those things I have lived, started trying to erase them from my presentation of myself. I have become ashamed of almost every aspect of my story. I am aware that for every moment I have lived, there is someone somewhere with an opinion that would say </span><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-style: italic; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">that's not right</span><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">I am not particularly sure when I started focusing so much on what is approved rather than what is true. But I am extremely tired of it. I am weary of being afraid every waking moment that I'm not meeting someone's standard.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">Throughout my teen years, the old speech habits of my childhood rarely surfaced. I only saw them in college in moments of extreme stress, such as before giving presentations in class. But last year I found something that could wake it: a demanding job in food service and a life mostly devoid of tangible human support.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">On the bad days, there would be a chain of anxiety triggers, small things stacking, until I'd be taking someone's order and feel letters dropping out of my sentences, slurring, stammering, scattering in the noise. I'd fight to hold my pronounciation together. On a few occasions I ended up dashing to the bathroom where I locked myself in a dirty stall and dry heaved until the panic passed and my words arranged themselves again.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">In a way, the upheaval of the last few years has triggered more than just the recurrence of that childhood monster. It's silenced me in those other ways, silenced my story, silenced much of my ability to be honest even with myself.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">I am aware that my honesty would, in many cases, cause discomfort, disagreement, and potential heartache. I am aware that in other cases it could cause healing, a sense of resonance from others who have experienced similar things and do not feel free to express them. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">So these days I am constantly weighing the question: where is it worth it? Where does the potential for healing outweigh the potential for hurt? I don't believe in speaking my mind just for the sake of speaking; that quickly turns into arrogance, or gossip, or group pity parties. But I strongly believe in honesty for the purpose of healing, for having conversations that matter more, for true soul-deep closeness, for shedding light in dark places, for uncovering and recovering truth.</span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">That second kind of honesty is the kind I am trying to uncover again, regardless of whether it would earn approval from the right list of people (whoever that is-- sometimes when I ask myself </span><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-style: italic; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">who are you trying to please</span><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">, I can't even pin down a name). And I am trying to uncover it in a way that provides more healing than damage to others in the process. I would rather (always) be kind than "right," but there has to be a way to do that without feeling the need to evaporate as a kind of self-regulated damage control. I want my silences to become motivated only by gentleness, not by shame that tells me <i>you can't say it right, can't be right– your hardest efforts are not trying hard enough. </i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">I want to leave this world marked more by mercy than when I found it, not embedded with the shrapnel of graceless rants. I don't particularly know the way to get there. But it's going to look like some careful relearning. It's going to look like practice. It's going to look like letting go of the fear that I am not really myself without my shame. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">It's going to look an awful lot like learning to speak.</span></div>
Elraenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07034918485021649432noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991895331380725469.post-35758871593078757912014-08-25T11:37:00.001-06:002014-08-25T11:46:36.556-06:00Colorado 2014: Hearing Echoes<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I was looking out the window at the mountains, seeing their dimensions blur into just another item on the list of things to miss, just another trip relegated to nostalgia.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<b id="docs-internal-guid-c8a39a28-0e36-98ae-2c95-f1a2f888cf1c" style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I stared at the Colorado landscape until it flattened out into the plains, and then I settled back in my seat, jammed my earbuds in tighter, and turned up the volume on my iPod. I closed my eyes and tried to sleep, slowing my breathing to encourage my brain to shut down, to stop moving, to stop thinking, to stop feeling. Three or four songs later, I gave up. I opened the notes app on my iPod to write.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>I feel tremendous, unspeakable grief.</i></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><i><br /></i></b></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>But at least I feel something.</i></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">***</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I’d been in Colorado for two weeks, and it was my third major trip of the summer. My first two-- first to Texas, then to Wisconsin-- had been similarly beautiful, full of the people I am closest to, full of adventures, full of a heart slowly opening under the warmth of beautiful moments and an awareness of God. Both times, I’d returned to Tennessee optimistic, brimming with a sweet, irrational hope. Both times, within a few weeks I simply felt nothing.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">This has become the familiar status quo since moving out here as newlyweds, uncertain and isolated and broke. It feels like last week that we got here-- mostly because so few of the days between have seemed real to me. It’s hard to explain, but it’s like when I got here my ability to emotionally engage anything completely disappeared. It happened so suddenly and completely that it took me six months before I realized how numb I’d become.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">For a while, earlier this year, I worried that I might be headed towards considering suicide again (a pattern that was so built into my existence as a teenager that I am always wary of it resurfacing). It wasn’t until my trip to Texas in May that I realized I didn’t want to end my life: I felt like it was already over, and a part of me was grieving. And it wasn’t until I went to Wisconsin later that I realized there was still the possibility of life, the reality of a different way, and it was going to have to be a spiritual mending, not a change of circumstances.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I don’t want to seem over-dramatic or present an unbalanced picture-- though I am discussing my struggles here, there have been successes as well as struggles. This has been far, </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">far</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> from my worst year. I have, in some ways, been healthier than I’ve ever been this past year, at least in terms of functionality. I am usually intensely self-aware, which is (like most things) both good and bad. But even that self-awareness has been dulled as of late, reduced to simply the thought </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><a href="http://elraen.blogspot.com/2014/04/this-is-your-life.html" target="_blank">I am not who I want to be</a></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Good things happen, and I struggle to be grateful for them, struggle to experience joy. Bad things happen, and even if I repeat them to myself over and over again, I can’t feel the weight of them.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And I’ve woken up in the morning countless times since moving here to find I’d been crying in my sleep, only able to engage when the walls of consciousness were obliterated.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I’ve realized what a large part of it is (although this is only one aspect of it, and it’s much more multi-faceted than this; this is only a blog post, after all). I am absolutely addicted to the approval of others. It wasn’t always this way, since for much of my life I received so few doses of approval an addiction to it couldn’t even form. But these past several years it’s become increasingly worse. And as much as I crave that approval, I am also painfully aware at any given time of how far short of that perception I actually fall-- I am plagued by that common fear </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">if people really knew me, they’d think so much differently</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. This to say that I can’t usually accept the affirmation I’m offered, which makes it a spectacularly unhelpful and unhealthy addiction. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I’ve been completely isolated from the approval of most people for over a year now. Not just isolated from approval, but from their kindness, their interest, their friendship, as well-- simply because I am isolated from most people, as previously discussed many times. I have reached the place now where I have accepted I will very likely never have a community here, and I need to learn how to live with that reality. Which has meant I am left alone to face again a distaste for myself that I can’t even fully put into words. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I hate that I want people to affirm me, </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">still</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">, after all these years (my brain screams </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">this is a middle school flaw everyone else your age is over</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">). I hate that I feel so underqualified for every single aspect of life I’m facing right now. I hate that I can’t get over myself and just be content, that I can be so deeply self-centered despite years of fighting so hard to see, to love other people. And many days, even as I throw myself in frustration against the walls of my metaphorical isolation chamber, I know the vacuum of relationship is to be expected. Why would anyone like me? I don’t like me. I can’t blame anyone else for feeling similarly.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">So I stop feeling. I know I am still deeply in need of internal change because of this: it’s as though without people to remind me who I am, I cease to exist at all.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">***</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I got to Colorado this year feeling, honestly, skeptical. I’ve started to hear this voice in the back of my head, whispering </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">grown ups don’t have meaningful life experiences anymore. You’re married and employed and your name’s on an apartment lease-- it’s all over for you in terms of living vibrantly. You barely have time to talk to these people outside of this yearly meeting anymore. They won’t remember who you are, or you’ll all have changed so much there will be no relationship left.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I was proven wrong in the span of the first hour or two.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Between flipping stations in the car and critiquing the songs on the radio, cramming into a kitchen full of friends, downing multiple cups of coffee, being hugged half a dozen times, and getting into a conversation about theology and contemporary Western culture less than 30 minutes after “hello,” I started to realize that maybe life still happens to me-- in me.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhUu7jEHK63oY5yWrk-YtD1QqcG0biHFHxI5pOnorYIYvC8L294EAwDJ_JvU9PaFvcFj4im7-qdH1RadpP8gCVotzDJ2jmPTgaWmDEaf3lWPq4DiadUDVVezfy2jgz-RqEUU-Rp0QVzxMMW/s1600/IMG_2015.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhUu7jEHK63oY5yWrk-YtD1QqcG0biHFHxI5pOnorYIYvC8L294EAwDJ_JvU9PaFvcFj4im7-qdH1RadpP8gCVotzDJ2jmPTgaWmDEaf3lWPq4DiadUDVVezfy2jgz-RqEUU-Rp0QVzxMMW/s1600/IMG_2015.jpg" height="253" width="400" /></a></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Our group gathering was only three days this year, the shortest it’s ever been. It was rushed and certainly different from when we were all teenagers, but I was reminded over and over again that some things don’t change-- that things I believed to be lost are actually still very real, albeit in different forms. I would stay in Colorado for another week and a half afterwards, watching movies, running on mountain trails, lying under the stars, soaking in conversations about things that matter, trying my hand at honesty. I felt my faith waking up under my skin. It was like I’d been given permission to believe again, permission to meet God’s eyes and accept that maybe He was still steadfastly paying attention to me.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">It wouldn’t be until I was on the plane home that I would understand it: that has ultimately been the question, this whole time since moving here. It was never </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">why am I in a soul-crushing food service job?</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> It was never </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">why did I have to leave behind friends and family I love so deeply? </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">It was never </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">why can’t I make friends-- why can’t I even </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">want</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> to make friends? </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">It was never </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">why am I being placed in a job I am spectacularly undeserving of?</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> I thought those were my questions, the ones that left me numb, but they weren’t. The real question was very simple: </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">does God still like me?</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I’m not going to pretend that two weeks in Colorado fixed that. But it tied some threads of grace to my heart that I pray will become highways for hope before they can be severed. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Because when friends who have known me long and listened to the worst of me told me I am kind, I began to believe I could be again. And when they told me they trust me, I began to feel like perhaps I was worth trusting. And when they told me that the things I think about God resonated with how they think about Him too, I started to feel for the first time in a very long time that I’m not a total failure of a Christian, that maybe grace is still absorbing all my doubts-- that He still thinks I’m worth the risk of Calvary.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">By the end, I was feeling everything again, leaning my forehead against a smudged pane of glass on the airplane, crying in a movie-ready moment of catharsis. And I realized that yes, maybe I would lose the ability to feel. Maybe all my clarity would melt under the harsh pressure of isolation and routine. But it was only maybe-- not an absolute. The same God (who knows the worst and still stays) my friends echoed was in Nashville. That same God was with me on the plane. That first inclination of comfort, of freedom from myself, that I’ve felt in months-- it was from the One who, no matter where I go, I can’t outrun. I will never find a place where His grace is not.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">In the office of a music industry icon who will likely not remember my name.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">On the bedroom carpet when the anxiety comes like a maelstrom again.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">In the silent apartment where I wait for hours for my roommate and my husband to come home.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Navigating the aisles of a chain grocery store where every half-familiar angle makes me homesick for my siblings.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Sidestage for one of my favorite bands.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Trekking across the scorched pavement where I run to subdue the lies I’ve heard.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">He inhabits all the blank spaces left by the goodbyes I’ve said in order to follow Him.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And someday I think I’m going to hear Him say again that I’m forgiven, that I don’t have to hide anymore, that I don’t have to wake up every morning so ashamed of an existence that seems incapable of being what it should be. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: center;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I’m not quite there yet. But as I caught my second flight and ate the gluten free pancake and peanut butter sandwiches and Mickey Mouse fruit snacks a friend had packed for me… I felt a little closer.</span></div>
</div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEieY7Vv6wLm60cu1JUSPxm95ioE5MA9MC8KkDoBx3iMbe-s0pd3Bd7yQGufEhJGpgO0neTicdWCoYtMIDQKaJgnPPiGt1PO-g5TW_m9VGvEBnMKc5KVieG1JvejmfRzCj4jzDB570UuCu0d/s1600/IMG_2299.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium; line-height: normal; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center; white-space: normal;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEieY7Vv6wLm60cu1JUSPxm95ioE5MA9MC8KkDoBx3iMbe-s0pd3Bd7yQGufEhJGpgO0neTicdWCoYtMIDQKaJgnPPiGt1PO-g5TW_m9VGvEBnMKc5KVieG1JvejmfRzCj4jzDB570UuCu0d/s1600/IMG_2299.jpg" height="266" width="400" /></a></span></div>
Elraenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07034918485021649432noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991895331380725469.post-55758607456623788832014-07-02T12:51:00.001-06:002014-07-02T12:51:38.874-06:00A Heart With A Limp<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Sometimes I write about my experiences with depression and anxiety.</span></div>
<b id="docs-internal-guid-c6eecea8-f85e-bb8b-b4aa-5af021374f2f" style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">But too often, like lately, I stay quiet.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I do this in part for valid reasons, but (if I’m painfully honest) primarily from fear. But lately something’s been tugging at the corners of my mind, inviting me to let bits of my story spill over the edges of the rigid regulation of my shiny social media image.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">When my husband and I moved post-wedding, initially all my attention was focused on the tasks at hand: unpacking. Finding a job. Settling in. Getting stabilized financially. Finding a routine. Figuring out how to get to the grocery store without a GPS.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">So it wasn’t until well into our time here that I started recognizing that I really hadn’t set up mental health habits well in this new location.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Over the past seven years, I have set certain routines in place to help with the healing process that I suspect will be ongoing for most of my life. If I keep the process moving, I am higher-functioning than I (or many of the people around me) would ever have dreamed I would be when I was a teenager. But when those habits get disarrayed, or when a trigger disrupts them, I begin to fray around the edges.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">After May being the best month in a very long time, the past few weeks have seen days at a time where things unraveled again. The feelings of waking up with lead instead of lungs, of being suddenly too exhausted to move for no reason at all, of knowing with pain stronger than rationality that nothing will be OK again, of struggling to keep food down or even to breathe because someone used punctuation in a text that your hyper-analyzing, anxiety-fueled brain is sure means they suddenly hate you-- these things elbowed their way into my days again.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">None of this is new, and for the sake of perspective, it’s nowhere near as bad as things I’ve faced before. But if I’m honest, that doesn’t mean it’s not intensely discouraging at moments. I keep refusing to let it win, refusing to let it stop me from being kind, trying to connect to people, exercising, cooking, working, laughing, reading, singing-- breathing. And sometimes my fear of being rejected or written off as an ungrateful complainer means I don’t mention the fight at all, a selfish lack of honesty which I know ultimately does more harm than good to everyone around me. But there are moments where I’m just impossibly </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">tired of this. </span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I repeat my life back to myself like a list to remind myself that this isn’t all there is to me: </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I am named by Grace Himself, not by my actions. I am in love and loved, with a marriage that’s been so smooth it’s almost unnerving. I have a kind, grace-full apartment-mate who miraculously actually chooses to hang out with me. I have some of the most amazing friends in the world, and even if they’re distant most of the time, I get to do things like get on a plane to go see them. I am working my dream job with incredible bosses who I respect and trust, and coworkers who it is a joy to walk with. I have a family who I am fiercely loyal to, and who returns that loyalty to me.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And I’m thankful for all those things. So thankful that sometimes I spontaneously start crying because they are a grace I have not earned and barely dared hope for. I frequently need reminders that all these things are true. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">But one of the most frustrating things about depression and anxiety is that they often refuse to respect reality. I can wake up to face a day full of music and coffee and work that’s really more like play… and still feel like I’m breathing ash, like my life isn’t an event worth getting out of bed for.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">This isn’t going to be a post with a tidy wrap-up message. Although as I write this I’ve had a string of better days, I hold them loosely, knowing I am still vulnerable. I have to give myself permission to admit to my incompleteness.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">But what this experience does keep pushing me back into is this reality that <a href="http://elraen.blogspot.com/2014/04/this-is-your-life.html" target="_blank">I wrote about a couple months ago</a>: there has to be more than circumstantial alignment, than relational ideals, even than wellness, to lend order to this disordered heart. I may not be able to resolve that tension entirely on earth, but navigating it is a huge part of my faith journey. Not because Jesus is a self-help method or a cure-all for the unpleasant (that is a version of “gospel” that I find incredibly hollow and untrue), but because in my personal story, I have rarely been so grateful for the presence of God as I am when Christ comes quietly into my aching and sits beside me. The Heart that weathered Gethsemane whispers simply </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I know</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. </span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Though I will by no means ever give up on getting well, on letting these experiences make me compassionate, on becoming more myself every day, there is a part of me that can be almost grateful for the fact that my heart walks with a perpetual limp. I will never have to look far for reminders that surface level success and circumstantial gifts are transients in my life. I carry in myself the constant reminder that I need a much more permanent kind of hope to move in to stay.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And for those of you who read this from the heart of a similar battle: if you’re breathing today, you are </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>brave</i></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. Don’t give up.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I know one day all of our scars will disappear like the stars at dawn</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">and all of our pain will fade away when morning comes.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And on that day when we look backwards, we will see that everything is changed</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">and all of our trials will be as milestones on the way.</span></div>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">- Thrice</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
Elraenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07034918485021649432noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991895331380725469.post-13388375851066993342014-06-06T21:59:00.000-06:002014-06-07T09:26:24.727-06:00All OK<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">If I could tell the world just one thing</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">It would be that we’re all OK.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">- Jewel</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">When I was 4 years old, my mom, two older siblings, and then-infant brother were in a very serious car wreck.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">When they got home from the hospital after a day where I waited scared with my 2-year-old sister and a babysitter, my mom and my big brother (who had both sustained serious injuries) settled down to rest. The big brother I hero-worshipped my whole childhood was laid out on the couch in the living room, vivid stitches tracing his forehead in long dark lines, still and quiet as I rarely saw him. My mom rested in her bed, her face black and blue, her arm in a cast.</span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">At the time our rapidly growing 7-person family was living crammed into a tiny house little bigger than your average apartment, so there was just one corner to dash around to move from one invalid to the other. With a deep sense of urgency, I dashed back and forth around that corner, breathlessly asking one question over and over: </span><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: italic; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">are you OK?</span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I didn’t understand how to help, but I was incredibly determined to try. I brought my big brother coloring books and crayons, I brought him some favorite toys, I sat at his side and anxiously watched to see if they would make him better. He seemed grateful, and also tried in his own way to reassure me. I watched him try to engage the things I brought him, but really he just needed rest, so eventually I lapsed into silence and stillness, broken occasionally by the same question all over again: </span><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: italic; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">are you OK?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">It’s been just about two years shy of two decades since I was that kid. But the more I come to understand myself and the events that are significant to me, the more I understand that I’ve spent a very large portion of the past eight years of my life doing the exact same thing: running back and forth from one person I love to the next, knowing they’re wounded (everybody is in some way), desperate to help, earnestly asking over and over again if they’re OK.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">The things that have caused me the most grief in my adult life have not been people who wronged me or betrayed me. Those are things I honestly barely remember more than a moment most of the time. Instead, I have felt the most heartache when I see someone suffering and can’t stem the flow of their tears or bind their ruptured heart’s arteries, when I ask if they’re OK and the lump in their throat makes it so tight they can’t even answer, when nothing I bring them seems to help them get well.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">These things haunt me. I want to love people, to be kind, to be a conduit of the compassion I find in Christ. And yet half the time I feel like the 4-year-old dumping coloring books on the lap of her brother with a severe head wound. What can crayons do against wounds such as these?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">When I was a teenager, I had to learn how to be OK with myself not being OK (a lesson I will likely spend a lifetime re-learning). Now I am having to learn how to be OK with the fact that the people I love won’t always be OK right away, and maybe sometimes it’s not my fault-- because honestly it’s not about me at all.</span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">There is a kind of self-absorption to thinking that the only chance for a person’s life to be made whole is for it to be made better by me. I vividly remember a night many years ago now when a friend I’d tried desperately to help was nevertheless in a lonely psychiatric ward under suicide watch, and I felt beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was because I’d failed to love her adequately. One of my dearest friends sat with me late into the night, and at one point she told me very softly </span><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>I don't mean to be harsh, but </i></span><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: italic; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">it’s arrogance to believe you have that much control over someone’s life, that it’s entirely up to you whether they live or die</span><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">I suspect to some people that would in fact sound harsh, but to me it held unbelievable freedom. It gave me freedom to grieve with and for my friend without feeling the burden of belief that her fate hinged on me.</span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">So I’m learning it’s OK to wait with people, to sit in the silence, to get comfortable in the chaos, to cry over the phone with them without needing to offer a </span><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: italic; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">these are five incredibly wise steps towards fixing all this mess</span><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. We’re people in process. We’re not there yet. And that’s a beautiful and hopeful thing in itself, if I allow it to be.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">And sometimes maybe showing up with coloring books isn’t a bad idea-- although now for me instead I usually show up with cups of coffee and rock song suggestions and a few awkward hugs. And something I’ve learned is that even if I express my caring so imperfectly, the fact that I’m trying to express it at all sometimes is what matters.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: italic; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: italic; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">While I wait for the smoke to clear,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: italic; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">you don't even have to speak.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: italic; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">Just sit with me in the ashes here</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: italic; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">and together we can pray for peace.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">- Jason Gray</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
Elraenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07034918485021649432noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991895331380725469.post-25746157985788043392014-06-02T16:53:00.001-06:002014-06-02T16:53:07.133-06:00Moments in the Press Room<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I had a moment last night.</span></div>
<b id="docs-internal-guid-64a2d06a-5ec5-98fc-4de2-76e4975e1b29" style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I’d spent a couple hours standing on a red carpet for a major Christian music industry event, toting a camera, firing questions at some of my heroes. Now I was sitting in a cold, dark, almost eerily quiet press room backstage at one of the most famous venues in the country, alternately watching the feed of the night’s event and photographing nominees and presenters as they took turns on our press stage. Much of the night had already passed, and I’d made a thousand memories I knew would stay with me for a lifetime.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">An unassuming artist took the press room stage, her dark curls comfortably, beautifully disarrayed, wearing boots with her dress in an act of irony similar to my own perpetual converse-with-formal-wear rebellion. I’d met her earlier that night on the red carpet, shook hands, exchanged names, and managed all of the above without anything out of the ordinary occurring. But as she started answering questions, I found myself grateful for a camera to press against my face to hide the reality that I was rapidly blinking back tears.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiia9z96C2h2FPbQe0GmzF0Jbsd20yco0-5M02yu_xQh6xZQNStNjxr1jX0E4-y6bx73oY2Gj3PMxjX9CdQnO5szSz7vW1SxxHgPVlmnQmtqy1hrD4yW1PcZGQpmSIft27-ww-ivfl2fiDf/s1600/IMG_9708.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiia9z96C2h2FPbQe0GmzF0Jbsd20yco0-5M02yu_xQh6xZQNStNjxr1jX0E4-y6bx73oY2Gj3PMxjX9CdQnO5szSz7vW1SxxHgPVlmnQmtqy1hrD4yW1PcZGQpmSIft27-ww-ivfl2fiDf/s1600/IMG_9708.jpg" height="640" width="380" /></a></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">She was answering a question about the stories her songs tell-- stories much darker than most others in her industry, stories most are afraid to tell. She talked about how she was drawn to the dark because unapologetically admitting to it enabled hope to be a more rich reality, the contrast driving truth deeper home. And as she talked about this, suddenly I wasn’t hardcore professional Mary with my stack of all access laminates in a drawer at home and the confidence to stand on the fringes of a stage taking pictures in front of thousands of people. I was 15 year old Mary, sitting in a dark room with one of this artist’s songs on repeat on my cheap MP3 player, rocking back and forth and trying to dive so deep into the music that maybe-- just maybe-- for two seconds the pain would stop.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I still get moments like this often. I’d had one earlier that night when in the midst of a totally professional conversation with Scott Stapp, he spoke his story and unknowingly echoed my own, and for a split second I remembered being a teenager hanging on every word of Creed’s “One Last Breath.” I had another one a few days earlier when Jon Foreman sang again the dare that’s chased me for the past seven years: </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">move. I dare you</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. And I had it a few months ago when I stood sidestage during a Skillet performance and cried yet again through the song that started this entire wild music ride for me.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And these moments aren’t instances of self-pity or sorrow for the past and the person I was. They’re moments simply where the brilliance of truth stabs at my chest with sudden piercing clarity, where I remember who I am, where I came from, and why I’m doing what I do.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">My involvement with the music scene has been kind of like the most drama-filled highschool dating episode imaginable, but as I’m settling into a new role and a time where (ostensibly) there is a calm in the emotional storm, one of the things I swear to myself is that I won’t forget what started it all or what’s kept me here even when I felt frustrated or like I’d defined the call on my life entirely wrong. </span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Because I’m not on the red carpets or stages or press rooms or mics for myself or for anyone’s approval. I’m there because music has so often been the only thing that brought me outside of myself, that admitted to where I was while whispering that maybe-- just maybe-- there was something better to come. And I’m there because I would wear myself out on a million weekends like this last one to help connect other people to that same experience. </span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I am of the philosophy that music isn’t always supposed to throw answers at you, but it sure helps an awful lot with wrestling through the questions, with keeping your heart beating long enough so you can reach those answers.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">So no matter where I go in this field, I hope I never stop having those tear-stained moments where I’m 15 again. I hope I never stop singing the songs that meet me in my questions, in my journey towards truth-- towards Christ. And I hope I never, ever forget that I’m doing this because of the millions of other people whose lives would change if they had those moments too.</span></div>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Soli Deo gloria.</span></div>
Elraenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07034918485021649432noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991895331380725469.post-70110157816640881962014-05-19T20:23:00.000-06:002014-05-19T20:23:27.071-06:00For 16<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUq5KCg8jhqbhHAVn7PYrZDu43YTyKBv3ytQVdRr3IBuo7VHWtwK5imdkdLEWPO54-B6yXtv4i_ofsaOu7EdIYNsfZWWlM1I5HFSLbXpS1sBXoWm7P77dPSUkTTe9oE92RzuJiHnYrWRIX/s1600/Elraen+Angsty.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUq5KCg8jhqbhHAVn7PYrZDu43YTyKBv3ytQVdRr3IBuo7VHWtwK5imdkdLEWPO54-B6yXtv4i_ofsaOu7EdIYNsfZWWlM1I5HFSLbXpS1sBXoWm7P77dPSUkTTe9oE92RzuJiHnYrWRIX/s1600/Elraen+Angsty.jpg" height="240" width="320" /></a></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Dear 16,</span></div>
<b id="docs-internal-guid-7e6630c5-175b-3e02-6250-b37a2bf2a387" style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I have a confession to make. Or perhaps we should call it an apology, cutting through the crap of my careful wordplays, my gentle phrasing to lighten the load of reality.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I’ve blamed you for a lot of things in the past few years. I’ve ridiculed your clothing, your choices in music, your social habits (or lack thereof), your seemingly constant sadness. And I know why I do it: I’m treating you exactly as it so often felt like everyone else did. The only terms I ever learned from others in which to capture you are phrases carefully carved to let you know just how ashamed of yourself you should be.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I make jokes about the “emo phase” you’re in, and in doing so align myself with those words that you hate so much, those words that still demand I treat you as insignificant: </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">it’s just a phase</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">.</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> You’ll be OK</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. But you know a very different story, 16. And I’m sorry for looking backwards with the same kind of contempt that once crushed you.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And I’m sorry for offering disgust or dismissal over the simplicity of your outlook on the world, the questions you’re afraid to ask yet, and the ones you are asking. You’re not failing to grasp things, missing anything major-- you’re just a few steps into the process of finding your faith, a faith that will become the multi-faceted, strange, sometimes fluid and less than certain, but most crucial foundational reality of who you’ll become. </span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">You’ve been handed some hard, hard battles, and the fact that you haven’t quite figured out how to win them yet doesn’t detract from the incredible courage you have when you roll out of bed after another near-sleepless night and choose to send your fragile breath against the relentless march of another morning. You’re not being irrational or overreacting or just being angsty. The early stages of recovery is the hardest thing most people will ever do, and you’re doing it almost entirely alone, sent with just songs as stairsteps towards the starlight you can hardly believe still exists behind these rolling storm clouds. It may be that you are stronger than I am now.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">So I’m hoping you and I can reconcile, make amends, agree to belong to each other again. The truth is, these things I’ve said about you so often-- the way I joke about you around others, the way I put you down-- is just another way for me to divert the distaste I still sometimes feel for myself into a more socially acceptable channel. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Because if I’m honest, some days on the inside I am still you-- 16 and scared, facing odds I’m afraid will make victory impossible, buried under a mountain of shame, trying to figure out how to believe I could be forgiven. Trying to figure out how to forgive myself.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">But I'm writing this because that is a process I'm not giving up on-- I still haven't given up on what you could become, I haven't given up on you. Because though you don’t know it yet, and some days I still don’t know that I know it… you’re worth it.</span></div>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">- Elraen</span></div>
Elraenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07034918485021649432noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991895331380725469.post-91895707374365880082014-04-29T17:55:00.002-06:002014-04-29T17:55:57.263-06:00This Is Your Life<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I was a foot or two back from the barrier, there in the press of people eager to be nearest to the stage, leaning in as if to be the most thoroughly drenched in the songs pouring from the stage. I have seen Switchfoot more than I’ve seen most bands, and usually it feels new every time, but that night I was so busy feeling old that its newness couldn’t seem to break the exterior of me, to draw me in again. So it was an old song that finally got beneath my skin with a question I’ve heard Jon Foreman sing so many times:</span></div>
<b id="docs-internal-guid-f16897f5-afe7-3ecd-b04d-ebf8aa621f85" style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">This is your life. Is it everything you dreamed that it would be when the world was younger and you had everything to lose?</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The lyric lodged like a bullet in my ribcage. As I’d stood in line that night, without anyone I knew, surrounded by groups of college kids who felt like ghosts of my past life, I’d been keenly aware of the feeling that the best of my life was over, my young years (such as they were) are gone, and the worst of it is that when I was still so rich with possibility and relationships and a painful, breaking, but loudly beating heart, I had no idea how much I had to lose.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I was also curiously aware, as I have been often lately, that I feel deeply guilty for these emotions. I don’t look back at my own stories objectively often, but when I do, I understand why sometimes people are amazed when I express that I might be struggling. I graduated from an academically exceptional college with highest honors and zero debt, I spent a year living the kind of vagabond, on-the-move lifestyle people make movies about, I’m married to the boy I’ve been in love with since I was 15, I work in the music industry and routinely hang out with rockstars, I’ve recently lost over 75 pounds and am in the best shape of my life. But it’s taken living these things and seeing so many of my old dreams become reality to realize that </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">none of them satisfy me.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Of course this is in part because for every item I listed, there is an incredible story of struggle, sacrifice, loss, and often tremendous grief behind it that has taken years to turn towards where it is now, as is true of most people. This is not to say that I am deserving in the least of the gifts I live, but to clarify that I am not, by any means, unscathed or unscarred. But all that aside, the reality is simply that I am discovering more and more that even under the most ideal conditions on earth, the perfect combination of circumstances could not make my soul whole.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Since I moved to Nashville, I’ve been borderline blinded to all my other blessings by one simple reality: I am bone-breakingly lonely, so lonely I’ve often lost sense of self, lost the context of my life with the lack of other lives to be tethered to. And a lot of my prayers have been God speaking some truth to me about who He’s made me, how He’s purposed my life, and me simply screaming like an unruly toddler “</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">but God, I’m so lonely</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">.”</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I don’t want to in any way reduce the reality that I need people, that you need people, that </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">we need each other</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> because we’re human and we’re built that way. But after being given so many breathtaking gifts, many of them things I didn’t dare ask for and know I don’t deserve, and seeing how my heart is still hungry, this much I am beginning to understand: if I were surrounded by the most supportive community in the world right now, I still would not be fully satisfied. There are different kinds of aches that would come with community, and I know that deep. There is the ache of grieving with those who grieve, of recognizing that our love will not always be received or reciprocated, of changes in relationships.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Forgive the repetitive disclaimers (they are perhaps a symptom of my rather cowardly desire to be liked, to be understood-- the truth is that I’ll never be able to cover all of the bases of human experience in a facebook or blog post), but I have to state again that this doesn’t mean relationships aren’t worth it. They are. But they’re not going to sew up the tears in my soul.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">My faith tradition does a very good job of naming this longing, of letting it be known, of admitting that we’ll never really be completely comfortable as immortals bound to a mortal earth. A lot of weird beliefs come from that, but no matter where you stand on the theological playing field, this truth is universal: the skin and bones of this world will never be enough to satisfy our souls. Maybe temporarily, maybe for as long as we can medicate away our growing sense of unease, but not ultimately. I hear this same sense echoed by friends from other faith or non-religious backgrounds as well, this seemingly universal longing for something bigger than ourselves.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Switchfoot’s songs finally named this truth in me again, resonated with the ache that’s been tearing at my insides for months now. Because the truth is that I am not who I want to be, and I feel so far from whole and from home. But even as the songs voiced this internal confession, they pointed to the things that are eternal, the things that make living even in this shadowland beautiful. Even if the skin and the bones of this world feel empty to me, the Jesus I follow talked about a Kingdom of Heaven that can fill them out and eventually become the truest world-- a Kingdom instituted through His love, immortalized in our breathing hearts.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I’ve been leaning on shadows for a long while now, because it feels so much easier to me than facing the blinding light of the Grace head on and dealing with the questions it raises. I don’t entirely know how to change this. </span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">But I know that it means looking ahead at what will be instead of looking back and regretting that I’ll never get back what was. Nothing I’ve encountered in this world can meet the neediness of my soul. But every spark of hope I’ve ever had in my life stems from beyond this world, from the person, the mystery, the incarnate life, that is Jesus Christ. And so for me, knowing rest is going to come not from circumstances, but from knowing Him-- and figuring out again what that looks like for this stretch of life, in the highs and the lows.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Until I die I’ll sing these songs on the shores of Babylon</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">still looking for a home in a world where I belong. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8hvF5k5d_HqX77f-roxh9YfPak75j7yWbqegI8bBItuqMp9QxiXiPQFBH7Ag2izj2tQuAGFrKkZtbj4l9bVKALy6R0Pxo8hkjPMZa80qsY9tCa7G_m1CuOc0lkQRHyh1uEOjCAm-vx-D6/s1600/IMG_6835.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8hvF5k5d_HqX77f-roxh9YfPak75j7yWbqegI8bBItuqMp9QxiXiPQFBH7Ag2izj2tQuAGFrKkZtbj4l9bVKALy6R0Pxo8hkjPMZa80qsY9tCa7G_m1CuOc0lkQRHyh1uEOjCAm-vx-D6/s1600/IMG_6835.jpg" height="400" width="256" /></a></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
Elraenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07034918485021649432noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991895331380725469.post-37451391839947857762014-04-21T19:58:00.004-06:002014-04-21T19:58:54.723-06:00A Poem: Roulette<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #232227; font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;">She looks at the future like</span><br style="color: #232227; font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;" /><span style="color: #232227; font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;">she once looked at monsters in the closet, like</span><br style="color: #232227; font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;" /><span style="color: #232227; font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;">to not see is so much worse than</span><br style="color: #232227; font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;" /><span style="color: #232227; font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;">a calamity she could name.</span><br style="color: #232227; font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;" /><br style="color: #232227; font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;" /><span style="color: #232227; font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;">Adrenaline drugged,</span><br style="color: #232227; font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;" /><span style="color: #232227; font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;">strung out on apprehension,</span><br style="color: #232227; font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;" /><span style="color: #232227; font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;">she plays calendar pages</span><br style="color: #232227; font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;" /><span style="color: #232227; font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;">like Russian roulette--</span><br style="color: #232227; font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;" /><span style="color: #232227; font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;">teeth clenched against a bullet</span><br style="color: #232227; font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;" /><span style="color: #232227; font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;">she feels must come.</span><br style="color: #232227; font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;" /><br style="color: #232227; font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;" /><span style="color: #232227; font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;">But if who she is</span><br style="color: #232227; font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;" /><span style="color: #232227; font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;">could talk to who she was</span><br style="color: #232227; font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;" /><span style="color: #232227; font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;">with the wisdom gifted by</span><br style="color: #232227; font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;" /><span style="color: #232227; font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;">so many bullets missed or</span><br style="color: #232227; font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;" /><span style="color: #232227; font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;">monsters survived, </span><br style="color: #232227; font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;" /><span style="color: #232227; font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;">she could tell herself with</span><br style="color: #232227; font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;" /><span style="color: #232227; font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;">that monster-slaying smile</span><br style="color: #232227; font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;" /><span style="color: #232227; font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;">that the future can be</span><br style="color: #232227; font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;" /><span style="color: #232227; font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;">conquered.</span></span>Elraenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07034918485021649432noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991895331380725469.post-65953798888659679482014-04-13T11:33:00.000-06:002014-04-13T11:33:15.150-06:00A Poem: Restless Peace<span style="font-family: Verdana, Tahoma;"><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;">[title in flux]</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><i style="font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;"><br /></i></span>
<span style="background-color: white;"><i style="font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;">"We wept, we fled in terror, the iron entered into our souls-- and you are the peace of God! Oh, I can forgive God His anger, though it destroyed nations; but I cannot forgive Him His peace."</i><br style="font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;">- G.K. Chesterton, The Man Who Was Thursday</span><br style="font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;" /><br style="font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;">If you would just give me</span><br style="font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;">some hard-hearted mandate</span><br style="font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;">and watch with blank idol’s eyes</span><br style="font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;">as I wrestled your mercilessness</span><br style="font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;">to its inevitable silent conclusion--</span><br style="font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;">then,</span><br style="font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;">and only then,</span><br style="font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;">could I understand you,</span><br style="font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;">for you would look so much</span><br style="font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;">like me.</span><br style="font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;" /><br style="font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;">Oh, the violence of your justice</span><br style="font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;">met my stomach so much sweeter</span><br style="font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;">than this bitter-gilded grace</span><br style="font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;">that burns away my old skin</span><br style="font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;">as it boils down my throat.</span><br style="font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;" /><br style="font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;">And yet</span><br style="font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;">my deepest gratitude comes when</span><br style="font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;">you are unswayed</span><br style="font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;">by my righteous </span><br style="font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;">indignant</span><br style="font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;">ravings,</span><br style="font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;">your quiet like a healer’s compress</span><br style="font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;">held against my soul’s delirium.</span><br style="font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;" /><br style="font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;">I have known</span><br style="font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;">you in your command.</span><br style="font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;">May I learn to drink deep</span><br style="font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana, Tahoma; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;">of Your peace.</span></span>Elraenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07034918485021649432noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991895331380725469.post-30141962924788884062014-03-29T18:40:00.000-06:002014-03-29T18:48:57.354-06:00Swallowing Sand<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRqOgnGc69AE-4u2ik8Eo4WS8xfN9pL-jYLeswBpPzwPctL5M6o95-LFWrSLGauEkZAOCxSZ5aE9wkZxEwqX19F3ZVoegGMKBuz6pHABSsttAQkIHerSE3DOKn_7kpobK8zJgfIi3lrWrG/s1600/IMG_6617.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRqOgnGc69AE-4u2ik8Eo4WS8xfN9pL-jYLeswBpPzwPctL5M6o95-LFWrSLGauEkZAOCxSZ5aE9wkZxEwqX19F3ZVoegGMKBuz6pHABSsttAQkIHerSE3DOKn_7kpobK8zJgfIi3lrWrG/s1600/IMG_6617.jpg" height="266" width="400" /></a></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">
Something I have learned about any sickness of the soul is that simply combating the negative behaviors symptomatic of the illness is very rarely effective.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">Part of healing is in not just cutting ourselves off from the unhealthy patterns, but replacing them with healthy ones. When I am physically sick, I don’t just set my willpower to struggle against the urge to cough, my stubbornness against the burn in my throat. I take vitamins. I drink tea (usually with a few drops of honey and lemon juice). I rest. And I get well.</span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Similarly, in healing from an eating disorder that nearly destroyed me, I was never able to get well by forcing myself to stop purging or restricting or binging, or even by trying to choke out the negative emotional patterns that caused those habits. What finally proved helpful is not to </span><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: italic; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">not</span><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> do things, but to choose to do other things instead-- eating well, staying active, purposefully engaging emotions and realities that bear so much more truth. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">This may be overly cerebral, so perhaps it is best said the way I summed it up in my year end blog post in December: overcoming dark in my life is much less about constantly trying to starve the negative and much more about conscientiously, intentionally feeding joy, hope, and light.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">I’ve been feeling dried up and sickly for a while now.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">My soul has turned inward under the heat of the elements, shriveling in the face of relentless pressure from a job and a loneliness that feel much like a wasteland to me. I try to fight the negativity, the discouragement, the fears. But I find myself seemingly hopelessly crushed under the thumb of circumstances and my own relentless thoughts.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">Recently my church’s pastor said some things in a sermon that have been turning over and over in my head and heart. He talked about thirst-- a feeling my soul seems to know well lately, this desert dryness. And then he talked about how often we seem to try quenching our thirst by drinking sand instead of water.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">No matter how much sand you drink, you’ll still be thirsty. Chances are it’s going to make you more thirsty instead of less, in fact. In the desert water’s going to be harder to come by, but it’s the only thing that’s going to satisfy the burning in the back of your throat.</span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And I’ve found myself asking </span><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: italic; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">what am I drinking?</span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">When I feel dried out, numb, I have a few familiar medications I turn to and drink deep: my tendency towards self-loathing sadness, my cynicism, feeding the lying standards society calls "success," my desperate, consuming ache for people to like me. None of them bring me any kind of relief. I know that intellectually, and yet I greedily drain their cups every single time. They’re easy to get-- I’ve had so much practice. Years ago I wrote it as a song: </span><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: italic; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">so I’ll drink deep that familiar cup, embrace its bitter name. It’s a million miles from good for me, but at least I know its safe.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">And so my goal has become, particularly during these weeks leading towards Easter (such a steady reminder to me of the resurrection God brings all over again every time our hearts fall into silent darkness), to drink the right things again. To remember resurrection. To remember all the things in my life that have turned towards redemption, that are turning to redemption now. To recognize that change-- beautiful, breathtaking change-- is resting just over the horizon of my heart right now.</span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And maybe most importantly of all, to remember that even if I can’t get this right the first time, even if I keep trying to swallow sand a million times over and healing looks like a collection of so many years of moments instead of just one, Grace still wipes the grit off my lips and whispers </span><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: italic; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">it’s going to be OK. Come and live.</span></div>
Elraenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07034918485021649432noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991895331380725469.post-12514519618926762012014-03-08T19:58:00.002-07:002014-03-08T19:58:51.874-07:00And Run<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I stood beside the gray-green edge of Old Tampa Bay.</span></div>
<b id="docs-internal-guid-68a670d3-a4bd-e52f-d794-a4eee39bb173" style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The waves lapped quietly, almost respectfully, against the soles of my favorite pair of Converse Chuck Taylors. My white cloak floated gently on the cool March breeze. I took in the scene with the default delegated eyes for my heart: a camera lens. The steady </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">click</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">, </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">click</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> of the snapping shutter served as a metronome for the rhythm of my thoughts.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I hadn’t caught even the ocean’s reflection in nearly five years, since I encountered the Pacific for the first time during an unforgettable trip to California. I wrote <a href="http://elraen.blogspot.com/2009/11/breaking-waves.html">a blog post about that experience</a> that, in many ways, captured an era of my life, my thought patterns, and my faith. As I looked out over the bay a few days ago, I was sharply aware of the contrasts.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">At 18 and scared I tackled the waves head on, fighting them, raging, drinking their salt tears-- to end by dancing with them. In present day, I told myself that had the weather been warmer and circumstances different, I may have tried something similar. But the reality is that my lifestyle now automatically shaped circumstances to make that a very unlikely eventuality. I realized with a sense of wry self-awareness that not only was I not bothering to enter the waves anymore-- I don’t even own a bathing suit. I threw the last one I owned away years ago now.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I don’t want to paint an idyllic portrait of the naive bravery of youth, because honestly my friends, my adolescence was nothing like that. It was a series of shadows and near misses and I am fully serious when I admit that I barely made it out alive. But in the early days of my faith, I hadn’t yet grown to understand the potential both for beauty and pain locked inside the beating, breathing human chest. Even as I took on my own demons and those I saw in others, I had no idea of how far I could potentially fall-- or climb.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">A few years back I hit a wall of <a href="http://elraen.blogspot.com/2011/02/answered.html">deep doubt</a>, a kind of <a href="http://elraen.blogspot.com/2011/04/cure-for-pain.html">crisis point</a> in which everything I thought I believed was stripped away. I wrote as an 18 year old kid of God as the rock solid ground beneath the breaking waves, a foundation that wouldn’t just fall away. But there was a season of my life when I felt like that was exactly what happened-- the earth fell out from under my feet. </span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Ever since <a href="http://elraen.blogspot.com/2013/02/closed-doors-empty-hallways-and-god.html">my venture to Colorado</a> post-college graduation, the story has been one of slowly seeing harmonies added back to the song of my heart. Restoration is the word one of my dearest friends spoke over it from the first, and it may be the most true word. What was restored is not exactly what was there before though. It’s a faith more vulnerable, less sure of details but more real, a heart more trembling, more humble, a love less like a golden idol and more like holding a hand in the dark.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">But part of the fallout is that I fear facing tumult like I have never feared it before. I fear risk, I fear being swept high, I fear falling. So I wrap myself in the defense mechanism of "alright." I walk on the shoreline of my life, watching without engaging, remembering the days when I dove in headfirst and chasing the mementos from bygone moments (the songs, the tastes, the places) with the hope that I can still catch an echo of what it was to feel so strongly.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">After getting married and moving into our first apartment, I thought for a long time that I hated domesticity and the kind of adult stereotype the settled season would bring. I also told myself it was what I had to be good at now since it was all I’d ever get to do again, and I quickly found it having a peculiar numbing effect on my heart. </span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I’ve realized now it was never domesticity or adulthood I hated. It was living in a place where I had reduced my identity to checklist form. It was this terrible coping mechanism I’d created: for fear of facing all the things that matter so much, I’d submerged myself in a state of being where nothing mattered at all.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I stood on that shoreline with a lot of thoughts prickling underneath my skin. I have some new possibilities on the horizon for this year that are both exciting and terrifying, and I’m not entirely sure how to hold fast and navigate through it all yet. But as I remembered who I was and considered who I am, one thing I knew for sure: I don’t want to stand confined to my self-inflicted shorelines anymore.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">My husband and I piled our cloaks, my camera, and our shoes on a bench. We walked down to the water. And somehow, for no reason at all, I ran.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I ran partway into the waves and then ran with them, bare feet against syrupy sand, saltwater soaking me to my waist. The wind carried its sharp taste across my tongue when I opened my mouth to laugh, tugged at my arms, filled my pulsing lungs. My husband had caught up to me, was running with me along the water as waves broke across my knees.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I still believe all the things I wrote in that post so long ago. As I learned then, you can’t always face these things with brute force, viewing the waves of this life as simply something to be conquered by the right formula, to be owned by your superior life skills. Even doubt itself can’t be conquered that way. But if the person I was five years ago needed to learn to dance, the place my faith is in now lends wings to my ankles and whispers </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">run</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. </span></div>
<br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I don’t really know what life’s going to look like in six months. I can’t calculate all the variables, the risk, before engaging it-- and I’m done trying. It doesn’t really matter anymore if I have the appropriate attire for the water or not. Maybe it never mattered to begin with. I’m going to face these oceans knowing that God is not just known as the earth, but also the wind-- the keen, intangible taste of Otherness that pulls at me, leaves me aching for the other side. And I’m going to brush off these scars from all the times I’ve fallen before and run.
</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvyJzevNsZYqDwDL-bsOVa7RuawqjqqHEB02PM0fjOSFSGav_SNEhRW56hrJ-iQfJnl2OoDn7zLKUI-2DZnxaCJk6aNFe3pDWVfUwZmV9GSYssLDKi678bTo5cnynTJamZrXAk2ZNICyIz/s1600/IMG_6492.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvyJzevNsZYqDwDL-bsOVa7RuawqjqqHEB02PM0fjOSFSGav_SNEhRW56hrJ-iQfJnl2OoDn7zLKUI-2DZnxaCJk6aNFe3pDWVfUwZmV9GSYssLDKi678bTo5cnynTJamZrXAk2ZNICyIz/s1600/IMG_6492.jpg" height="400" width="266" /></a></div>
Elraenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07034918485021649432noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991895331380725469.post-74844515634722309222014-03-04T18:27:00.001-07:002014-03-04T18:27:16.671-07:00For The Ones in the Hard Jobs<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">This is a note for my friends in the hard jobs.</span></div>
<b id="docs-internal-guid-6e9658c3-8fd8-6e76-fd6e-4d39cd53f8d4" style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Those of you who serve food to impatient customers who have no idea that you couldn't even afford to buy that same food yourself without risking having your lights turned off in your too small, barely safe apartment.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Those of you who chose to step into the schools to try to change the lives of love-needy kids and now find yourself controlled and silenced by a system that seems to make impossible anything that looks like creativity or love.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Those of you who are told by a manager or a colleague that you're stupid or not enough just because someone once said the same thing to them, and they've been handed the power to use you as their route to run from their own shame.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">This is for you– and maybe for me.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">You are not named by where you work. No matter how many hours a week they ask of you, there is more to you than where you spend a certain percentage of your time in order to garner a paycheck.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And you are not the sum total of how well you fit the societal norm of "successful." Our particular version of career success is new and particular to our culture and</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> it will not last</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. You will. You are an immortal soul, burning brighter than the elusive top of any corporate ladder ever could.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And you are not worthless just because the decision has been made that your labor is only worth as much as minimum wage. You often do things harder than anything the airbrushed elite face: you get out of bed early, stay out late, go without meals even when you ache from hunger and exhaustion, and still have to smile at all those who turn their (often unseeing) faces towards your service.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">You are so much braver than they give you credit for.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And you are changing lives. The currency of compassion is rarely – maybe never – quantifiable results. The time you exchanged kindness for a customer or coworker's cruelty and they still curled their heart inward in spite? That may have embedded itself where you can't see, will never see, but that doesn't erase the fact that it's there. And I can hear the cynics answer "but maybe it didn't make it anywhere past their skin–" but maybe things like compassion and grace have so much inherent value that even their lack of response to it can't detract from its beauty.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Just in case you wondered, you don’t have to stay there forever either. If your heart keenly aches for a different channel for your time and your elusive energy, you will find it. People have a lot of jobs over the course of their lifetime. Not all of them suck, but even the ones that do usually lend experience to undergird the ones that don’t.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Maybe most of all, to you-- the soul-weary, the desperate, the trampled on, the invisible, the frightened-- I’d say the same thing I wake every morning trying to tattoo on my own heart:</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">you are not what you do.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">You are so much more than that.</span></div>
<br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">May we walk in that grace, my friends.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUd2cmay8dZdKJ42CD0ahWMRmvJTfkIctWqik-Leg_ovaoMyYsifg_SbeIlUkSZ_i8iLQY1cTDD7-groXQgZVJs7k_IlGCN2C3oM6f-8Ncv9g3ibnYc-xsWAIZINszYiZdaEDJoJOPFRPd/s1600/IMG_20140210_171346.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUd2cmay8dZdKJ42CD0ahWMRmvJTfkIctWqik-Leg_ovaoMyYsifg_SbeIlUkSZ_i8iLQY1cTDD7-groXQgZVJs7k_IlGCN2C3oM6f-8Ncv9g3ibnYc-xsWAIZINszYiZdaEDJoJOPFRPd/s1600/IMG_20140210_171346.jpg" height="400" width="327" /></a></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
Elraenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07034918485021649432noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991895331380725469.post-67750035537629809262014-02-07T09:31:00.000-07:002014-02-07T09:45:25.563-07:00The Art of Isolation<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Loneliness is a friend of mine.</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">- </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Rebuild</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">, Relient K + Jon Foreman</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<b id="docs-internal-guid-56dccef9-0d2a-cd7b-2f7e-5fb917795d0d" style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I’ve chosen to be isolated in a lot of seasons of my life.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Because of wounds both imagined and very real, because of arrogance and because of fear, because of restlessness and because of weariness, I have frequently spent years of my life in loneliness either self-imposed or circumstance-demanded.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Towards the very end of my time in college living with my parents in Texas, I felt I had finally to a large extent worked past that particular plague, written it off to my teen years and left it behind. I had grown comfortable with my familiar job of four years, the characters that occupied every day’s story at school, the boisterous chaos of rich joy and deep heartache that characterized my family’s home. I didn’t have a lot of friends, but I had a few close friends who had stuck out a lot of life with me and were (and still are) loyal to a degree that blows my mind.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">When I moved to Colorado, I encountered loneliness again, but it was assuaged somewhat by having so many longtime friends in town. I lived with a very dear friend and her husband and two kids, and though there were often long hours alone during the day, they were always countered by the noise of the family arriving home-- the boy eagerly asking me to play LEGOs, the girl conspiratorially sharing secrets about school. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Nashville, however, has become marked by a keen blade of loneliness unlike anything I’ve encountered before. I have a few very dear friends who keep up with my day-to-day from a distance, and I am grateful beyond words for that, but many miles separate us from that face-to-face familiarity the human soul was made to crave. I realize now a lot of my past foolishness-- so many times when I was lonely before, although I felt so isolated, I had people I could have called to come get coffee with me. I had siblings who would (and often did) willingly ditch homework at midnight to go get Dr. Pepper from the Sonic down the road. These are options I no longer have.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I heard it suggested frequently when I was younger that once you’re married you are never really lonely anymore, and if you are, you’re clearly an ingrate. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I would rather like to kick that concept into a dumpster and set it on fire. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Being married to Jordan is one of my favorite things in the whole world, but it’s not my whole world. Jordan is many things, but he is not all things. He can’t be all the varying perspectives of a group of friends gathered together, he can’t engage all of the facets of all my interests, he can’t help put on jewelry and share clothes like my sisters could (well he could, but it would get awkward fast). He can’t provide the curious sparks produced by friction with a mostly unfamiliar soul.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I’ve spent a lot of time grieving in typical “you never know what you’ve got til it’s gone” fashion, rhapsodizing on days of yesteryear as if they were unblemished. I’ve also spent a lot of time going to the other extreme: folding my arms, raising a cynical eyebrow and saying “well, I always thought life sucked back then anyway.”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Recently, through a lot of introspection (something I have maybe too much space for right now), I’ve realized that I’m going to have to let this refine me even if it breaks me. Because I’m so unhealthily addicted to what other people think of me (another blog post for another time), sometimes the loneliness makes me feel like I’m ceasing to exist-- like the absence of peoples’ opinions equates to the absence of me. It may be that this stretch is a chance to counter that long-held bad habit.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I think I am sometimes most truly myself when no one’s watching. No friend is around to either approve or criticize my behavior at work. I can post about it on facebook, tweet it, text it, but for every moment I share, there are hours and hours no one will ever know about or appraise. My family isn’t here to comment on and influence my music and movie tastes. My professors aren’t here to praise or question what I read and how my beliefs are being shaped. How I use my time, how I carry myself in this world, are suddenly wide open and stripped down to my deepest motives. Here I find out what actually matters and what I can allow to be painfully but helpfully stripped away. Here, where there is no one who will ever know, I find out exactly how much like Christ I’m actually willing to be.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">So I’m learning to defy paralysis by letting this time move me instead-- move me into the truest version of myself. Sometimes it’s as big as writing a song I know no one but me and God will ever hear. Sometimes it’s as small as choosing to put together an outfit I love wearing even though I know no one is going to see it and comment on it.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">This is not to deny the reality of loneliness. I’m lonely, and it’s lame, and it’s been tearing away at the edges of my heart, and I have to give myself permission to admit that. But I absolutely get to choose what I do with that loneliness... and I absolutely refuse to allow it to make me less.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And after all, if there’s anything I can learn from my past self, it’s that seasons like this don’t last forever. The way I use the waiting is what equips me to dive into fuller life when the time comes.</span></div>
Elraenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07034918485021649432noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991895331380725469.post-61309304306160706022014-01-20T11:02:00.003-07:002014-01-20T11:02:44.741-07:00Flying Lessons<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I’m in Colorado for a week right now to see friends and pour a little life into what has been a very lifeless few months.</span></div>
<b id="docs-internal-guid--83473a6-b0ca-355a-c94a-3d321e288f79" style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0Q5K14zv7J2nBRW-yPnZyC3iwkKXbkOw05NWGbDFA8z6Pc7WWDNPLI6b3KDNaszdieeWOc0S6d7evZoHeCbXxum2GTT1evdOsW1Ut9jVB8H96jT2-9Zbn09ZaDh45wjhrIfT9LDdJlX1V/s1600/1525107_10202204519968237_1191740091_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0Q5K14zv7J2nBRW-yPnZyC3iwkKXbkOw05NWGbDFA8z6Pc7WWDNPLI6b3KDNaszdieeWOc0S6d7evZoHeCbXxum2GTT1evdOsW1Ut9jVB8H96jT2-9Zbn09ZaDh45wjhrIfT9LDdJlX1V/s1600/1525107_10202204519968237_1191740091_n.jpg" height="400" width="400" /></a></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Every time I have visited this state over the past six years, I’ve been struck by how everything here feels a little more vivid, a little more like the truest version of itself. The sun’s rays feel hotter on the back of your neck, the air feels sharper and cleaner and colder, the mountains have a kind of perilous beauty that you could break yourself on.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Yesterday I took my dear friend’s 10-year-old daughter on a walk to a park, where we played hard for over an hour, regardless of the fine mountain dust coating our clothes and our hair. After a while, she pulled me over to the swings-- a favorite feature of any playground for both of us. She quickly invited me to race, a challenge to see who could swing up level with the top of the swing set first.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Soon we were flying against the deep cloudless sky, our shadows sharp in the keen beams of setting sunlight bleeding over the mountains’ silhouette. I quickly became aware of a contrast in the way we experienced those moments swinging as high as we could go. My 10-year-old friend found flying so high she nearly slid off the swing exhilarating. She pushed herself as high as she could, laughing with the sheer joy of being weightless, being high above the gravel below. Meanwhile, as soon as I got too high, my breath caught and my hands locked around the chains in fear. I slowed myself down as fast as possible, maintaining a more moderate height.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I remember being her age and having her same confidence. Back then there was no fear that the chains would break, no thought that maybe I’d fall to the earth below. The sky was mine, and I had this thought burning in me that I'd been created to fly. I would push myself as high as possible and then jump, soaring through the air before dropping into a roll on the ground below. I was 10 years old and invincible. I hadn’t learned yet what it feels like to fall.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Of course I find these things symbolic, for better or for worse. We live in a world where we learn to fear falling early. Whether because we actually fall or because we are told it’s the inevitable outcome, we learn a caution that keeps us on the ground. It’s often so much easier to never fly at all than to weather the risk of losing altitude.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And so when I do encounter hope or beauty or some deep blessing in my life, my reaction is often more one of fear than the limitless joy of a 10-year-old flying on the swings. I grasp the familiar chains desperately, I force myself to slow, to lose momentum.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">"</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>I wonder, though, if the good feeling will last. I do this with good things; I think joy into its coffin; I analyze too much</i></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">."</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">- Donald Miller, </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Through Painted Deserts</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">This may be in some part because the risk is higher for me now than it once was. I’m probably around three times heavier than my slender 10-year-old friend, which means I gain momentum faster, and were I to fall, I’d fall harder too. The risk of flying is greater as we grow-- there’s more to lose. But the ability to fly higher and faster means there’s also more to gain.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I’m not entirely sure what it looks like for me to properly embrace the highs without fearing only for the moments I have to come down. But I do know that we have a measure of choice, the choice to encounter life with all the reckless joy of a child rather than the fear of hearts tied to chains. I still believe we were created for the former, not the latter. My young friend’s laughter and encouragement to loosen my grip and soar higher challenge me to allow deeper joy in my work with music, my marriage, my friendships, my passions.</span></div>
<br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And for me that starts here-- to embrace these adventures in Colorado with delight instead of cautious analyzing. These days, like all days, are a gift. May they be marked by life abundant.</span></div>
Elraenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07034918485021649432noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991895331380725469.post-24632692362984631962013-12-30T09:48:00.001-07:002014-01-11T07:32:46.060-07:00Best of 2013<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">As is my yearly tradition, here is a post of personal highlights from my year, ranging from factual to thoughtful. Thanks for riding out another year with me, friends!</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span id="docs-internal-guid-56699279-4466-7148-9bb1-b175bf263803" style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></span>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span id="docs-internal-guid-56699279-4466-7148-9bb1-b175bf263803" style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">10 Goals I Had for 2013:</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">1. Finish a draft of my novel “Starlings” </span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-style: italic; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">(Not completed yet, though I made more headway on it, particularly in terms of plotting and world building)</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">2. See (and shoot) at least one band I haven’t seen before </span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-style: italic; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">(I saw a few for the first time, but I don’t think I photographed anyone for the first time)</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">3. Make a more dedicated effort to keep up with guitar playing </span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-style: italic; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">(Success here was mixed, since I didn’t have my guitar for a significant portion of the year)</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">4. Plan a wedding (more specifically, mine) </span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-style: italic; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">(Well, this one I managed)</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">5. Learn to take more personal initiative </span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-style: italic; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">(This one I also made tangible progress in)</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">6. Invest better in relationships that I have slighted much more than I should </span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-style: italic; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">(Mixed success. This is a lifelong goal, I believe)</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">7. Keep up with Greek </span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-style: italic; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">(Successful-- sat in on Greek class at my alma mater a few times, worked on translation projects on my own)</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">8. Learn at least one new piece on the piano (from sheets, not that I personally arrange) </span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-style: italic; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">(I didn’t accomplish this one, though I arranged several more)</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">9. Drink less coffee (and learn to drink it black) </span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-style: italic; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">(Mostly successful. I drink less than half of what I did, and though I usually at least need some milk, I never need sweetener anymore)</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">10. Volunteer more of my time investing in the ministries and causes I care deeply about </span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-style: italic; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">(Done, but nowhere near to the extent that I would like)</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-style: italic; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
<span id="docs-internal-guid-56699279-4466-7148-9bb1-b175bf263803"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></span></span><br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span id="docs-internal-guid-56699279-4466-7148-9bb1-b175bf263803"><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">10 Significant Events of 2013:</span></span><br />
<span id="docs-internal-guid-56699279-4466-7148-9bb1-b175bf263803"><span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">1. Getting to see Disciple with four of my siblings</span></span><br />
<span id="docs-internal-guid-56699279-4466-7148-9bb1-b175bf263803"><span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">2. Final few months living in Colorado, including junking my first car</span></span><br />
<span id="docs-internal-guid-56699279-4466-7148-9bb1-b175bf263803"><span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">3. Going to Sixflags and to see Skillet with siblings and longtime friend and fellow music fan Mikayla</span></span><br />
<span id="docs-internal-guid-56699279-4466-7148-9bb1-b175bf263803"><span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">4. Living in downtown Nashville for a month and interning with a record label</span></span><br />
<span id="docs-internal-guid-56699279-4466-7148-9bb1-b175bf263803"><span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">5. Spending a few days in Georgia getting my heart filled to overflowing by my “Fern” friends</span></span><br />
<span id="docs-internal-guid-56699279-4466-7148-9bb1-b175bf263803"><span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">6. Marrying my favorite person</span></span><br />
<span id="docs-internal-guid-56699279-4466-7148-9bb1-b175bf263803"><span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">7. My 6th CleanPlace Moot in Colorado</span></span><br />
<span id="docs-internal-guid-56699279-4466-7148-9bb1-b175bf263803"><span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">8. Moving into and setting up my first apartment with Jordan</span></span><br />
<span id="docs-internal-guid-56699279-4466-7148-9bb1-b175bf263803"><span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">9. Hosting my coworker and dear friend Sarah, plus attending and covering the Dove Awards</span></span><br />
<span id="docs-internal-guid-56699279-4466-7148-9bb1-b175bf263803"><span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">with her</span></span><br />
<span id="docs-internal-guid-56699279-4466-7148-9bb1-b175bf263803"><span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">10. My adopted sister Liz’s visit and the countless adventures we crammed into one awesome week. </span></span><br />
<span id="docs-internal-guid-56699279-4466-7148-9bb1-b175bf263803"><span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span></div>
<span id="docs-internal-guid-56699279-4466-7148-9bb1-b175bf263803">
</span>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span id="docs-internal-guid-56699279-4466-7148-9bb1-b175bf263803"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEheFJ_V53Z-p1l8X7pN3UCbKGJIP8wf_9XdMdfykPhQVQYA2-YayB6p6j-4OEF3Z6HSD74PlRqb0AHTGlSHByHV91rVRuKkJBMKg-CA2WnxvFAE_4ZAUZZZd7puq4DcwpZQKXPiwAHmPlLM/s1600/2013+Recap.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEheFJ_V53Z-p1l8X7pN3UCbKGJIP8wf_9XdMdfykPhQVQYA2-YayB6p6j-4OEF3Z6HSD74PlRqb0AHTGlSHByHV91rVRuKkJBMKg-CA2WnxvFAE_4ZAUZZZd7puq4DcwpZQKXPiwAHmPlLM/s1600/2013+Recap.jpg" /></span></a></span></div>
<span id="docs-internal-guid-56699279-4466-7148-9bb1-b175bf263803">
</span>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span id="docs-internal-guid-56699279-4466-7148-9bb1-b175bf263803"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<span id="docs-internal-guid-56699279-4466-7148-9bb1-b175bf263803">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /><span style="background-color: white; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></span></span><br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span id="docs-internal-guid-56699279-4466-7148-9bb1-b175bf263803"><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">10 Random Places I Visited in 2013:</span></span><br />
<span id="docs-internal-guid-56699279-4466-7148-9bb1-b175bf263803"><span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">1. A 24 hour Jewish coffee shop in Manitou Springs, CO</span></span><br />
<span id="docs-internal-guid-56699279-4466-7148-9bb1-b175bf263803"><span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">2. A side room of Frothy Monkey coffee house in Franklin, TN where Kevin Max was reading</span></span><br />
<span id="docs-internal-guid-56699279-4466-7148-9bb1-b175bf263803"><span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">poetry</span></span><br />
<span id="docs-internal-guid-56699279-4466-7148-9bb1-b175bf263803"><span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">3. An awesome boot store on Nashville’s Broadway that I wandered into with Sarah, complete </span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">with an adorable southern gentleman proprietor</span></span><br />
<span id="docs-internal-guid-56699279-4466-7148-9bb1-b175bf263803"><span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">4. Lovely, quiet gardens on a misty day in Georgia</span></span><br />
<span id="docs-internal-guid-56699279-4466-7148-9bb1-b175bf263803"><span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">5. A cow pasture in deep Texas where we ended up while trying to find a venue</span></span><br />
<span id="docs-internal-guid-56699279-4466-7148-9bb1-b175bf263803"><span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">6. The Manitou Cliff Dwellings, ancient Anasazi homes that I visited (and excessively </span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">photographed) with my friends Sarah, Rebecca, and Eleanor</span></span><br />
<span id="docs-internal-guid-56699279-4466-7148-9bb1-b175bf263803"><span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">7. A little tea room in Shreveport, LA that I revisited with my mom for the first time since my </span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">mid-teen years</span></span><br />
<span id="docs-internal-guid-56699279-4466-7148-9bb1-b175bf263803"><span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">8. Side paths of Colorado’s Garden of the Gods in middle of the night</span></span><br />
<span id="docs-internal-guid-56699279-4466-7148-9bb1-b175bf263803"><span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">9. One of the most hillbilly gas stations in Tennessee, where I ended up with two Wisconsin </span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">friends in tow</span></span><br />
<span id="docs-internal-guid-56699279-4466-7148-9bb1-b175bf263803"><span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">10. A renovated caboose buried deep in the Colorado mountains</span></span></div>
<span id="docs-internal-guid-56699279-4466-7148-9bb1-b175bf263803">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /><span style="background-color: white; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></span><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The 10 Songs that were the Most Special to Me in 2013:</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">1. “Hope of Morning” by Icon For Hire</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">2. “I Was Wrong, I’m Sorry and I Love You” by Derek Webb</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">3. “Jesus Jesus” by Noah Gundersen</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">4. “Closer” by John Mark McMillan</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">5. “Though You Slay Me” by Shane and Shane</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">6. “Salvation” by Skillet</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">7. “We Fall Apart” by We As Human</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">8. “Hold Me Now” by Red</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">9. “Beautiful Scars” by Disciple</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">10. “After the Storm” by Mumford and Sons</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /><span style="background-color: white; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></span><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">10 Miscellaneous Things I Learned in 2013:</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">1. The concept that cynicism and intelligence/wisdom are the same thing, or even strongly</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">related, is false and incredibly damaging.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">2. People with different beliefs than those I hold-- even complete opposite beliefs-- are a whole lot less scary than I was raised to believe.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">3. Nostalgia is a dangerous drug, to be taken in limited quantities with your feet firmly planted in where you are now.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">4. The fact that joy so often comes paired with a dose of sorrow doesn’t mean that you should forgo the joy to try to avoid the sorrow; it just means you have to find ways to embrace and fully live both.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">5. What employers value should never, ever be taken as any kind of standard of what are actually valuable character traits. And on a related note, the societal notion that being in certain kinds of jobs makes you a “higher” or “lower” kind of person is deeply flawed.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">6. A very high percentage of discomfort in my relationships comes from my own pride.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">7. Music and the music industry are two very different things, and navigating the latter means never losing my love for the former.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">8. Most things we think are small (conversations, actions, moments) really aren’t small at all. Every detail matters. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">9. Overcoming dark in our lives is much less about constantly trying to starve the negative and much more about conscientiously, intentionally feeding joy, hope, and light (likely a blog post expanding on this coming).</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">10. There is no shame in holding to traditional beliefs and clinging to the basic doctrines about the reality and character of Christ. It doesn’t require becoming an intellectual infant. Some thought systems have endured for a reason.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /><span style="background-color: white; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></span><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">10 Goals for 2014:</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-style: italic; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">(This is always problematic because my life is so unpredictable. I’m going to try to nail down less nebulous goals this time around however.)</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">1. Run a race (10k at the very least).</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">2. Change my job situation (Lord willing).</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">3. Go to a festival again.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">4. Write a letter to/have a conversation with at least one of my heroes explaining the impact they had in my life.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">5. Find some practical ways to combat recurring anxiety episodes. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">6. Volunteer charity work through church at least once.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">7. Wear skirts and dresses more (this being less shallow than it seems-- being confident enough to do so would be an accomplishment).</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">8. Read at least one book in the fields of theology or literature purely for learning/academic reasons.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">9. Visit a place I’ve never been before (meaning a new state or town, not just a new coffee shop-- though I wouldn’t complain about that either).</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">10. Grow my hair out (also less shallow than it seems-- being healthy enough for my hair to grow is both new and a really big deal).</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
</span>Elraenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07034918485021649432noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991895331380725469.post-53602871804769260852013-12-25T09:08:00.002-07:002013-12-25T09:08:56.492-07:00Exiled Hearts<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Throughout the years of my faith and even the years before I had much of anything resembling faith, Christ has most often found me in sorrow. This may be because grief is the emotion I naturally tend to experience most keenly and most often, and it may be because that is where my need for Him is felt deepest.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">In the past, this has not held as true for Christmas. I love this season. I love that it’s about <a href="http://elraen-fragileontheinside.blogspot.com/2009/12/rescued.html">rescue</a>. I love that it holds a new kind of <a href="http://elraen-fragileontheinside.blogspot.com/2013/12/christmas-lights.html">hope</a>. But this year, burned out and weary, I’ve had trouble connecting myself to messages of joy and comfort when it’s so far from the realities that feel more present at the moment.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Recently, I got into what I call a shouting match with God. These happen often in my walk with Him, and though some might call it irreverent, if the often-emo poetry of the Psalms tells me anything, it’s that He can take it. I owned up to my deep sense of loneliness and isolation, the feeling that I’m barred from the things I hoped for, and held it out in trembling hands. And I dared to ask Him a question: “</span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: italic; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">How can I believe You’re here in this</span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">?”</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And He answered: </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I was exiled too once.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“He was despised and rejected by men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief; and as one from whom men hide their faces he was despised, and we esteemed him not. Surely he has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows; yet we esteemed him stricken, smitten by God, and afflicted.”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Isaiah 53:3 - 4</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The cultural bent, inside and outside of the church, is to reserve Christmas for the joyful ones, the happy ones, the ones who get to go home to whole families. But maybe that’s a side effect rather than what it </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">is</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Christmas is for the lonely ones-- He chose to be lonely with us. Christmas is for the wandering ones-- He wandered with us. Christmas is for the exiled hearts facing long, aching roads before they reach anything close to a place that feels like home.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Because as much as I feel vulnerable being so far from the familiar and comforting in these recent months, I can’t even grasp the vulnerability of being God wrapped in the skin of a newborn baby. And I imagine that when He opened His dark newborn eyes-- eyes that had only ever been bathed in glorious light, now plunged into the thick darkness of an ancient night-- His crying was more than an infant’s noise. He was learning the deeply human ache of being terribly far from home.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">Though I shrink from dismissing this with an easy answer (to let the Christ child sit with us in our loneliness bears a sacredness as weighty as the joy of knowing that He was also our Redeemer), I also find courage in remembering that His exile, like my own, was not purposeless. He chose it for the sake of love. Every trembling human breath through chapped human lips, every moment in the dark, was a part of making Love complete-- a part of perfecting love in us. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: italic; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: italic; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">“But he was pierced for our transgressions; he was crushed for our iniquities; upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace, and with his wounds we are healed.”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Isaiah 53:5</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">He became lonely with us so that we would never have to be truly alone again.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;">Merry Christmas to my fellow wanderers-- He goes with us.</span></div>
Elraenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07034918485021649432noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991895331380725469.post-18359702688599761342013-12-09T09:21:00.000-07:002013-12-09T10:23:33.721-07:00Christmas Lights<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I have always loved Christmas lights.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">There is something about them that consistently returns me to a state of child-like wonder, something that pushes me to the kind of innocent hope I usually don’t even believe exists anymore. </span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">It has always been this way. Even as a teenager, I remember army crawling deep under the branches of my family’s tree and then rolling over on my back to look up. The lights would glitter like a golden spray of stars frozen mid-shower, their rays broken and reflected on the silver tinsel garlands woven up over the dark branches. No matter where my heart was on those December days, the lights were a constant calm, whispering </span><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: italic; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">be still. All will be well.</span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: italic; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfjygz5kA9MWhBJRo5c0ksayRckgEgurxNdTcIa6AarqGg2ZA6Jkdi6aGfy_Qp3cS2GmMI2J5vdkpUthh6_5XcTMFseZodUGzj_LXOC8duEhcx0i864aOA4d6d_zrf5rmnTT3xvDjjQs-O/s1600/IMG_4841.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfjygz5kA9MWhBJRo5c0ksayRckgEgurxNdTcIa6AarqGg2ZA6Jkdi6aGfy_Qp3cS2GmMI2J5vdkpUthh6_5XcTMFseZodUGzj_LXOC8duEhcx0i864aOA4d6d_zrf5rmnTT3xvDjjQs-O/s400/IMG_4841.jpg" width="266" /></a></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">This might be part of why, in some of the hardest years of my life, I chose to use hundreds of Christmas lights as the primary lighting in my room year round. Lights outlined my band posters and textbook shelves and CD collection, shedding a soft, sympathetic glow over countless hours of writing papers and falling asleep with red eyes and shoes still on.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">Later I’d move in with a dear friend in Colorado who shared this same love for Christmas lights-- her living room and kitchen were also outlined by the bright, winking bulbs, and for the hours when I was in the house alone, I’d often use them as the only light source yet again. It felt especially right on the days where snow fell softly outside, breathtaking in its chilly, dangerous beauty as I sat inside ringed in by warm light.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">This year is different than any that has come before it. I’m a newly married 20-something in a new city just barely getting by with a dead-end job and a heart that lately seems to have dead-ended as well, and Christmas lights honestly seem like an extravagance I have no right to indulge. I had to rationally weigh the possibility of not decorating at all-- after all, no one but me and my husband will see it anyway. I am living in the kind of isolation where I hesitate to bake for the Christmas season because there’s no one to eat any of it, where I know if my car breaks down in the ice on the way home from another long holiday shift there is not a single person I can call to come pick me up.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">But maybe all of this just means I have more reason than ever to pull out the strands of Christmas lights we used at my wedding and re-use them, in defiance of the grown-up cynicism that threatens to choke the light from this gray December. When I was a child, others hung up the lights for me, and I simply soaked in their glow. Maybe part of being “grown up” in this season is not retiring the lights, but rather choosing to hang them myself even if there’s no one here to help or even to see.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZZGw3p0hZf-wIHOQwn29DbxZef4lKgGyfnKRZ5jcprQKJwDuCdotIpjAyQVudy6nBTvlcbLS1jGQWhgdQBX05iVEY51FSF2KHafS2WcoS01U9C7j8CurifQ77XNkQR9ypRJC8MH2ADq9G/s1600/IMG_4857.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZZGw3p0hZf-wIHOQwn29DbxZef4lKgGyfnKRZ5jcprQKJwDuCdotIpjAyQVudy6nBTvlcbLS1jGQWhgdQBX05iVEY51FSF2KHafS2WcoS01U9C7j8CurifQ77XNkQR9ypRJC8MH2ADq9G/s400/IMG_4857.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">I don’t know the thought inside out yet, but I feel that hope is something we choose instead of something that happens to us. Hope is in defiance of, not rational reliance on, the shadows circumstance casts on us. Hope is truest when it is impossible. After all, the incarnation, this mystery that prompted this holiday, must have seemed the same-- the strange idea that a newborn’s cry heralded a collision of the dark night with the divine, that the frail infant hands held love enough to alter the course of human hearts forever. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;">So I’ll hang the lights and I’ll hope, in memory of the way things have been and anticipation of what is to come, in recognition that the miracle of God-with-us is just as true today as it was two thousand years ago-- and that is reason enough to shed a little light.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghy1pNZE7J00qAdq-Z6jjTAis2ZFkeva6fasAATnAEWFd9fBN8UHs6h15FIoVl_i9wgofA7ADzvAJmdQnrak2XfOYlj2igwyXOgAaOX04GQiwpF7Q9jFOVgNCEJ4-LkDk9Q_czW20Uo94L/s1600/IMG_4882.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="230" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghy1pNZE7J00qAdq-Z6jjTAis2ZFkeva6fasAATnAEWFd9fBN8UHs6h15FIoVl_i9wgofA7ADzvAJmdQnrak2XfOYlj2igwyXOgAaOX04GQiwpF7Q9jFOVgNCEJ4-LkDk9Q_czW20Uo94L/s400/IMG_4882.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>Elraenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07034918485021649432noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991895331380725469.post-53308742728123207792013-11-01T18:45:00.000-06:002013-11-01T18:50:50.775-06:00These Are My Souvenirs<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">"</span><i style="line-height: 1.15;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Here’s to the twilight, </span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">here’s to the memories. T</span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">hese are my souvenirs, </span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">my mental pictures of everything. </span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">Here’s to the late nights, </span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">here’s to the firelight. T</span></i><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>hese are my souvenirs...</i>"</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">- </span><span style="font-family: Arial; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Switchfoot</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">Moving away from one home to my second home and then moving away from that one within the space of a year has given me the chance to experience a breadth and depth of new emotions.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">One of them is a particularly deep, bittersweet nostalgia. And I don’t mean the “remember before facebook” surface-level type that I imagine will become more prevalent as I progress through adulthood. It's the kind that comes more naturally to me with my heart's natural bent to sorrow, the kind that says “remember when we were still allowed to be innocent?”</span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Largely, I think this kind of nostalgia is emphasized because, as I have said in many conversations, I am aware that there really is no “going home” after you move away. You can go back to the same place, but it will have changed-- circumstances will have changed, the people will have changed, </span><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: italic; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">you </span><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">will have changed. No, you cannot really go back. And that gives the contrast between “then” and “now” a sharpness that bites deep.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">I’ve often been in a place the last few years where my day could be wrecked by a simple photograph of a group of friends, knowing that group would probably never be assembled again. Pictures of my siblings when we were all a little younger and a lot more innocent can be even worse.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“</span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>I close my eyes and go back in time: you were just a child then, and so was I. We were so young, we had no fear. We were so young, we had no idea that nothing lasts forever.</i></span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">- </span><span style="font-family: Arial; line-height: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Switchfoot</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">Yesterday I was digging for an old picture, and in the process ended up exploring my facebook timeline. Countless old posts, pictures, memories, and stages in relationships flashed before my eyes. And at first I had that familiar deep pang of regret, this feeling that there was a beauty there I will never get back.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGP4J4HWW3qxONBsTywPC22LpqxDYyv6ehoEKMXbOcogpFNABRldtY_wvwtpbmIUvTL03eO6tWbCt_I7lQawViGkfIPTn_RBbnFXplc6NdFh7fqCLam17KEwCPIasKs6NxN905lbCaXJkv/s1600/44316_421198900381_734770381_5039997_877564_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="268" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGP4J4HWW3qxONBsTywPC22LpqxDYyv6ehoEKMXbOcogpFNABRldtY_wvwtpbmIUvTL03eO6tWbCt_I7lQawViGkfIPTn_RBbnFXplc6NdFh7fqCLam17KEwCPIasKs6NxN905lbCaXJkv/s400/44316_421198900381_734770381_5039997_877564_n.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>Photo taken by my dear friend Kate during the 2010 CP Moot-- easily still the best week of my life</i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And then I started to try a different focus, dragging my heart away from its natural inclination to mourn. I recognized that some of the most cheerful posts and brightest smiling pictures had been from days or seasons where I was actually really aching down deep inside. Perhaps I can perceive a kind of innocence in interactions then, but the fact is that things I now see as pebbles were mountains to me then because I hadn’t ever crossed them yet.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">Nostalgia is an instagram filter for life. It’s easy to use the past’s highlights as an excuse to feel discontent with the present’s lows.</span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Honesty forces me to admit that in the future, I’ll likely look back on this phase of life and think “</span><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>if only I could get that back</i></span><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">.” I’ve started to make a game of guessing which parts of my circumstances I will miss later-- a game that pushes me to enjoy the moments with the fullest appreciation, drinking them deep and swallowing slow.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">Because that is the other side to this: yes, I wrongly romanticize my history at times to feed my own discontent. But I also do myself a disfavor when I swing too far the other direction and pretend it was all ugly. For a long time, I saw much of my childhood and teenage years as only shadow. That is false. This should be proved just by the amount of stories I tell in conversation. I have lived stories and friendships and adventures that are breathtakingly beautiful, and naming them so is part of living life in gratitude and grace. </span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“</span><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>Of all the things I still remember, summer's never looked the same. The years go by and time just seems to fly, but the memories remain. In the middle of September, we'd still play out in the rain-- nothing to lose but everything to gain.</i></span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: normal; white-space: pre-wrap;">”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">- </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Daughtry</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">The balance I am trying to strike is being grateful for where I’ve come from without neglecting to keep my eyes ahead. After all, this story is so far from over. I have traded younger joys of the past for some weightier joys in the present. My life may have had time to teach me more of sorrow, but I certainly also know more of grace. And though that, like any part of growing, is not easy, I will continue to believe it's worth it.</span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>"</i></span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>Reflecting now on how things could've been, it was worth it in the end.</i></span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">”</span><br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">- </span><span style="font-family: Arial; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Daughtry</span></span></div>
Elraenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07034918485021649432noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991895331380725469.post-76180343165894875162013-10-02T08:21:00.000-06:002013-10-02T08:21:28.033-06:00Growing Pains<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I’ve been going through a bit of what feels like a second round of teenage years physically lately. I’ve shed a significant amount of weight and worked at getting in shape in order to combat some long-standing health problems, with the result that sometimes I feel like I don’t know the skin I’m living in anymore.</span></div>
<b id="docs-internal-guid-614ae3bb-7984-ccd7-ed9a-ed7584955bd7" style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">When I curl up to sleep in positions that have long been comfortable, my ribs and bones press against me at odd, awkward angles. When I went to shop for work clothing, I had to try on size after size, attempting to figure out which one actually fits now. As chilly weather approaches, I keep pulling out fall clothes (my beloved hoodies and plaid shirts) and finding that favorite garments now hang like strangers on my shoulders.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Although this change is not a bad thing in itself, it leaves me feeling insecure and lost in my own body sometimes. All the rules for how I function have changed. Running a mile is easier than it’s ever been, but skipping meals is harder than it was. </span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">This seems like a suitable metaphor for much of my life right now.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">My life wears a skin I’m not familiar with, and sometimes it feels like it’s all awkward angles and disorientation. This rocker kid with a heart bent towards all things reckless and passionate has become a housewife working brutal early morning food service shifts. After years marked by middle of the night road trips and airports and walkways by stages and too much coffee and cheap french fries, I’m living life static. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The final symbol of this for me was when I had to cut off several inches of fluorescent blue from my hair so that I could be accepted in the workplace. It was like watching a little piece of my identity forcibly severed.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Honesty forces me to admit that there are scattered days where I hate it. I hate the clothespins and the dishes and the endless parade of budget notes and bills. But those days are rare, since I am determined to count these moments like they still matter. More often I just feel this kind of quiet heartache inherent in my daily routine, this question asked more in curiosity than rebellion: </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">will I ever get to do the things that have made me feel alive again?</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I know that for some people, these are the things that </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">do</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> make them come alive, and I have a deep respect for the homemakers and the housewives and the steady, deep-loving souls hidden in so many houses and part time jobs, brave enough to embrace peace. They have a kind of courage my soul shrinks from. This makes me wonder if I somehow missed a part of being human, if I’m just too selfish to be settled down.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">So the question I wrestle with is this: how do I live a life burning just as bright here as I did when rock shows and travel and friends and adventures were life’s difficult but radiant fabric? It has to be possible, since the soul I am has not changed with my circumstances, and the purpose God breathed into me has not been erased by my position. </span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I never want to be the one to settle for apathy. I will always restlessly pace to the borders of my life, hold out my arms, and fall over the edge with faith as my wings. But I don’t entirely know what that looks like for me right now, as a creative serving people bagels at 6:00 a.m., as someone who (often unhealthily) idolized independence learning to be a wife, as a mind who loves learning confined to the mindless mundane, as an adrenaline junkie constrained to spend free time doing laundry by hand. </span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">But I know that even in “settling down,” I don’t want to settle for less than the deepest adventure. To some extent being sustained in this goes back to the truth I come back to over and over again: what we do is not who we are. I have felt like my soul is awkwardly straddling the fence between “ordinary” and “alive,” but maybe in reality part of growing into this skin is learning to be consistent no matter where my feet are planted-- finding the things about my identity that endure beyond the circumstantial and letting those things anchor me.</span></div>
<br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I don’t have it figured out yet. I’m not sure yet if I ever will. But I’m going to keep trying, one step, one songs, one coffee cup at a time-- as always.</span>Elraenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07034918485021649432noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991895331380725469.post-6246013830794643452013-09-19T19:22:00.004-06:002013-09-19T19:33:07.592-06:00Simba and Shame<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The other night I was watching my childhood favorite movie </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The Lion King</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> with my husband and a friend. I watch it fairly often (which probably says a lot about my progress-- or lack thereof-- at becoming a “grown up”), and I’m increasingly noticing that I perpetually bring something new away from it. Some stories are like that-- they grow up with you.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhv8zZseCbn9oHusYgpSWruAOt8rAO2srTeXcCoKhwH7xmDLyTvc6SUG80IUyyEIVHfhYyeRFMtHwF0cIFpwqfC-aKIcvsKIlOWOEgWk-LIHO_Gb07-rIgLPUQ2p3jq5ZPTQLMnS6MBhQNS/s1600/Simba-Mufasa-the-lion-king-25952828-800-400.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium; line-height: normal; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center; white-space: normal;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhv8zZseCbn9oHusYgpSWruAOt8rAO2srTeXcCoKhwH7xmDLyTvc6SUG80IUyyEIVHfhYyeRFMtHwF0cIFpwqfC-aKIcvsKIlOWOEgWk-LIHO_Gb07-rIgLPUQ2p3jq5ZPTQLMnS6MBhQNS/s400/Simba-Mufasa-the-lion-king-25952828-800-400.jpg" width="400" /></a></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">So if you can forget for just a few moments that I’m talking about animated lions here, I’ll try to capture the theological parallels I carried away from it this time around.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">Let’s set the stage in case you haven’t seen it in a while: in perhaps the darkest and most emotionally traumatic scene of my 90s childhood, lion cub Simba’s father and king, Mufasa, is trampled to death attempting to save Simba from stampeding wildebeest (set in motion by Mufasa’s murderously jealous brother Scar). </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">In the aftermath, Simba’s first reaction is simply grief. But in mere moments Scar appears on the scene, and he instantly starts implying that the weight of what has happened rests on Simba’s shoulders. With subtle statements like "if it weren’t for you, he would still be alive" and "what will your mother think?" Scar infiltrates the grieving kid’s thoughts. Soon Scar has Simba utterly convinced that not only does he bear the weight of witnessing his father’s death-- he caused it, making him no better than a murderer.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">So Simba runs. For years. The shame drives him to irresponsibility, to recklessness, to turn his back on everyone who has ever loved him. Eventually, the honest but stern words of a friend and the spiritual reminder of his identity drive him to return to his homeland. And when he does, his absence has left his beloved kingdom in ruin, his family and his friends oppressed and starving.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">Of course we know the ending by default of it being a Disney movie: the bad guy is brought to justice, the kingdom is reclaimed and healed, Simba gets the throne-- and the girl. And there is a turning point in this climax process where Simba realizes for the first time that Scar lied to him. Scar set all the weight of the murder on Simba’s shoulders, but in reality it was Scar who did the killing. And in the moment when Simba realizes that he’s been lied to, his shame completely falls to pieces, and that freedom is what gives him the strength to defeat Scar once and for all.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">If you’re still with me, you’re probably starting to get some ideas of why this matters (beyond the fact that it’s actually some pretty epic storytelling for an animated feature).</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">I have a history of making really destructive decisions. I hold the belief with a certainty stronger than death that through the sacrifice of Jesus Christ, I am not the same person that I was (</span><a href="http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2%20corinthians%205:17&version=NIV" style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">2 Corinthians 5:17</a><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">). Those things no longer have the power to name me. But I also believe that there is an Enemy who will try as hard as he can to tell me otherwise.</span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Now that I’ve been following Christ for a while, I find that often my struggle is less directly with obvious sin (though I would not in any way claim to be immune), and much more with shame. No one can </span><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: italic; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">make</span><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> me sin anymore. That is an idea I reject on the basis of <a href="http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1%20corinthians%2010:13&version=NIV">1 Corinthians 10:13</a>. I have a choice, even in the face of being tempted towards vices that once owned me. I might not always choose well (and I am so needy of grace), but I will always have a choice. </span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">So now what paralyzes me is much more often these thoughts which so often refuse to let me rest: </span><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: italic; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">what if I did this wrong? What if I hurt someone unknowingly? What if I didn’t love well where I was supposed to? What if I wrongly invested my time? What if my past really isn’t behind me? </span><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And the “what if’s” drive me to a crippling sense of guilt. </span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Back to </span><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: italic; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The Lion King</span><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. The funny thing is, in this case Simba didn’t actually do anything wrong-- it was a horribly broken situation manufactured by someone else that he was thrust into. But he was accused, and the accusation made him believe he was dirty and evil beyond repair. Had he not bought the lie, he would have stayed with his people, become king, and presumably saved his people a lot of starvation and suffering. Even if Simba </span><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: italic; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">had</span><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> been guilty of his father’s death, that </span><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: italic; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">still</span><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> would have been less potentially destructive than his years of running and letting his people starve in slavery. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">Sometimes shame itself is infinitely more destructive than any mistake it suggests we've made.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">Because of the reality of the life and death of Jesus Christ, the weight of any sin we’ve committed, any mistake we made, was forgiven as completely as if it never existed. "You’re still dirty" is a lie. "You’ll never be more than this" is a lie. "No one will love you after this" is a lie. And Satan’s subtle whispered accusations and prompts towards shame are just an empty echo of a world that will never be.</span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">So the question may be now </span><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: italic; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">how do we combat it</span><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">? Though this is of course simplified tremendously, maybe there is something to be said for the way that happened in the movie.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">Shame is combated with being reminded who you are. Shame is countered by turning to face it in battle instead of running. And shame is put to death by letting the blazing light of truth collide with and conquer the murky dark of the lies.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: italic; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: italic; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">Romans 8:1</span></span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">So there you go. Theology and </span><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: italic; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The Lion King</span><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. Let’s live unashamed today, friends.</span></div>
Elraenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07034918485021649432noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991895331380725469.post-39318813915574869422013-08-24T16:57:00.002-06:002013-08-24T17:04:37.314-06:00Love Deeply. Hold Loosely<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>"I've left enough things behind and seen the good of it to realize that it's not always a bad thing to lose." </i></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial; font-size: x-small; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">- Jon Foreman</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">We live in a world of impermanence. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">The other day I was on the phone with a very dear friend who lives very far away, and we talked about the way our fast-paced, constantly relocating and moving culture is one where community often becomes a revolving door of short-term associations. Especially at the college age when proximity is temporary, the danger is developing calluses-- no longer choosing to invest in relationships because the cost too far outweighs the seemingly meager return once separation occurs again.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">I have started experiencing this on a deep level than normal after </span><a href="http://elraen-fragileontheinside.blogspot.com/2012/08/for-nights-my-heart-turns-back.html" style="font-family: Arial; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">a year of constant relocation</a><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;"> between my family in Texas, my friends-like-family in Colorado, and the strange culture of Nashville. I often experience a crippling terror of every good thing I encounter leaving, I begin to feel like my story has been one endless string of goodbyes and closing chapters. And the temptation is to simply shut down relationships as the cause of the problem.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">I can’t speak for everyone, but I feel like I am not alone in this. Because I am an all-or-nothing extremist at heart, coping tends towards either mourning inconsolably for what I’ve had to leave behind or else ignoring it completely and telling myself I never really cared about all of that so much after all. Both are lies. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">With a world so cracked and bloodied, so far short of what it should have been, we can’t afford to set out to brave adventures alone. But we also can’t expect that we won’t be torn from companions along the way. </span><a href="http://elraen-fragileontheinside.blogspot.com/2012/11/just-story-lord-of-rings.html" style="font-family: Arial; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">My favorite story</a><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;"> involves fellowship, but one of the key events is the necessary breaking of that fellowship to further the greater overarching purpose each of the characters is assigned. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">The trick is that if we only think about the fact that we could lose good things, the good thing ceases to be enjoyed. When I’m enjoying a set by one of my favorite bands, I never once look at the time to gauge how much longer they have to play. I’m too fully captured by the beauty of the moment. It’s a kind of fearless delight I am learning to strive for when I am with people.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And yet separations come-- and they must. So in the face of this tension, it’s in almost paradoxical balance I find the truth, as is so often the case. My heart wrestles with it, and I don’t</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;"> quite understand how to do it yet, but I accept it as true: I have to love deeply but hold loosely. I have to stare down the reality that loving will mean heartache, and I have to choose to love anyway. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">Because in the end, my Christ and my experience and my own heart all resonate with the reality that people are worth it. I will love my friends deeply, even when it’s years between meetings. I will love my family with all my heart, even when that means crying through phone conversations because the miles are long and lonely. I will try to let my heart grow to be big enough to accept this moment fully, with joy and with willingness to accept partings when the time comes.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">And after all, we live in the age of text messages and facebook that transport our words across the world in seconds. There are ways to make the goodbyes a little easier after all.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial; font-style: italic; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial; font-style: italic; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Hold me fast, ‘cause I’m a hopeless wanderer. And I will learn to love the skies I’m under.”</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial; font-size: x-small; font-style: italic; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">- Mumford & Sons</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8ZkiC_mvsfsWOtVldCxLlALZEowsN2eTWKvZqpfh94YGO1uoUe5VWrI5yEilypEfJGPEUcgX-iuOiSJMldEKZp5C0j4EZLYt_OLk-dOUcGXegfu2FC2eKlFlrsJprAwDZtoSMU_OKqbL-/s1600/IMG_2119.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8ZkiC_mvsfsWOtVldCxLlALZEowsN2eTWKvZqpfh94YGO1uoUe5VWrI5yEilypEfJGPEUcgX-iuOiSJMldEKZp5C0j4EZLYt_OLk-dOUcGXegfu2FC2eKlFlrsJprAwDZtoSMU_OKqbL-/s400/IMG_2119.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
Elraenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07034918485021649432noreply@blogger.com1