One of my heroes and role models, Jamie Tworkowski, said the following about birthdays on the TWLOHA blog:
“At the heart of it is the opportunity to tell someone "I'm glad that you were born", which is also to say "I'm glad that you're alive." Those are powerful statements. The world would be a different better place if we lived that way, if we said and showed those things, more than once a year.”
Those words are what made me look at my birthday this year in a different light. Not as a day to mark everything I've lost in the last year, as it had been before, but a way of allowing myself to be reminded that just the fact that I'm alive has meaning.
I guess this birthday was a little more special than the ones before also because I never expected to reach it. Two years ago, if you had said I would make it to be 18, finishing up my freshman year of college, set to be on the Dean's List for the second semester in a row, and working my second “real” job, I would have assumed you had the wrong person. Growing up I always said I wanted to die when I was 16 or 17. I couldn't bear the thought of living with myself for any longer than that. When I was 16, I was very much certain I wanted to die when I was 16. But God had other ideas.
I used to do a lot of asking God “why.” I've seen a lot of friendships crash and break. The story of any human's life is an epic journey, and as on any journey, companions get lost along the way. I've never accepted change easily, and I've definitely never been able to accept losing things. It's still hard, but I don't ask God why anymore. It has been made known to me over and over again that He really does know better than I do – even when I can't see it.
I am told so often that I seem older than I am. I didn't tell anyone at school how old I was until a month or two ago. When people started finding out I was only 17, they were stunned. I was told over and over again that the assumption had been made that I was older than my brother (who is now 20). In fact, the assumption has also been made multiple times over the past few years that I'm older than my older sister (who will be 23 in a month). This used to confuse me. I think I understand it a little better now; I seem older than other people my age not because I'm in any way smarter or “better” than them. I've just lived a little more.
And it wasn't my choice either. I can't take credit for anything I am right now (except for all the ugly pieces, which are most definitely mine). In a sense my life ended almost two years ago, the summer I was 16 – everything else has been, is, and will be, God's. Every single day I wake up breathing because of Him. Without Him there would be nothing.
I wonder some days – most days, actually – how often people realize how much God has done in the past 22 months of my life. When I help patrons at the library, smile at them and tell them to have a good day, sometimes I stop for a moment and have to remind myself “I'm actually saying this. And it's not even scary.” And every time I do that is another victory for God, another sign of His power and grace.
I have distinct memories of a party, almost exactly two years ago, 7 days after my 16th birthday. I remember it because I was standing in a group of about 6 people, and I had to go off alone because I was starting to hyperventilate. That was my typical reaction to being in a group of more than 2 or 3 people. People at school say I need to hang out with people more. They only say that because they don't know who I was or how much God has done with that.
I think people have this funny impression a lot of the time that I'm strong. I find that hilarious. The fact is that I am very human – excruciatingly so. If I appear strong, it's only because I've learned to understand that I hopelessly and completely weak... and that was the first step to allowing God to become my strength. I like to pray and ask God to give me strength, but even more often, I like to pray and ask Him to be my strength.
I guess what I'm trying to say is not about me, but about Him. If nothing else, my life is a picture of brokenness made beautiful through the intense grace and unconditional love of Christ. I emphasize love a lot – if you've been around me or seen pictures of me over the past year, you may have noticed that I almost always have “love” written over my left wrist. I do that for two reasons. One is to remind me that love has claimed me, and love has saved me, and in that love I am secure, safe, and at rest. The other is to remind me to let that same love be the guide in every interaction, every relationship, that I have.
I don't know exactly what I want to do with my life – I just know that whatever it is, it will involve loving people. And it's funny, because I've found people often mean two totally different things when they say “I love people.” They either mean they get high on people, that friendships are where they find meaning and security... or that they pour themselves into others, not because of how it makes them feel, but because of what it is to others. I strive for something closer to the second.
I don't love people in the sense that I go to social gatherings because I enjoy it, or that I hang out with people all the time – that's definitely a part of what I consider to be loving people, but it's more like a side effect than anything else. If you want me to go to a party or even just out for coffee, I'll probably be hesitant (unless I know for certain it will be an encouragement to you in some way). If you want to have a three hour IM conversation talking about pain and frustration and despair, bring it. No one was meant to face the darkness alone. If God can shine through me even just a tiny, broken reflection of His love and His light and His hope, then in that moment my entire being is fulfilled.
That is why I am alive, why I am turning 18 today, why I'm even writing this blog entry: I was made to be loved and to love with my entire being.
I don't do things by halves. If I care about anything at all, I will either love or hate with a consuming passion. I spend a lot of my life striving to move, to really live, to deny apathy its hold.
I have to quote To Write Love On Her Arms again here, because it really encompasses everything I believe in. These next lines summarize my purpose, my identity in Christ, the reason I'm breathing, better than I ever could:
“We often ask God to show up. We pray prayers of rescue. Perhaps God would ask us to be that rescue, to be His body, to move for things that matter. He is not invisible when we come alive. I might be simple but more and more, I believe God works in love, speaks in love, is revealed in our love.
...
We are only asked to love, to offer hope to the many hopeless. We don't get to choose all the endings, but we are asked to play the rescuers. We won't solve all mysteries and our hearts will certainly break in such a vulnerable life, but it is the best way. We were made to be lovers bold in broken places, pouring ourselves out again and again until we're called home.”
If you understand nothing else about me, about the story God is working in my life, or even about why I write these blog entries, I want you to understand that. I have failed so many times. I have been lost, I have been broken, I have been frustrated and alone. Fortunately, God's grace finds me where I am over and over again. Sometimes we have to understand just how dark the night is before we can see the beauty of the starlight.
This blog entry is for you, whoever you are, wherever it finds you. It is, in some crazy way, trying to say something that God has been saying for thousands of years: “I love you. Don't you dare give up.”
How often does anyone get to go to a concert where four bands play for over 3 hours, and said person knows every single song played all night? More than that, what if two of the bands that played were this person's very favorite bands, and what if the songs played were the songs that had been the soundtrack, the theme song, and major shaping elements of the last two years of this person's life and their walk with God?
I always knew I was going to write a blog about this, from the time I was pretty certain I was going. But now it's come down to it, I don't know how. I'll try anyway, as I've promised so many people I would.
It's funny, God never works quite in the ways we expect Him to. Even when I go into a situation expecting Him to change me through it, He never does so in the way I would have predicted or asked. It's a good thing I'm not the one in charge of my life. I don't have nearly as good ideas as He does.
As some background: I heard that Skillet would be playing at Sixflags Over Texas in Arlington back in I think November. I was sure there was no way I could go. Over the next few months as the "Panhead" (Skillet fan) community realized they were booking a tour, I stalked the dates and locations, only to find that there was no show that was closer. I was so sure I couldn't make it.
But I tried anyway. I talked to friends, and made plans and back-up plans and even more plans in case the back-up plans failed. I saved up money all semester, refusing to let myself get anything unless I had a good reason for it (gifts and school stuff). I researched. I talked to my mother. I bought tickets at least a month in advance.
But I still didn't believe it would work out.
College for me has been about learning that everything I ever want to do, everything I ever want to be, is a bunch of worthless trash. Every single time, without fail, that I think something's going to be alright, it turns to ashes under my fingers and I'm left picking up the pieces of another failure. College has been about learning that I'm lost in the chaos of a world I have absolutely no control over. So though I kept telling people "I'm going to see Skillet, Red, Disciple, and Decyfer Down play," I was more trying to convince myself rather than to convince them.
I ended up going with my brother and a friend who I've really wanted to get to know better for some time. We headed out for Sixflags at 7:15 a.m. on Saturday morning. We listened to Red most of the way there, getting through both albums. I was nervous about a ticket issue that had come up. I wouldn't be able to know if we would actually be able to get in until we got to the gate.
But when we went to the booth at the gate and Maranar talked to the lady and got the tickets for himself and our friend K, I was stunned to the point of feeling numb. I couldn't believe it had worked. That just wasn't right. Something was going to go wrong.
We went on the newest ride on the park first. I hadn't been on a roller coaster in nearly 6 years, and in that time I have become more different than words can express. I was sure I wouldn't like them anymore. But as we flew along the track, my hair whipping around my face in the wind, I just started laughing - not a nervous giggle, but a laugh of sheer happiness and exhilaration. I suddenly remembered how much I love the feeling of flying.
The rest of the rides throughout the day were the same. I used to scream on roller coasters. Now I wasn't screaming - I was too happy. I only thought about school once the entire day. I was too happy to think about school.
For our last ride of the day, we re-rode the same ride we went on to start off the day. This time we went through the single-rider line, where they basically stick you with a random group of strangers who happened to have a seat or two left in their car - think of it like standby on airplanes. So all three of us ended up in different cars. K was on the first one, I was on the second, and Mar was on the third.
When I got off, I ran down the exit stairs to find K. She was standing at the bottom, just grinning. She handed me three slips of paper. They were three tickets to the front section of the concert that evening.
I managed to stammer out "...how?" She explained that a stranger she was sitting beside in her car had extra tickets he was getting rid of, and just gave them to her. These tickets were way better than even what I had before, and I had had a much better ticket than K and Mar did. Much excitement ensued. I just couldn't believe it.
After dinner we went and found the amphitheater and sat down. When we actually got to our seats, they really were amazing. K said she thought it was proof that God likes giving us the joys of our hearts - just because He loves us. I have to agree. In fact, that's really a part of the theme of that entire day for me.
Decyfer Down opened up the night. I saw them last year on the Comatose 2008 tour, when they were opening for Skillet. This time I actually knew all the songs they played. They've replaced their lead singer in the past year, so the general feel of the band was different, but it was still good. They still seem to be trying to figure out their sound and their presence as a band, but I think they have potential.
The next band that came up was Disciple (though the lead singer had actually already been playing with Decyfer Down). I've been listening to them for roughly a year, and have two of their CDs. They're absolutely amazing. Kevin, the lead singer, is incredibly passionate. They just about set the stage on fire, they were so lively and energetic. It was raining on and off now, but no one cared. We were so into the music. They opened with their popular "Game On," followed by "Whisper So Loud," "3 2 1," and "Romance Me." The most memorable moment came when the guitarist climbed up on a stage block and back-flipped off, with his guitar. The crowd went wild.
One thing that seriously impressed me is that these guys sound just as good live as in the studio. So many bands lose a lot of their power (particularly in the area of vocals) once they actually are out on stage and having to sing multiple songs in a row while walking/jumping/headbanging, but Disciple's performance was nearly flawless. They've been playing shows for most of my life, so they've had plenty of practice.
However, after "Romance Me," ScottyRock (Skillet's tour manager) came out and whispered something to Kevin. I was immediately nervous. The announcer who worked for Sixflags came out and announced that the show was temporarily postponed until the weather cleared up, and we all had to leave the amphitheater right away.
We started pouring out, onto the bridge area outside. It wasn't raining at the moment, but about ten minutes after we started leaving, it started pouring cold rain. K and Mar had jackets, but I didn't. I hunched over the bridge rail, letting the cold rain fall on my back as crowds of people walked by behind me.
I felt the beginnings of bitter disappointment. I was imagining out writing this blog entry with the title "Why I'm a Pessimist," or something along those lines. We didn't know if we'd get to go back in or not. We didn't know anything. We just knew we had to stand out there, without shelter, in the rain.
I started doing what I've found I tend to do whenever I get really, really stressed: I start singing worship songs. I stood there in the rain, in a sea of thousands of strangers, just singing softly to God. And as I did so, suddenly I realized that I was alright. Even if I didn't see my two favorite bands, it would be OK. God would be allowing it. This was all a part of His plan, whether I could see it or not. He does not depend on things like concerts, or churches, or specific people - God can move in anything, even cold, empty hours spent in the rain. That was really the first big milestone of that evening.
After nearly an hour, they told us we could come back. We poured back in (Maranar and I estimated that there were around 4,000 people there). A crew was busy cleaning up the stage and drying things off. Our seats were covered in water, so we didn't sit back down.
And it was right then that I realized how glad I was we'd had the hour out in the rain. Now what was about to happen wasn't something I was entitled to; it wasn't something I had planned and thus received. It was purely and completely a gift from God, and everything that happened would be just a lot of noise and flashing lights otherwise. Sometimes we have to stand through the rain in order to understand what it is to be wrapped in the beauty of God's presence.
Red opened up the night with "Fight Inside." Headbanging with very wet hair may or may not have taken place. It rained a little bit more, but I didn't care. Red is K's favorite band, and my second favorite, so we both definitely had fun. They played a mix of songs from their two albums. They played "Let Go," the song of theirs that has impacted me most - that was the first song that night to make me cry. As I screamed along with it at the top of my lungs, I made a few decisions, which I really can't talk about yet. But it was a very freeing experience, in a lot of ways.
They also played my second favorite from their newest album, "Shadows." That was so much fun. They actually played more from Innocence and Instinct from End of Silence, which was fine with me.
They finished up with "Breathe Into Me." It was raining again, but with no thunder and lightning, so it was fine. At the finale, Mike Barnes ran out over one of the two walkways going out into the audience (the walkway the lead singers all used most often was right near me, as you can tell if you look at pictures), and climbed up one of the lattice work metal pillars. He was 20 or 30 feet up in the air, yelling down to us, in the rain. It was incredible. He climbed down, ran, and threw himself down. He slid most of the way down the walkway on the wet wood. It was incredible. I think they were having way too much fun.
The wait between Red and Skillet wasn't as bad as I might have thought. I watched them setting up Skillet's stuff, and was bouncing with excitement. I was really cold, because I was wet and had no jacket and when I wasn't jumping up and down and headbanging I could feel the wind much better. That was the worst part about waiting.
When all the lights went out, I sat there grinning in anticipation. I know their setlist backwards and forwards. Not only did I see them play on the Comatose 2008 tour, but I have the live DVD (which I was watching about twice a day for a while), and I've watched literally hundreds of YouTube videos, including whatever I could get my hands on from this new tour.
I listened to the count down, and to the electric violin and cello intro. I knew all the cues, so I saw exactly when Jen stepped up to her drumset, when Korey moved over to her keyboard as Ben stepped up with his guitar. Then the opening strains of "Comatose" played as John walked out on stage, and the huge adrenaline rush I've had every single time I've heard that song since first hearing it live a year ago came back.
I started singing along. Then I realized I was crying.
They played "Whispers in the Dark" second (as always). That's probably their most popular song. The audience absolutely exploded when the opening notes drifted into the rainy night. I have never been in an audience that energetic in my entire life. I've described it to a few friends like there was an electrical current running through us, uniting us. We had stood through the rain, through three other bands, and it was worth it to us. That meant something.
John loves playing in Texas - it's his favorite state to play in. So he always makes Texas jokes and comments on how we're one of the hardest rocking states in the U.S. I think I would have to agree with him.
One thing I said about Skillet the first time I saw them, when I didn't know nearly as much about the band as I do now, is that it seems like they're there to hang out with the audience, not to perform. I mean that in the best way possible. So often there's an invisible wall between the performers and the audience - one group is there for the other. One is more important. The other is expected to be respectful and silent. That's not the case with Skillet. John does whatever he can to make the audience take part in the show. He asks us questions, has us sing along, has us repeat things after him, finds ways to relate what he says to that specific audience and situation. The first Skillet show I went to, he led us all in singing happy birthday to someone in the audience. That's just the kind of person he is. He's not there to prove he can do anything better than we can. He's there to encourage us, to have fun with us, and maybe as a side effect rock our faces off.
I don't really know how to say much about what the rest of the experience was for me - in a sense it's almost too much to talk about still. God showed Himself to me in a very real way, and I felt more alive than I have in a very, very long time - in fact, I'm going to have to go with more alive than I ever have, because I felt alive in a new way. Most of you who know me know that my favorite Skillet song is "The Last Night." If I had to choose one song that has changed my life more than any other, it would be that song, no contest. I've heard it live before, but it meant more this year. It was like I saw my whole life laid out before me, a picture of brokenness made beautiful in God's love. I don't know how to say the rest of it, but maybe that gives you an idea.
Another thing here that proves what K had said earlier about God loving to give us the joys of our hearts: a while back I had on my facebook status that it was one of my life's goals to see Skillet with pyro. Guess what? They had pyro. The only show on the tour thus far that had had it, to the best of my knowledge. It was incredible. It was like God said "watch what I can do" and sat back and smiled.
Skillet always plays worship songs. Last year when I saw them, that was the part of the concert that affected me most. This year it was just as incredible. When they played "Angels Fall Down," it was like falling in love with God all over again. It was like seeing a picture of Him, of His beauty and holiness and majesty stretched out before me, painted with the colors of hope, love, and life.
I think it would be really, really hard for someone who doesn't understand my passion for music in general (and particularly Skillet) to understand why this concert meant so much. The best I can do is to say this: how does God speak to you? Through friends, through writing, through books, through walks in the silent morning or starlit night? Does He speak to you through hymns, or through praise choruses? However He chooses to speak to you, picture times when He has used that to show you a vivid, vibrant picture of who He is.
That is what He gave me, because He speaks to me most strongly through music. Not just Skillet - music in general, whether I'm playing it or listening to it, so long as it's focused on Him.
Sometimes I wonder if the band members of Skillet realize that they're changing lives, every single day. Not just mine - the lives of hundreds of others as well. And they're not changing lives because they've set world records in sports, or because they make a fashion statement, or because they've got the coolest cars and hang out with all the right people. They're just people living for Christ in whatever way they can, in a very real way. That has become rare. That has become something I want to strive for, every day of my life, in everything I do. This is one reason why I say John and Korey Cooper are two of the only human heroes I have ever had.
It's been half a week since I stumbled back into our house after the concert, at 2:00 a.m. My voice is still a little hoarse, and my neck still a little stiff, but the bruises on my legs from jumping against the seat in front of me are fading, and I can actually listen to music played that night without crying again. But in a sense I never want to really leave that night - not because it was a rock concert, but because it was a renewal of the life and the love I have found in Christ. If I could, I would live every single day of my life in that feeling of complete peace and joy that I felt when I first believed that Jesus loved me. The concert on Saturday brought me back to that feeling, so simple, yet strong enough to change the world.
I love the way that God works in contrasts, in paradoxes, in things that no one else would dream of using.
This weekend of course I'm referring to the concept of life through death.
One of my favorite scenes in Ted Dekker's Circle Trilogy is a scene in Red - the scene that made me like the entire series. The basic concept was that they dove into deep red water. At first they were in terrible, crushing pain, and they knew they were drowning.
And they drowned. And in doing so, they came alive. The pain was gone, and what remained was a beautiful freedom.
I read that scene and cried, because it wasn't just a story in a book. It was my story, and your story, and above all God's story.
It's so easy for us to wake up every morning oblivious to the beautiful story of love, of hope, of redemption, of beautiful brokenness that we are living in. I remember one day, years ago now, thinking about Boromir in Lord of the Rings (bear with me here, this is relevant). I remember thinking how it must have been for be Merry and Pippin, watching Boromir suffer in agony, pierced by arrows, and to then see him die, just so that they could live. I remember thinking it would be such an incredibly humbling, awe-inspiring thing to live on with the knowledge of that sacrifice.
Then suddenly I realized that I had lived through that.
We are so stirred by stories of someone laying down their life for someone else - so many war movies use that concept. Maybe we are so moved by those stories because a part of us realizes, even subconsciously, that that is the story we are living in.
I've never really been to an "Easter" service, like most churches hold on Easter Sunday. These past few days I've felt a little sad as I hear people talk about what their churches are doing. But I really don't think it matters that much, because in the end, what is all of that but a weak, pastel-colored echo of the deep, intense, beautiful, hopeful story of redemption - my redemption, through Christ?
I put together just a few thoughts on this. This is not the kind of video I typically do, so I'm still learning this style, but hopefully it will encourage you or at least make you stop and think, if only for two minutes and four seconds.
God bless. May His grace and His love be ever present on your mind this weekend.
Community. It's a word I've thought about a lot these past few months, for a variety of reasons. Essentially, what it embodies is the concept of not walking alone – of walking in honesty, and in love. It's something my involvement with To Write Love On Her Arms has solidified in my head. Today especially the idea of community is heavy on my heart.
Three years ago today, at roughly 3:00 in the afternoon, I knelt beside my younger sister, who was sitting at our parents' computer. I explained to her how to spell “Telpënen,” and she had to copy and paste it into the forum registration form because of the special “ë.” She finished, and I sat down and registered. There it was. I was a member of a forum, for the first time.
Something I've only recently really started to admit to is that I did not want to join Clean Place. My mother made me. I had been writing for as long as I could remember – as I like to say, I write for the same reason I breathe: it keeps me alive. But for me the benefits of getting regular feedback on my writing would be outweighed by having to be on the same forum with my younger sister (believe it or not, we were not on speaking terms half the time before we joined Clean Place, which changed everything).
It was Telpe who had suggested we join. Linte had gone on a mission trip over Spring Break, where she ate breakfast with Kalmiel (a childhood friend). Linte came home and ended up on Clean Place. Telpe talked about it a lot, and suggested we both join. I remember reading over threads before joining (back then, you could see almost everything without registering). My primary memory is thinking that Punkin had an adorable baby in her avatar, and whoever that ChildoftheKing person was, I probably wasn't going to talk to her because she had a Narnia avatar.
When I joined Clean Place, I was 14 years old – it was 3 weeks to the day before my 15th birthday. For the past year, I had had no close friends, no one I even knew well enough to enjoy spending time with. I was very bitter, and very angry. I had no interest in getting close to anyone.
But within my first few days on Clean Place, something quickly became apparent: the angsty 14-year-old was absolutely desperate to be loved. I was far too nervous to message with anyone, but a few people messaged me. The first person I ever messaged with was a girl named Bethel. The second was a member named Fidelity, better known as Faith.
Through the forum I was reunited with childhood friends Kalmiel and EveningStar, who I had not seen in 7 years. That led to a meeting to perform a Live Action Role Play for their younger sister. That was May 19th. I got to meet another Clean Placer who lived in our town. Emerwen scared me half to death the first time I met her – she became loud to account for being afraid, and I became very, very quiet. In time that changed, of course.
That first summer was interesting. Because of Clean Place, I now had a small group of friends – we called ourselves the Fellowship. I struggled with interacting with them constantly, which mostly showed on the outside in the form of either anger or silence. I honestly had no idea how to be a friend, but I was trying to learn, and it was a difficult process.
Months and years slid by. I met an out of state Clean Placer, my adopted brother, in February of 2007 (as written about on my blog earlier). Over time I watched the face of the forum change. Members came and left. That first year we went through some devastating losses. We were younger in the beginning, and looking back, that definitely made interactions different – I'll never forget the time I blew up at Midget over the Relient K vs. TobyMac controversy, or all the arguments that occurred due to that first RPG I was part of (and the last RPG I will ever do, as I was so traumatized by that one). Then there were fights that broke out in the Win Game, or the time one member started posting hate mail around the forum about another and I was running around in the areas I moderate trying to delete it... not times I miss, though I can laugh about them now.
I thought it might be fun to just share a few of my memories of the past three years... things that a few people reading this may remember.
...whole afternoons spent in the games section (which was much smaller but more active back then)
...the day Rivus and I posted on every single thread on the last two pages of Next to the Sink
...June of 2006, when I promised myself I'd work as hard as necessary to win the squabbles that month, and I actually managed it
...writing out a sort of “alternate ending” of Lord of the Rings with Sarrasi through PM
...that first SuNoWriMo, and the satisfaction of finishing a novella for the first time
...the feeling of awe when I got into the IS and found out what everyone looked like
...taking Child's music recommendations and subsequently becoming obsessed with Relient K
...filming my movie, posting updates on Clean Place every few days
...long walks in cloaks
...starting a thread on “Trust,” which quickly became a very in depth discussion that I wasn't ready to have
...the day Mattropolis nicknamed me “The Country Elf”
...the day Mar got Soni to add the above nickname to the list of official nicknames
...when a lot of Cpers started listening to Pieces by Red at about the same time in Spring of 2007
...talking to Lissi on the phone for one of the first time and having no idea what to say
...talking to Lissi again a few weeks later and being asked if I was talking to my boyfriend (!?!)
...watching Legossi climb down into Twilight Vale alone, at her insistence, even though she'd broken her leg two weeks earlier
...trying to convince Legossi to slow down (she got ridiculously fast on those crutches...)
...the night Rivus wanted me to start using g-mail, and he tried to e-mail me there but I had forgotten my address and just made a guess so he ended up e-mailing a complete stranger
...seeing the “Whispers in the Dark” lyrics in Emerwen's g-chat status in April of 2007 and asking what song it was, because the lyrics were so beautiful
...Midget's shock when she messaged me Red songs and I actually liked them
...having a really incredibly terrible 16th birthday, which was only kept bearable by all the incredibly sweet birthday notes and graphics from Clean Placers
...winning the poetry poll twice (because Wolfsong wasn't entered either time)
...SuNoWriMo 2007, writing 101,000 words in one month, and watching Rivus post all over the forum about it after I told him my word count
...getting Nia and Twinkie as new mentors and thinking I would never listen to them because they weren't Mangy
...being proved wrong about Nia and Twinkie
...listening to Maranar and Rivus singing “The Hairbrush Song” together and wondering whether to laugh or choke
...copying hundreds of pictures to my computer and making slideshows
...sitting at my computer crying, looking at the moot 2007 pictures
...sitting at my computer crying again, looking at the moot 2008 pictures, but for totally different reasons
...sleepovers with the Texan Clean Placers, listening to music and taking ridiculous pictures until way too late into the night
...word wars, and remaining undefeated on my word count
...countless hours of poetry feedback
...writing a paper on Mangy for my first college class, and having my teacher announce that she sounded like an incredible person
...walking up to Mangy's back door and hearing screaming from inside the moment my cloak was spotted (and wondering if now would be a good time to turn and run in the opposite direction)
...sitting on the road side waiting for the police, listening to Caspian and Nia tell stories about car wrecks
...way too many laptops in Panera
...IMing with Legossi every morning because we were typically the only mooters up and online before 8:30
...finally singing Relient K with Child
...staying up late at Mangy's, talking with Mangy and Silver as we got food ready for the next day
...driving up Pike's Peak with a leaking transmission, listening to Epicon over... and over... and over again
...Caspian combing his hair with a fork
...Wolfsong stealing the marshmallows (which resulted in a chase over the mountain side)
...driving home from Colorado, thinking for hours at a time, and realizing that I wasn't the same person anymore
...finally being persuaded (due to Nia, Twinkie, and Wolfsong) to try freeverse poetry
...the insanity that was Snapshots
...walking home from a tutorial session one night and being glomped by Lissi, who was randomly standing in my front yard
...playing Skillet on the jukebox in the student center, rocking out with Lissi and Telpe
...flying for the first time in 14 years to see the Ferns
...riding in the car with Rivus and runningtiger, laughing too hard to keep an eye on the Ferns' car up ahead
...laughing more in four hours than I had in four months
...playing piano and violin duets with Younger Fern for hours on end
...watching Elder Fern spin and dye (every single time I smell anything even vaguely resembling the smell of yarn dye, I get flashbacks)
...being rescued by the Ferns after one of the most stressful events of my life
...receiving an incredible collection of talent and memories in the form of a moot scrap book
...walking out of class to see Anywhere walking towards me
...playing forks with Legossi, on the floor in cloaks
I could keep going, but that's more than enough.
Essentially, when I think about Clean Place, I think about community. A group of people who are living together – not in the sense that we're in the same physical location, because we rarely are. But because we live together. Late nights talking about life, death, hope, God, love, and pain. Prayer requests, PMs with the simple message hold on, ridiculous and random conversations, conversations that changed my life. That first year in particular, I spent a lot of time messaging with people and crying just because I couldn't believe people were actually willing to talk to me. That feeling has never fully gone away.
Clean Place has, in a sense, been the church body I never had. It's my family, it's my sanctuary, a safe place I go to over and over again. It's where I learn, it's where I play. I have grown so much as a writer, as a Christian, and as a friend through the years I've spent there. The people there are so beautiful, so gifted, so alive, and so very brave. I've walked with some of them through very dark hours. Some of them have carried me through my own dark hours.
When you're a teenager, a lot can happen in three years. God has changed everything I am in that time. I feel so fortunate that He's been able to use Clean Place to accomplish a lot of that.
Well, I had an incredible and unique experience yesterday. I went to the huge Christian Book Expo in Dallas. It was the first event of its kind. It was also the first time I had ever been to anything like that.
My mother, Telpe, Anywhere and I got up early in the morning to drive over there. We listened to the Les Miserables soundtrack on the way. Telpe had taken the book Do Hard Things from our friend Linte's family's house (they were gone on a Spring Break mission trip), and I started to read it because I knew the authors, the Harris twins, would be at the Expo. I was immediately drawn in, and I ended up reading half the book on the drive over. I had to stop every now and then to just look out the window and take in what I was reading. I couldn't believe they were brave enough to say what they were saying. I started to feel incredibly warm and peaceful inside as I read it, because it started to resolve something that had been unresolved in my head for a long, long time now. I think I'll write a review of the book after I actually finish it.
We got to the Dallas Convention Center with surprisingly little hassle. We didn't even get lost. We did have to park a little ways out though, as the place was quite crowded. We walked down a rugged sidewalk and then into the building. It was quite large, so we had to ask directions once or twice to find our way to registration.
As a side note here, I've found something interesting these past few months: ever since my ordeal in the airport in December, I haven't cared about getting lost places or finding my way anymore. I have no problem with asking people for directions or instructions. I don't feel confused. It's funny, the way it worked out.
Anyways, we walked a long way before we reached the registration booths. After my mother checked herself in, we had to go to the family check in table to check Telpe and I in. I'll admit that I found it hilarious, ludicrous, and a bit humiliating to be checked in as a child. Because it was exactly a month before my 18th birthday, I could get in for free, but I had a different wrist band and was officially classified as a child. Anywhere and I were tempted to switch bracelets (she had to register as an adult), but that wasn't possible because mine would have torn. I realized somewhere half-way through the day that that was probably the last time I would ever be classified as a child. Oddly enough, the thought didn't bother me.
We went into the massive exhibition hall. I was very overwhelmed at first, as there were rows and rows of booths and displays. All I wanted to do was to find Legossi, who was there with her father, Mr. Davis (the author of the Dragons in Our Midst series). We must have looked lost, because someone who looked official came and asked us who we were looking for. We told her, and she said they had been over in the kid's area. So we followed her over there. The walk seemed to take ages, but that was just because there was so much to look at on the way. When we got over there, they weren't there, so the official-looking lady asked someone else, who said she had seen them over in the seating area.
So we walked back across the room again, and almost immediately spotted them. At this point Anywhere admitted that she'd noticed them when we came in, but hadn't thought it was Legossi. I felt rather silly for not noticing her.
One way or another, we met up and hugs and greetings went around. It was so good to see Legossi again. She was one of the first Clean Placers I met – she came and stayed with my family for three days back in September of 2007. Her parents are both really neat people too, so it was good to see them again as well.
Telpe, Any, and I were a little lost, so we just followed Legossi. We ended up in the children's section again. There we were greeted by Legossi's sister, “Mr. Bunn.” I had no idea she would be there, so that was a nice surprise (I met her last summer at the moot). She was getting her face painted.
We spent a long time in the kid's section. Legossi got her arm painted, and then was waiting to see if the lady would be willing to paint in her autograph book.
Oh, I have to mention this: Legossi had one of her hippo friends, PJ, with her. PJ had an autograph book, and Legossi was helping her collect autographs. Anywhere, Telpe, and I all signed it and left little notes for PJ. All day Legossi was busy getting more.
Anyways, we listened to a reading of a kids book, met Mr. Davis's publicist, and just looked around. By this point I was feeling really out of it. As most people who know me are well aware of, I am extremely dependent on caffeine, and if I don't get the right amount at the right times my whole system gets thrown off. So Anywhere, Telpe, and I decided to go find the Starbucks we had seen somewhere else in the massive building. We left the exhibition hall to go find it.
As we walked out, we passed two young guys who were walking with and talking to an older guy. One of the guys nodded to me as we passed. As soon as we had passed them, Telpe whispered “that was the Harris brothers.” I just nodded.
It was incredibly weird to just walk past the authors of the book I'd just been reading. I had totally not been prepared for it, so I got really hyper and shaky for a few minutes. After that I calmed down. I sort of have this “meeting famous people mindset” I can get in where it's not weird at all to me anymore to talk to people who would be considered “famous.” But it always takes a few minutes for me to get into that mindset.
Anyway, we found the Starbucks, and all got drinks. I started feeling a little more normal almost immediately. We went back and found Legossi, after which we watched a reading/dramatization of the children's book The Princess and the Kiss. It was kind of cute. There were some guys there helping out with the dramatization who were from a town near ours, and apparently trained in sword fighting. Legossi told Telpe and I that she had seen them carrying swords just like ours (shanais), which made me guess that they might even be part of the Christian sword fighter's group that our teachers had been part of.
Well, we went to talk to one of the ladies who had coordinated it, and I was right. They knew Telpe and I's swordsmanship teachers. That was really exciting to us, to have that connection.
It was around this time that we met up with our mother again, with the general intention of finding something to eat. We three girls were fine with the idea of skipping lunch, but my mother wouldn't allow it.
However, on the way I did manage to get her to lend me some money so I could buy a book I've wanted for a long time – Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller. I haven't read it yet, but I've read about it, and I've heard enough to know I really want to read it and see what he has to say.
Donald Miller was by the book display actually, signing. So I went over to get my book signed, as I figured this was a once in a lifetime chance that I would be crazy not to take. Not many people were at his table at that moment, so I got lucky. We went through the preliminary greetings (authors and musicians must get so tired of that), and he signed my book for me.
Now, this whole time I'd been wearing my cloak. So he commented on it, and asked why I wore it. So I explained that I'd been really into Lord of the Rings for years now, which had started it, and that I'd been wearing cloaks since I was quite young. So then he asked if I knew whether Peter Jackson was directing The Hobbit movie or not.
Before I knew what was happening, I was standing there discussing the details of The Hobbit production plans, how close to the books the script is likely to be, and how it will pan out with making two movies instead of one. Somewhere in middle of this the thought crossed my mind: Wait. I'm sitting here talking to Donald Miller about Lord of the Rings. How surreal is that? But I didn't really care, because it was a fun conversation.
I think a lot of people would say I wasted my time talking to him. I know I didn't. These past few weeks have totally changed my concept of meeting “famous” people. First I met VOTA, DecembeRadio, Bread of Stone, and the Newsboys, and then I met Donald Miller and later the Harris twins. One thing I've had confirmed for me, more than ever before, is that they're just people. They're cool people, people who God has chosen to use in a special way, but they're no more “special” than I am. They're fallen humans, redeemed by the grace of Christ. They laugh, they cry, they smile, they hurt, they tell jokes, and they make mistakes just like any other person would. Because of that, I've had this realization that I'm not going to have really intense, powerful conversations when I meet people like this. After all, I'm a poet, but no one expects me to spout off beautiful poetry in casual conversation (or at least I certainly hope not!). In the same way, it's almost more meaningful to me to talk to people (like Don Miller) about real, normal things. It proves they're real. It proves they're human too. It proves that no one is any more “worthy” of fame than anyone else. In the end, it's just a matter of who God chooses to use in certain ways, or (in the case of secular celebrities) who He allows to succeed for reasons we as humans couldn't possibly know.
So anyway, all that said, I had a good chat with him. I got to talk to him for a while, after which I went back to rejoin my group.
Telpe, Any, my mother, and I got lunch at a little snack bar, the only place selling food. The food was ridiculously overpriced. Once we started actually eating our sandwiches (we three girls were sharing two sandwiches between us), they just upset Anywhere and I's stomachs, so we gave up.
We went back and found Legossi again, as well as her friend. The five of us went and played the famous clapping game that Telpe and I taught everyone at the moot. We also played “forks” (there was an absence of spoons). After that Telpe, Anywhere, and I headed down the escalator to attend the Harris brothers' seminar.
We got there early, and I drank some water to try to feel a little better. We went in early, and Brett and Alex came over and introduced themselves to us, got all our names and where we were from. They were such friendly guys. I found myself wishing they went to my University.
They gave a great talk about the concept of Do Hard Things, as well as having a question and answer session. I enjoyed it very much, though I was feeling somewhat spaced out. Afterwards there was a signing. I went and mixed some of my caffeinated energy drink, which didn't really help much, but it at least mostly stopped me from shaking. Telpe had Linte's family's book with her to be signed for them (of course they had no idea she even had borrowed it), so she went first. Brett took it, and Telpe asked him to address it “To the _____” family. However, he accidentally just said “to _____” at first, so then he was trying to right over the “to” and make it “the,” which totally wasn't working. Alex was teasing him, but he also whispered that he should just get a new one. So Brett took Linte's family's book and slid it under the table, and then grabbed a new one and signed that. I couldn't help but laugh.
After that I gave them Telpe and I's book to sign, which they did. Then Anywhere got a picture of Telpe and I with them. I felt ridiculously tall, which makes me feel extremely awkward, but that's normal for me.
Afterwards we went back to find Legossi again. The afternoon is kind of a blur to me, because I started feeling really dreadful... I think it was a combination of not enough food, not enough water, not enough caffeine, lots of walking, lots of adrenaline, and the fact that I've slept really badly almost every night for the past two weeks. We did a lot more walking around and looking at things.
The Davis family left, and we had to say goodbye to Legossi. It felt like we hadn't been with her anywhere near enough time. About an hour later my mother got out of her last seminar, so we headed out to drive home (and get dinner on the way).
Overall, it was a very unique experience. It was fun to hang out with friends, it was fun to meet authors, it was fun to get new books and new experiences. For me, I've found it's a lot easier to enjoy myself if I got out of town. If I'm here anywhere in my home town, I can't stop thinking about everything I'm not doing – the homework at home, the dirty laundry, the unanswered e-mails. But when I go out of town my brain just accepts that I can't do anything about it. People ask me often if I enjoy something that I've just done. I never really know anymore – it's not a matter of whether or not I enjoy something, it's a matter of what I have to do and what I can't allow myself to do. But I think I enjoyed yesterday, for the most part. I'm not 100% certain I did, but I'm pretty sure.
I don’t really have the mental or emotional energy to write a full blog post, so you’re getting a somewhat choppy one. I just feel like I should be doing something to update it.
I am on Spring “Break.”More like “Spring Extra Work” for me, but I’ve had a few extra hours of time, which I guess is better than nothing. Here’s what I’ve done since Spring Break started early on Friday afternoon:
-Ruined a pair of shoes puddle jumping
-Was practically begged by a blacksmith/martial arts teacher to take his classes
-Was followed home by a new sword (no, I had nothing to do with its sudden appearance…)
-Was called “Blondie” by a random old guy and told that I’m too tall so I need to be chopped off at the knees (can you say c-r-e-e-p-y?)
-Went to Starbucks, got an espresso and wasn’t even vaguely effected
-Printed 53 random pictures
-Watched Anywhere draw all over Telpe’s socks
-Spent two mornings doing inventory at the Library
-Streaked my hair blue with Sharpies
-Discovered that it’s very possible to sneak around the lobby, balconies, and dressing rooms of my University’s performing arts center without anyone finding you
-Discovered that keyboards are much more complicated than pianos and sound a lot worse
-Made my sister wade into a dirty pond (in the name of art)
-Headbanged in an elevator
-Swung on a swing for the first time in years
-Played piano by candle light
-Headbanged by fire light
-Burned a short novel’s worth of Biology notes while laughing gleefully and singing Skillet
-Listened through Relient K’s first two albums
-Spent an hour and a half sorting through records of government documents and attempting to match up bar codes
-Wrote a poem primarily consisting of Relient K’s song titles
-Discovered it’s a bad idea to try to dance to Switchfoot while holding a plate piled with hash browns and ketchup
-Did not do enough homework
There you have it, in a few words.I’ve finished up the absolutely necessary homework for two classes, and need to start in on my Biology paper and my Exegesis paper as well as starting research for a group presentation in Communications and beginning work on my History paper. “Break” is a relative term.
So, last night I went to a long awaited concert. Newsboys is on tour, and they came to my school (with the opening bands Bread of Stone, VOTA, and DecembeRadio). I had been looking forward to this for some time. Newsboys has always been a little special to me. The very first contemporary Christian song I ever heard was Shine, when I was at a skating party at 8 or 9 years old. We've never listened to that sort of thing at home – growing up the only “bands” I ever heard were Beatles, Beach Boys, and ABBA. I didn't know anything about the music world, or even what instruments they used, or that normal people listened to that kind of thing all the time. All I knew was that I loved the song, and every time I went to a skating party with our homeschool group I awaited it eagerly. It always made me smile.
That was about ten years ago now. So perhaps it's understandable that I'd be a little sentimental about finally getting to see them live, after so many years.
We got there early. I had a seat in the sixth row back from the stage. Everyone else I knew well was up in the second orchestra, so I was alone, but that's OK. I like going to concerts alone – in fact, I don't like going with people. Music is too special, in some ways. Concerts belong to God, and to honesty, and to abandonment of masks and pretenses.
We had some announcements from both my school and the local radio station who was sponsoring the concert, and then Bread of Stone came out. I had never heard them before, but I very much enjoyed them. Videos may be inserted later, if I manage to get YouTube to cooperate (it's just become slower and slower every month since I first started using it, I swear).
They didn't do that many songs, but I really enjoyed them. They reminded me almost more of Korean pop-rock rather than American.
After that, VOTA came out. I had only heard of them because my friend Joy had mentioned them on her blog – I had never heard any of their music. I had no idea what to expect from them.
I was absolutely blown away. They were by far my favorite of the opening band. With a unique style, great lyrics, and an explosive stage presence, I could easily see them gaining a lot more recognition in years to come. Indeed, I hope they do. The lead singer actually came down into the audience and was holding the microphone up to different audience members (he was all of 4 or 5 feet away from me).
They slowed it down a few songs in, and I started filming, because I loved what he was saying. Then they started playing a song, as I continued to film. It was the song Honestly (which I also intend to upload at some point). That was the song that hit me hardest by far out of everything that was played all night.
After that they sped it up again. The lead singer turned over his guitar to reveal big letters saying “VOTA LOVES TX!” on the back. I wish I'd caught it on camera. It made me laugh.
I was very sad when VOTA went off stage, but before doing so, they offered a free digital album to everyone in the room, which made me glad (because honestly, I'm too poor to afford a CD right now, but I really wanted to be able to get some of their music).
DecembeRadio came on next. They'd played for worship in Chapel that morning, so I knew what to expect. They were also a lot of fun. I love it when bands look like they're totally enjoying their time on stage – all the bands were like that last night.
After DecembeRadio, Duncan (Newsboys' drummer) came out and introduced the president of Join the Tribe, the mission this tour is supporting. He spoke for a while, which was really good, and thought provoking. I don't have any pictures of that. Afterwards we had an intermission. I went out to wander around and get some water, and Linte came and found me. We walked and talked, and got back into the auditorium right about on time.
Newsboys opened up with Wherever We Go. I can't remember the exact order of all their songs – it went by way too fast, and I was having too much fun to bother with remembering exact orders. I filmed and took some pictures.
One of the most memorable moments for me was they they started up playing Shine. I have a video of it, but it's not upload-worthy, considering I was jumping up and down and screaming and singing along so loud you can hear it in the video, and you really don't need to see/hear that. Suffice it to say that I enjoyed it very much.
Then they played The Breakfast Song, which was also pretty much awesome (once again, a video belongs here...). Of course towards the end they had to do the classic spinning drum set which they're famous for. That, of course, was cool.
And they finished off with I Am Free and another worship song. Afterwards, I went out, saying hi to friends I met along the way. I worked my way through the packed lobby with Linte, who then went to find Telpe. I really wanted to talk to VOTA. I found the lead singer, and hung back for a moment, terrified. I'd never talked to a band member before. He finally noticed me and said hello with the friendliest smile imagineable, so I shook his hand and talked to him for a moment, just to tell him that I really enjoyed their music and it was an encouragement and a blessing to me. He was really, really nice. I was too nervous to ask for an autograph or a picture, but I was glad to get to talk to him. Fortunately, he was so nice that I felt much more confident talking to other bands later.
Then I went back to find Linte and Telpe. I found Telpe with my friends Basil, Ian, and Caleb. Linte was apparently now looking for me. Eventually we all got back together. It turned out that Mercy had been given a sticker that would get her into a personal autograph line with the Newsboys – most people were only getting them if they signed up to “Join the Tribe,” but a lady had an extra, so she gave it to Mercy. So I borrowed Caleb's cellphone and called home to let my family know we'd be late.
Since we were waiting around, I decided to be brave again. I went to wait to talk to DecembeRadio. I took a picture for some other girls, then Telpe took a picture of me with the band. The first one was blurry, so she had to do another. As we waited, the drummer cracked a joke, so we all ended up making faces!
Then Telpe got their autographs, and I took a picture of her with them.
They were great guys – they were really funny (obviously, considering the above picture incident).
I went over then to talk to Bread of Stone. They were really nice guys, and I got them all to sign as well as talking to them for a minute or two. They're sort of small and unknown still, and I hope they do well.
Then, as Caleb, Basil, Telpe, Linte and I waited around, the same lady who had given Telpe her sticker came and said she had more extra, and she didn't want them to go to waste. So she gave one to the rest of us, and directed us to the signing line.
We were all freaking out. We went to stand in line, just about bouncing off the walls of the hallway we were so excited. I was afraid I'd be too impatient to stand in line, but I was having fun just talking, so it wasn't too bad. My line friends:
Then we actually got to the band. We all got autographs, and we got to chat briefly. Linte asked Peter, the lead singer, if he's ever actually barbecued and eaten hamster (a reference to the song Shine). I have no idea what inspired her to ask that, but it made me laugh.
Then Caleb asked for a picture, so we all got a picture with the lead singer:
We went out the door, and after a few minutes just broke down in random exclamations. None of us could really believe that had just happened. We were beyond hyper.
The boys walked Linte, Telpe and I home, and we all said goodnight and went inside. Any was there, as was Mar (who came home long before we did – he was also at the concert). Telpe and I were talking non-stop about everything that had happened, and Any was just listening and watching and laughing and laughing. It was late, but we couldn't calm down.
It was a special night. Not just because I got to meet some cool people. Not just because I got to hear some good music. But because sometimes it's good to step back, re-evaluate why I enjoy what I enjoy, and why I so rarely allow myself to enjoy it. I don't know if that makes any sense, but I'm still kind of in a daze. And I was given a few things to think about. Hopefully I'll have the time to actually do so.
God bless,
- Elraen -
[PS - in case you're not sick of pictures yet, there are a bunch more on facebook: here's the public link.]
I am a rescued failure, striving to learn to live a song of redemption.
I love music because I have seen how it can breathe, the way it makes people come alive. I take pictures and go to shows and write for a major Christian music website. This blog is born from a belief in the importance of honesty.
